fandomhigh | School Assembly, Wednesday, October 7, 2020

What fresh hell awaits you today?

You probably won't end up dangling over a volcano this time?

Alexis took a seat, having no idea what the topic was or what was in store!

Astrid's attendance at the assembly that day was automatic. Her sketchbook was in her lap, as always, of course, but her head wasn't there at all. Her surprise encounter with her mother's new, fresh-faced ingenues had refused to leave her brain, refused to let her sleep last night, so she was exhausted, distracted, and disconnected entirely from everything going on right now.

That was going to change drastically once she found out what the assembly this week was actually about, but, until then, she was there...without really being there.

Edited 2020-10-07 08:42 (UTC)

Eleanor was there. And not at all suffering from the tequila she had imbibed last night.

Okay, she was totally suffering from the tequila she had imbibed last night.

Miles showed up more out of a morbid curiosity than a desire to be there. Hopefully this would be somewhat entertaining.

Look, it wasn't like Illyana had anything better to do with her Wednesday, so she was here to see what the train-wreck was this week.

Take it away, Sea Hawk!

"Adventure!"

That would be today's guest introducing himself by swinging down dramatically from the lighting rig. Just be glad he hadn't set anything on fire on the way down.

"I am Sea Hawk," he proclaimed, striking a completely unnecessary pose, he'd grown into his moustache, but certain of the audience might find him familiar. "And I am here to teach you about living a life of Adventure! And Song!"

"Now some-" Probably most. "-of you may ask yourself what one has to do with with the other, but I'm sure by the end of presentation you will understand just how important an understanding of song is to being a successful adventure."

Music started to come from somewhere that definitely wasn't the auditorium sound system. "And I'll do so with a tale from when I was about your age." Those of you who found him familiar might started having a bad feeling about this. "The time I came to an unfamiliar land in search of adventure and found myself kidnapped!"

The music rose to a dramatic sting and...nothing happened.

"I said, I found myself kidnapped!"

Again the musical sting stung, and in the silence that followed Adora called out "Sorry!" from offstage, before coming on bearing a giant wooden standee of a figure that, again, some of the audience might find familiar. "Growl. I am Krampus, come to take you away to my lair. Growl."

Did Adora sound like she was reading her lines of the back of the Krampus standee in a voice an octave lower than usual? Yes, yes she did.

"Naturally, I never let myself be kidnapped without a fight!"

"That's not what Bow and Swift Wind said."

"No improvising! Now where was I?"

What followed was some incredibly ridiculous stage fighting that consisted of Sea Hawk bounding around the stage while Adora followed him around waving the standee at him to an extremely dramatic soundtrack. "But alas, Krampus was too Krampsy, and I found myself trapped with the rest of Krampus's victims!" Then he coughed to remind someone of her cue.

Adora put down the Krampus standee and ran around the stage picking up cut outs with people painted them (one of whom looked an awful lot like Anakin) and more lines written on the back. "Oh, no, what do we do? Help us Sea Hawk. Surely you have an idea?"

Sea Hawk gave Adora enough time to run back and pick up Krampus again before continuing. "And I did have a plan," he told the audience. "It was to SEDUCE KRAMPUS!"

Now was the time to cheer, or cringe if you knew what was coming up, as a sultry hornpipe solo kicked in.

Krampy, baby...

After the full twelve verses of Krampy, Baby finished and the sexy hornpipes died away, you could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed until Adora remembered she had a line

"Oh, Sea Hawk, your expert seduction has taught me the error of my ways," she read off the taped up script. "I shall now free everyone, and maybe you would like to go for a drink later?"

Sea Hawk put his hand over his chest. "I appreciate the offer my fine Krampus friend, but my heart already belongs to Princess Mermista."

"I completely understand, she is pretty great. I guess I will go not kidnap people somewhere else," Adora said, before carrying Krampus back offstage.

"And that, my friends, is how I saved everyone by seducing Krampus with song. Now who'd like to try seducing Krampus themselves?"

"I didn't agree to that!"

Adora had dragged the Krampus standee bback onto stage for anyone who felt like trying to seduce Krampus themselves.

Sea Hawk stood by to rate their performances.

"I'll try it!" Wei Wuxian jumped up. He stretched before he began, arms overhead, then hands on hips, bending side-to-side. Then he pulled his flute from his belt like drawing a dagger from a sheath, spun it in his fingers and brought it to his lips. Resentful energy still lingered inside it, but Wei Wuxian did not draw on it. This was a seduction, not an enchantment.

Except... he'd never really seduced anyone. Especially not a... Krampus. Should he play something sexy? Something romantic? His fingers and lips moved almost without thought, and Wei Wuxian played the song with no name. It was sweet and longing, and the sounds of guqin strings drifted in to fill the air around him. (Also not from the sound system. What was with this auditorium?)

When he finished, Wei Wuxian bowed to the Krampus, the flute still in his outstretched hands.

Krampus was unmoved, an entirely foreseeable effect of Sea Hawk roping an awkward lesbian into playing him.

"Well, it's a start," Sea Hawk said encouragingly. "Have you considered something a bit more upbeat? Like a sea shanty? Or a rock remix."

"S'up, Krampus?" That's right. It was usually a move reserved for hot ladies, but, in the spirit of the assembly, Troy figured he should probably show off his own super-effective seductive style, lifting his chin at the standee and giving just the faintest hint of the start of a grin. "How you livin'?"

And that was it. Anything more seemed like a lot of work, and, quite frankly, that was all it usually took...

Adora stuck her head around the side of Krampus. "He's not living at all."

There were in fact worse choices Sea Hawk could've made for his assistant, but Scorpia wasn't on the island.

Not exactly the response Troy was used to getting for that, no, but, then again, he usually wasn't using it on a cut-out of some goat demon, either.

"Yeaaaaaah," he said firmly, while failing completely at NOT looking toward Wei Wuxian just then, "that's valid."

"Sometimes you need to start a fight to get their attention."

Sea Hawk, no!

"Like....with them?" asked Troy, with an uncertain point at the Krampus cut-out. "Or....?"

He looked around for someone that looked ripe for a fight, or a volunteer or something. And, figuring his uncertainty didn't make him look that great in front of everyone, he felt compelled to add, "I usually only do this sort of thing with girls and not....goat people? Sooooo....?"

"Fighting's good," Wei Wuxian nodded. "Swords crossed under moonlight? Extremely hot." He looked up at the lack of moonlight around them. "Or you can defend them from an attack. Want me to play monster so you can defeat me?" He glanced over at Sea Hawk. "Maybe while singing a jaunty tune."

Troy considered this new information.

"Aww, man," he said, totally convincing about it, too, "and here I left my sword at home?

"But I do got these," he said, lifting his fists, lifting his chin, then opening his arms as if to accept Wei Wuxian's challenge, then delivered the very important "S'up?"

You know, like a question kind of S'up, but not a real question, a rhetorical one. Troy had the answer; Wei Wuxian did not.

And then he hit him with the Forest Whitaker eye.

Because that was how you started a fight.

Wei Wuxian gave T-Bone his best patronizing smile. "Do you really think you can stop me if I choose to take him from you?" He tucked his flute in his belt (since it wasn't a real fight) and tried to think of something offensive. (If T-Bone as going to be a hero, Wei Wuxian had to play the villain.) Using an inappropriately intimate name was always good. He didn't know if Krampus had a birth name, but there was always the diminutive.

"PusPus!" he called to the Krampus. "I will prove my worth in battle against this inferior opponent and then I will take you home and make you my third wife!" He swallowed a laugh and swung a fist at T-Bone's eye.

"Third wife?"

That was enough to throw Troy off enough that Wei Wuxian's first swing almost could have even hit, but he managed to dodge out of the way just in time. And that definitely got him pumped for the fight...and the rush helped him get more into character, too.

"Don't you worry, Krampus, baby," he called back out, grin spreading on his face, "you'll be nothing but first place number one for T-Bone!"

Which then lead into a sort of upper cut toward Wei Wuxian's chin, because Troy could actually not bring himself to punch a face that pretty, he would feel so bad.

The fist didn't connect, but Wei Wuxian flung himself back as though he'd been struck a major blow. He staggered. "No, PusPus! This man is as strong as he is handsome! I cannot defeat him!" And Wei Wuxian flopped on the ground, limbs splayed out, eyes closed, and his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth.

Call it a hunch, but Troy had a sneaking suspicious that Wei Wuxian might have thrown the fight a little.

"Yeah," he said, throwing a chin up at Wei Wuxian's fallen even now more extra dead 'corpse.' "That's right."

He turned back toward the cut-out. 'Hey, Krampy," he said, opening his arms, giving it a winning grin, "how you like me now?"

Wei Wuxian opened one eye. "Sing something!" he whispered, then closed his eye again and let his head loll to the side.

"Oh, that's right!"

Troy had forgotten about the singing! This definitely seemed like a good moment for signing something, but that meant he'd actually have to think of something to sing. Something...victorious. Something...bold...something nice and flirty...

Starting with a nice, slow, smouldering sort of spoken intro...

"Krampus," he started, "you know we belong together. I don't have no time for you to be playing with my heart like this. You'll be mine forever, baby. You just wait."

And now it was time to really get into it, because what kind of goat demon wooden cut-out could help melting at a little classic Boys II Men:

"We belong together
And you know that I am right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?
Said we'd be forever
Said it'd never die
How could you love me and leave me and never
Say goodbye?
When I can't sleep at night
Without holding you tight
Girl, each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head
Oh, I'd rather be dead
Spinning around and around
Although we've come
To the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you
Although we've come
To the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you

Krampus, I know you really love me
You just don't realize
You've never been there before
It's only
Your first time!"

And that should probably do it. It was...a long song, they should all get the point by then.

And he may have been banking on the fact that Krampus wasn't the only one in the auditorium to notice, either.

Edited 2020-10-08 00:47 (UTC)

"Magnificent." Sea Hawk wiped a tear from his eye.

There was a small scuffle in the auditorium followed by a female's voice shouting "GET UP THERE HAIR PULLER!" and then Miles now standing there looking at a very creepy wooden Krampus.

Seriously?

He turned and looked at the thing and sighed. Fine.

He reached out to put his hand on the wooden figure's shoulder and gave the thing his best smoldering look.

And then with his voice going a little deeper than normal and with a breathy weight to it he said one simple word. "Hey."

Look, he had to go with the tools he knew.

Edited 2020-10-07 13:54 (UTC)

Krampadora was not in the least bit seduced, but she wanted to encourage her roomie, so she gave him a thumbs up around Krampus. "You're doing great."

Come on, Adora! That move was science.

Clearly Uncle Aaron had steered him wrong. "Uh. Love the horns," Miles continued. "And the outfit."

Yep. Totally going well.

"Come here often?"

Nope.

There was also the little part where even if it hadn't been weird to have your roomie fake hitting on you, Adora only liked girls.

"Um, let's be friends?"

"Okay. Uh. Cool," Miles said, totally floundering on this. "So as friends can you not kill us all? That would be cool."

What the Hells, why not?

"Hey, Ador-- Krampus. Want to get out of here and go get ice cream?"

"That sounds great actually."

Again, Sea Hawk, you could totally have predicted this.

Well, if Alexis could seduce a life size wooden puppet (it was entirely possible that Tahani had tuned out during the story and only come back to attention on verse eight of Krampy, Baby), so could she.

She sashayed in closer, hips swaying and hair extremely shiny and gave him a flirty smile.

"How about we disappear to a day spa and get you a mani-pedi and a massage?"

Because goodness, did he need those things.

"...get a what?"

Don't worry Tahani, Sea Hawk was also gasping in shock, even though he shouldn't be since he knew Adora.

Tahani gasped. "You've never had a mani-pedi?!"

"Noooo?"

"We are going," Tahani said. "Are you free Friday?"

Adora glared at Sea Hawk, this was his fault.

"I guess?"

Tahani clapped her hands together. "You'll love it!"

Probably not, no.

In case anyone had any lingering questions or issues with the historical accuracy of Sea Hawk's presentation.

Oh, there was zero time being wasted in Alexis actually standing up.

"EXCUSE ME? Who was the actual original Krampus seducer?"

Hint, everyone, it was her!

And for some godforsaken reason she wanted credit.

Usually when Sea Hawk told this story he was the only one present who been around for it.

"I may have condensed a group effort down for dramatic effect, but my seduction was clearly superior."

Sea Hawk, honey, you both ended up over the volcano.

"Umm, first off, it was my idea and I was willing to take a really gross one for the team-" Ew, Alexis. "-to give everyone else a chance to escape and also he didn't even go for you so like..."

So like.

Hopefully Anakin had managed to get hold of that drink by now, he was going to need it.

"That's not how I remember events." Sea Hawk was not the most reliable of narrators.

With a frustrated "Ugh!" Alexis turned to the student body for help.

Sure, she couldn't name a single person who'd been in there with her, and if she'd talked to you since then she didn't know you'd been there, but there had to be someone here to back her up!

For a dude who was more than six feet tall, Anakin could do a very good impression of someone who wanted to be invisible right now.

Mwahahaha.

School Assembly, Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Arrive and Mingle

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Listen to our speaker!

How Sea Hawk Saved Fandom

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Questions?

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OOC