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Cryptids and You! - Tuesday

"Welcome to class or welcome back. Or maybe you're not even here and I'm just shouting into the abyss. It's a fickle medium that leaves us guessing," Deadpool said. "It's not quite the same without my amazing teaching assistant, but she's chasing her dream of owning her own cartel. I'm so proud of her."

He honestly was!

"Okay, so this class is on cryptids. Which are creatures we can't prove are real, like the Jersey Devil, El Chupacabra, or Ted Cruz."

That last one was false, there was proof the Zodiac Killer existed.

"But I guess there's this thing where I'm supposed to hear your names or something. Not important. Just tell me the cryptid you want to learn about the most. Capiche?" A beat. "God, I hope that's spelled right."

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Mysteriously

Yang Xiao Long

Ahsoka Tano

Dante

Kaylin Neya

Khadgar

Just kidding. He didn't care. Just share your favorite cryptid.

"Yeah, uh, I don't know what any of those are, so let's go with a chupa-whatzit," Yang said bluntly. Because yeah, that was a mouthful and she hadn't been taking notes or anything. "Is it like a chalupa?"

Because of course Remnant had chalupas, even if they didn't have a Mexico.

"Only on your gastrointestinal tract, am I right?" he asked, holding up his hand for a high five.

"Aw yeah." Of course Yang was going to follow through on that high five. She didn't need to understand what the heck was going on to answer the call of the high five. "So, a chupa-whatzit seems like a good idea at the time, and then you regret every decision that led you to this point?"

"Especially if you're a goat," Deadpool replied. "See, it means goat-sucker. And not in the Tijuana way, if you know what I mean."

God, please don't encourage this.

"Ew, gross-- wait. Is it punchable?"

There was no god, and all was encouraged.

"If we catch one, it is."

AND NOW THEY HAD A FINAL EXAM.

Yang pumped her fist in victory. "I call dibs on punching the chalupacabra."

...that was...closer. To its actual name. Good job, Yang.

Maybe they'd been mispronouncing the name all this time and that's why it was so elusive?

"I'll allow this."

"Yeah, count me in as a fan of the goat sucker," Dante said easily.

Hey, this is why he liked Deadpool's classes.

Edited 2017-08-29 19:57 (UTC)

"If you can't say the name, I don't think you're mature enough to pick it," Deadpool informed him kindly.

Dante rolled his eyes. "Chupacabra," he said, "Is way less fun to say than 'goat sucker'."

"But it also literally means the same thing."

Those poor goats...

"So it shouldn't really matter which one I pick," Dante said merrily.

"Sure, Jan," Deadpool replied. "But very nice to see you're still here. Or something. That's probably something I'm supposed to say to students that I vaguely remember."

"I'm not dead yet, so you didn't fail me horribly as a teacher," Dante said.

Nodding seriously. Like an asshole.

"Is that in the teacher contract? I really hope it's not. I knew I should have gotten Weaz to read it for me."

Because the idea that maybe he should care beyond contractual obligations... ehhh.

"Creatures you can't prove are real?" Kaylin, who'd had no idea what a cryptid was, asked. "Like the gods, you mean?"

"Sure! Let's say they're cryptids too." He had no problem with that. In fact, it might become a lesson about how Jesus was a vampire witch.

"Okay," Kaylin said, "Then... them"

"I can dig that," Deadpool replied. "No gods. Atheism for life and all that edgy shit."

"Then again," Kayla said. "I find it a good idea to hedge my bets, you know? In case they actually exist and hold grudges?"

"Yeah, but if they do exist, they're probably dicks based on how things have been going so far." His was a serious theological argument.

"Yes, but extremely powerful dicks if the stories are true," Kaylin pointed out.

"What's a Ted Cruz?"

"It's sort of small. Looks like it's head is attached directly to it's shoulders and arms never touch it's sides," Deadpool said, giving serious thought to this cryptid. "Soulless looking motherfucker."

"Sounds creepy."

"Bingo bango," he said, snapping and pointing at her.

"I'm Khadgar," he said, unable to hide the resignation in his voice. "I'm also going to go with the Chupacabra."

He had no idea what any of these things were, but he figured he should at least play along if he was going to be stuck here.

"Kathy!" He was just being cruel now. "El Chupacabra sure us popular with you young folks. Is this a meme? Is it?"

Who was there and not trying to shove crystals at anyone.

Yet.

I don't have enough coffee to deal with my co-workers.

Having a canon wherein Jesus is actually a vampire wizard, I am now cackling crazily.

It's that or Actual Cryptid Ted Cruz.

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Cryptids and You! - Tuesday

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