fandomhigh | Home Ec, Tuesday, Period 1

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Home Ec, Tuesday, Period 1

Someone had decorated the classroom. Possibly several someones.

Who were color blind.

"Yeah, I don't know," Eliot told the students when they arrived. "Just . . . try to make the best of it." He was sort of desperately wishing he had a belt sander handy to strip the orange off things, at least, but they had other things to do right now. And he wasn't teaching Shop this semester.

"Right. So today we're going to touch on the 'economics' side of class. I got the syllabus for this sucker straight from the school board and they, uh. Well. Let's just say I'm pretty sure this thing hasn't been updated since the '80s." He pulled a very distinctively shaped box out of the teacher's desk, popped it open, and started passing around checkbooks. "I'm guessin' most -- if not all -- of you guys have never actually seen one of these before. These are called checks. They were used as sort of formalized financial markers throughout the US and a lot of the rest of the Earth in the 20th century. They've been made almost completely obsolete thanks to smartphones, credit cards, and the internet, but -- sure. Let's all learn how to write checks."

He was rolling his eyes so hard, you guys. This was absurd.

Once everyone had their checkbooks, he went to the whiteboard and drew a rough diagram of the check on the board, numbering each blank and explaining what went in each one. "These suckers are really easy to counterfeit or use in fraud, by the way," he warned them. "If you put 'cash' in the 'who is this for' spot, anyone can use it to get paper money or coins out of your bank account. If you write a check and your account doesn't have enough funds in it to cover the expense, it'll 'bounce', meanin' the person you're payin' doesn't get their money and gets pissed, and the bank gets pissed, and when people get pissed about money it usually means at the very least they're gonna charge you a lot more for it."

At the most? Well. Eliot had maybe been sent out to 'retrieve' in retaliation for a bounced check or two in his time. It wasn't pretty.

"So the basic idea for this class is: You each get the same amount of imaginary money in your imaginary bank account, about 10 thousand -- they ain't dollars, but whatever -- which you'll spend using your super unofficial checks. Then when we're doin' lessons throughout the rest of the semester, you're gonna 'pay' for your supplies using that imaginary money. I dunno, if you want to use, like, organic flour when we're makin' bread, that'll cost more -- whatever the hell you wanna call 'em, points, simoleons, Fandom-bucks, whatever -- than just the regular old all-purpose flour. Maybe you really wanna use the fancy flour, but then next week we're gonna do sewing and you want to get the fancy fabric, too. You're gonna have to keep an eye on your own 'account' and decide what you'd rather spend more money on. Ya follow?"

This was far too complicated for a Fandom class. Seriously.

"If you run out of money b'fore the end of the semester I'm probably supposed to start teachin' you about credit or something and you can learn an important lesson about how to apply for a loan and slowly ruin your life, but -- fuck it. Just -- I ain't gonna track whether or not your checks are bouncin' or not." He was not going to track whether or not they actually used their checks or not, let's be real. "Bullshit a breakdown of what you spent where at the end of the semester and if it even kinda makes sense I'll give you a pass on the economics side of things."

This is what happened when budgeting was being taught by a professional thief.

"For today, practice writin' and endorsin' checks. Go nuts and pay your friends a billion fan-bucks each. Write somethin' dirty on the 'For' line. Practice signing your roommate's name. Y'all're probably either gonna pay for things with PayPal or gold bullion around here, anyway. If your world uses somethin' real interesting for currency, like -- actual shells or something, or -- hey -- if you use an actual barter system, come on over and tell me about it. Money in my world's basically a giant con, so it'll be nice to hear about something that might actually work."

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That all sounded very familiar, yes. Considering that the only books Hanna was raised on were an old encyclopedia and a book of older German fairy tales, it was kind of amazing that she did know that one, but two years of Fandom had made her relatively familiar with the Big Stories of this part of the world.

"A magic story," Hanna mused, not quite sure what to make of this. "So he was an angel. Or a man whom everyone called an angel."

"Something between," Hyacinthe said. "Divinely-blooded, yet not heavenly. In fact..." He gave Hanna another wink. "He was quite earthy indeed, enjoying in the delights of the flesh, be they food or wine or song. He took joy in the company of men and women, in the giving and receiving of pleasure, and tasting of all the experiences he could."

"Now," he chided, wagging a finger, "I'll not have you believing that Elua's life was easy. He was despised by Tiberium as the scion of their sworn enemy, yet the Yeshuites also turned their faces from him, calling him an abomination. He traveled Europa and beyond, crossing hot deserts and frigid wastes, and yet still he sang as he traveled, as there was joy in his heart. One day, however, he came upon the land of Persis and did dwell there awhile. And the King of Persis, hearing about this man whose beauty rivaled the stars and whom the people were coming to love, grew afraid and sent his soldiers to have him clapped in irons and tossed into prison to rot."

Hanna snickered, but gestured at Hyacinthe to go on. Then frowned. "I would have thought he would want hi on his side. And was your Elua not strong enough to break free, if he was not strictly mortal? Or turn them into donkeys, or similar?"

"Instead, he sang," Hyacinthe said with a smile. "He lifted his voice and heart to the heavens and there were those there who heard. Not the One God, he was still in mourning for the loss of his son on the cross in Tiberium. But angels, true angels, eight of them who heard the call and were moved to help. There was clever Shemhazai, gentle Eisheth, clever Anael, martial Camael, proud Azza, mighty Kushiel, and loyal Cassiel, who came in duty to the compassion that the One God had forgotten. But the first of these were beautiful Naamah, who lay with the king of Persis for a night in exchange for Elua's freedom. And, oh, there are stories of that night that could bring a lady to pleasure to hear them told--" and, yes, that was another wink and a smile he was giving her "--and from those stories, we get the canons of each of the Houses of the Night Court. But those are tales for another time, no?"

Hanna had turned pinker again, and said, "Probably, yes." She wasn't unduly bothered by either the religious tone of this story, or what might have been something like blasphemy in her own world. That this segued into what sounded like a version of One Thousand and One Nights was, indeed, another story.

"And he founded his city in your home of Terre D'Ange," she checked.

"Well, yes," Hyacinthe said, laughing. "But you're jumping ahead! You can't just say it that way. A story has a proper rhythm to it, like a good song or a proper tryst. To jump ahead thus makes it all feel wrong."

He tilted his head towards her. "Though, if you'd rather, I can skip ahead to Terre D'Ange. I'd rather not trespass on your good nature."

"I don't mind, either way. As long as it's not embarrassing material for a classroom where were are meant to be filling out cheques," Hanna said, ducking her head, still smiling.

"I shall abandon all prurient thoughts, O Star of the Evening," he promised, his hand over his heart. "And do I stray, a simple chastisement from my lady will remind me where my tale ought to go."

Which, okay, was technically a dirty pun, but he kept his expression as innocent as he could make it, so it would be easy for Hanna to overlook it.

"So, after the night he spent with Naamah, the King of Persis kept to his word and sent for Elua to be freed. When the cell door opened, the fragrance of flowers emerged first, followed by Elua, crowned in vines, and even more their hearts were moved to love him. But the heart of the king was a jealous one, and he envied the simple love that his subjects had for Elua, and that Naamah would come to him no more, and he feared the power that Elua had and seemed to squander. So one night, he plied them with heavy wine mixed with the milk of the poppies, and placed them all on a boat with neither sails nor oars nor any other way to guide it, and set them upon the sea. But when they awoke, they did not fear. For though the angels had given up much of their power and seeming to join Elua, he still had the power to entreat and at his song, the animals of the deep came to guide his ship, returning them towards land, leaving them upon the shore in Bhodistan."

Again, Hanna's mastery of English didn't extend to slightly old-fashioned puns. But something about Hyacinthe's expression still had her laughing. And wondering a little.

"Poor Elua," she sympathized aloud. "What a silly king. Bhodistan?" She looked on the map, and couldn't immediately find it. "Where was the Magadalene during all this, too?"

"I don't know," he admitted, drawing Bhodistan on the map. It bore a striking resemblance to what were modern-day India and Pakistan. "Her story is entwined with Yeshua's, and I only know his insofar as it relates to Elua's. The Yeshuites might know, but few scholars deign to speak to the likes of me."

Hyacinthe was many things, but a scholar he was not. For one thing, it cost far too much money.

"Now," he said, taking up the thread of the story again, "Bhodistan is an ancient people and they feared to turn from their multitude of gods. But they recognize divinity, no matter what its form, and and would allow no harm to come to him. In Bhodistan, too, he met my mother's people, the Tsingani." For a moment, all of his theatrical storytelling left him and he looked a bit despondent. "We were not as wise as the Bhodistani and, in our ignorance, we laughed at Elua and denied him sanctuary. For that, we are cursed, forever to walk the Lungo Drom, the Long Road, and call no land our home. But so are we gifted; some Tsingani women have the power of the dromonde and are able to part the veils of time and look down the Lungo Drom, seeing what might be and what has gone before. Thus, did Elua grant us the power to see more clearly, since we were blinded by our own pride and folly then."

"The Long Road?" Hanna frowned, and added, "That doesn't seem quite fair." She'd entered into the spirit of the tale now, and was suspending disbelief about Elua being an angel-god. Or something. "To curse a people for an ancestor's mistake." On the other hand... "Maybe he thought you'd like to travel more." Hyacinthe had certainly been interested in all the places she'd mentioned before.

"'Tis a difference between traveling because you wish to and traveling because you have no home," Hyacinthe said softly.

Then, a moment later, he shook off his melancholy, offering Hanna a bright smile as he picked up the thread of the tale again.

"Elua also did much traveling, traveling across his mother's bosom, his Companions at his side. When they were in civilization, Naamah would lay with strangers to bring in coin to feed him. When they were among the wilds, animals would bring him food. For years, they wandered. In Akkad, lions led him to honey. In Tiroc Pass, a great eagle would fly over every morning to drop a sweet berry into Elua's mouth. Ever onward he traveled, north and west. In Skaldia, the wolves and ravens gave him succor, though the tribesmen threatened him with spear and axe and called out to their gods of blood and iron. Where necessary, Camael would stand in Elua's defense and Kushiel would punish those who fell, giving them cruel mercy and a terrible justice. Of all the Companions, only Cassiel gave thought to the Heaven they had left behind, but he loved Elua too well to go back."

"'Twas summer when they came to a land that lay yet unclaimed and unnamed, though there were people in it. Sweet fields of lavender bloomed and perfumed the air. Olives grew thick and grapes for wine, and sweet melons that were cool on a parched throat. The rivers flowed in crystalline purity and as they wandered through the fields, the people there opened their arms and hearts to Elua and his Companions. And there they chose to stay and named it for themselves, Terre D'Ange, and bid the people to keep but to one sacred law: love as thou wilt." He smiled down at Hanna. "But this is not the end of Elua's story."

"But that is how that city was founded, and why," Hanna observed. "Love as thou wilt." She didn't frown, but she looked extremely thoughtful. "It sounds like a beautiful place... so what is the rest of the story?"

"That was how Terre D'Ange was founded," Hyacinthe corrected. "Now, Elua's companions divided their new land up into seven parts: Namarre for Naamah, Siovale for Shemhazai, Eisande for Eisheth, L'Agnace for Anael, Kusheth for Kushiel, Azzalle for Azza, and Camlach for Camael, where he could keep watch over the east, where people lurked in jealousy as the D'Angelines grew in grace and beauty. Elua chose no particular land to claim for his own, wandering wherever his feet took him, and Cassiel remained ever by his side, loving him as a brother. However, time and again, he returned to a beloved spot by a mighty river and there a city grew up, walls hewn from bright stone and homes lovingly carved from fragrant woods. And it was given no name, but simply called the City of Elua, for there he rested more often than any other space."

Don't worry, Hanna, that wasn't the end of the story. "Now, over many years, Elua and his Companions lived in peace and prosperity, adhering to his law. They lay with women and with men--save Cassiel, again--and their children abounded. To these children, they taught the knowledge of Heaven: of machinery and navigation, of health and husbandry, of agriculture and aqueducts and so many others. They grew wise and wealthy and the sound of their songs were loud enough to reach Heaven and the ear of the One God."

"Finally, the One God left off grieving long enough to look down at the world and saw the land of the angels and that they continued to grow and prosper. And he grew wroth--how dare they rejoice when Yeshua was no more? How dare his angels leave his side for another's and teach what they knew? How dare the children of these unions be so bright and so fair and dare to overrun the world? And so he sent the leader of his host to bring Elua to face him before his throne."

"That sounds.... not logical," Hanna said, frowning in confusion. Her idea of deity was something embodied in woods, in wind, in running. Stars, maybe. This God of Hyacinthe sounded like a very petty property owner. "And there is a great deal of emphasis on beauty in this story, is there not?" She considered. "Any stories I would tell like this, would have their origins in blood. And fighting."

She straightened, though, still paying attention closely. You could learn a great deal about someone by the stories they told.

"Beauty is important to D'Angelines. Not just the beauty of physical form, though we appreciate that too, but in music, in art, in writing. In doing anything with dignity and grace. There is a joke told in many other countries--that a D'Angeline will buy flowers before they will buy bread. And, well, they're not very far from the truth. 'Without beauty, the soul shall perish'. Our King's Poet, Thelesis de Mornay said that."

She was no great beauty, just to look at. But then she spoke and became the loveliest woman in the world. "But to continue--we're almost to the end, jolie, the leader of the One God's armies came to earth with righteous fire, to bring Elua to Heaven. But Elua came to him, smiling and empty-handed, and laid upon him the kiss of peace. And the One God's commander returned to heaven, ashamed, but wearing wreathes of flowers."

Because, again, flowers. "And mighty was the One God's wrath at this failure, but his arch-herald came to him and they discussed much. And the One God realized that he had no dominion over Elua, for though he was mortal, he'd been begotten in the womb of the Earth. And rather than commanding, he sent his arch-herald down to beseech Elua instead, offering forgiveness and a place at the One God's right hand, did he summon his Companions and leave the rich soil of his Mother Earth. Hearing that plea, Elua asked Cassiel for a dagger and...do you know what he did with it?"

What would this demi-god, demi-angel do? Hanna frowned. That kind of thing was entirely outside her experience. "I would have stabbed the messenger if I picked up a dagger, but your Elua does not sound like he would do that. I don't know. He could have simply sent a message to this ... God, that he liked where he was."

"My, you are a daughter of Skaldia, aren't you?" Hyacinthe laughed. "But you are right. He cut his palm and let the blood flow, rich and red and fragrant. And where it hit the earth, scarlet anemones bloomed. 'My grandfather's Heaven is bloodless and I am not,' Elua told the arch-herald. ' Let him offer a better place, where we may love and sing and grow as we are wont, where our children and our children’s children may join us, and I will go.' And the One God, speaking through the arch-herald replied, 'There is no such place.' For many long moments, there was only silence between Heaven and Terre D'Ange, broken only by the sound of Elua's blood pouring to the earth."

Hyacinthe had never been to church proper, but he doubted even a priest of Elua could tell the story better. "And then, just as those gathered thought that it would come to a battle between the hosts of Heaven and Elua and his Companions, Mother Earth spoke to her once-husband for the first time in thousands upon thousands of years. 'We can create one, You and I,' she said, and her voice was the shaking of the rocks and the sound of plants bursting up through rich soil, and even the water lapping upon the shores."

"Thus was the creation of the true Terre d’Ange that lies beyond mortal perception, and blessed Elua and his Companions went willingly into it, passing not through the dark gate of death, but straightway through the bright gate. And alone among them, only Cassiel gazed backward in sorrow. Generation upon generation, the blood of Elua and his Companions runs still in the veins of their descendants, each of whom will one day follow to the land that lies beyond. And though centuries pass, they do not forget, but call their land still after that further one, and keep always sacred the precept of blessed Elua, that is, Love as thou wilt."

Hyacinthe drew his story to a close, offering Hanna a smile. "Such is Terre d’Ange."

Hanna gave him soft applause, and a large smile. "You are a very good storyteller. You should do that always." She folded her hands, thinking on what he'd explained, both about the Tsingani, and the Long Road, and how that might work into the story of Terre d'Ange. "It's lovely... although I feel sad for Cassiel, always looking back. Couldn't he visit that other heaven, sometimes?" Then again, it wasn't like she could go back to her past, either. "I wish I could tell a story as well as you do. I shall have to practice in the future, I suppose. But you're already wonderfully -- poetic."

"My thanks," he said, giving her a bright and merry grin. "I've made my bread by telling stories before, though, I must admit, I am of average skill only. This story benefited from being familiar. Now, do you like stories, you should hear a Mendicant weave a tale, with voices and sound effects and plot twists to make your heart pound and your eyes tear. Still enough, I am glad you enjoyed the story, jolie."

"I did," Hanna said, ducking her head, then forcing herself to make eye contact. "We only had two books when I was growing up. An encyclopedia, and a book of fairy tales. I loved the fairy tales more. Although Papa did make the encyclopedia as interesting as he could."

"We had none," Hyacinthe said with an understanding nod. "I was just lucky enough to live on Rue Coupole, in Night's Doorstep. Home of poets, storytellers, I ran errands for poets, listened to storytellers in taverns, laughed at noble sons telling lies to impress ladies, watched actors run lines and rewrite scripts. "Being surrounded by stories influenced my love of them as surely as your lack, I think.

"I would have loved that. Or music? Did they have music there in the City of Elua too?" They must have, if they valued all things beautiful. "Do you have fairy tales? Tales that aren't true, but everyone knows them?"

"We have music and fiction and art and everything!" Hyacinthe assured her. "I would put a simple D'Angeline shepherd on pipes up against the court musicians of any land and put all my money on the shepherd every time."

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Home Ec, Tuesday, Period 1

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