fandomhigh | Sex Ed, Wednesday, Period 2

“To steal from somebody smarter than me, life is a disease,” Didi said from the front of the classroom, seeming more somber than usual. “Sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.”

“And that’s true, as far as it goes. If you don’t have sex, you don’t have life -- at least not human life. But once we have the life thing started there are some other things you need to watch out for. Which is why I’m here.

“There are a lot of other sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs. Most of them can be fixed with antibiotics. One that can’t is called AIDS, which stands for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It doesn’t kill you directly. It damages your body’s immune system and makes it harder for you to fight off other diseases, and then the diseases you catch kill you. AIDS is caused by a virus called HIV. The good news is, we have treatments called antiretrovirals now that help keep HIV from making you sick. People can live good, normal lives for decades as long as they keep taking the treatment to keep the virus in their bloodstream from multiplying. Having said that: life with HIV still isn’t exactly fun, and most of you would probably rather not get it.”

Didi went on for a bit, explaining how people got HIV and other sexually transmitted or blood-borne diseases, and stressing that they weren't particularly easy to transmit outside a sexual situation.

“But the thing is,” she said, “you can’t tell who’s got an STD by looking at them. Don’t kid yourself that only certain kinds of people get HIV or syphilis or gonorrhea. Skin color’s not important, or gender, or whether you’re gay or straight, or how old or young you are. Any kind of person can get an STD, and then spread it after they’ve gotten it.

“You don’t have to not have sex because you could catch something, but it’s a good idea to practice safer sex. A lot of people talk about “safe sex”or “safer sex,” and it’s not always clear what they mean. Well, for a start, if you’re having sex and there’s a penis involved, you should know what one of these is.”

She picked a condom out of the bowl and held it aloft.

“This is a condom. There are all kinds of brand names and colors and even flavors available in just about every drug store or supermarket you walk into. They work by preventing sperm from coming into contact with the other person’s body. And my lovely co-teacher” -- she smiled winsomely at John -- “is going to help me demonstrate the correct use.”

"You are a horrible woman," he sighed, pulling a banana out of his pocket and brandishing it at the class. "Leavin' me with the bits to embarrass the kids."

"So here's the deal," he said, pointing the banana at them. "There's a lot of embarrassment connected with possessing, purchasing, and using condoms. But fuck that shite, most of it is projected morality you've picked up from your parents or the telly."

"Now, for demonstration purposes, this is a banana. Not an actual penis." You don't say, John. "And this--" he waved a foil packet at them, "--is a male condom."

Were you embarrassed yet, class? Because it was about to get worse as he explained in a dry, matter-of-fact tone, how to open it up and put it on your -- or someone else's -- banana.

"Now there's also condoms that you girls can use that are insertable, but don't use both types together," he continued. "Now, some people don't like condoms. But if that arsehole doesn't care enough about you to wear one, they probably aren't worth having sex with. Throw them out the door and take care of it yourself.”

“Thanks, John,” Didi said as she handed a bunch of bananas to the closest student for them to pass along. The bowl of condoms started from the other end. “The same goes, by the way, if someone tries to stop you from using a condom. Consider it a red light and don't waste your time.”

“Since this was a class on STDs, we didn't talk about how sex has an inconvenient habit of creating babies. Safer sex can cut that risk, too, and we’ll talk more about other types of birth control next week.”

Once all of the condoms and bananas were distributed, she smiled again. “And now it's time for you to work on putting condoms on bananas. I know it's a little silly and embarrassing, but think how much more embarrassing it would be to have to try to work it out for the first time in a dark room, in front of somebody you like, after a few drinks. John, any tips?”

"Try not to have too many drinks first, even if you feel like you want the liquid courage," he said dryly. "Hand-eye coordination goes to shite, and that's when stuff rips or you just can't get the bloody thing open."

"Beyond that? Just practice, practice, practice." He pointed at the bowls of condoms by the door. "It's why we have freebies, kids. Take 'em back to your room, open them up, and experiment with how they work in the privacy of your dorm. Use 'em as water balloons, and realize any dick who says they 'don't fit' is a lying sack of shit. Compare different brands to see what you like, or find out if you have a latex allergy. Go wild."

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"I saw the demonstration," she shot back, turning to shoot him a glare.

Which was, yeah, the extent of her experience. Shut up, Dante.

"Condom's still on the table."

He was the best at observing things.

"I was getting to it!"

No she wasn't.

"Uh huh," Dante said, hand sliiiiiding over to snag her condom.

"What are you doing?" Ringo snapped, snatching at it.

Like she was actually going to do anything if she managed to get it.

"You want me to hold the banana instead?" Dante said. Sweetly.

Well, as sweetly as he was capable of, which was not very.

"Screw you," Ringo shot back.

"Why are you even over here?" He had his own, you know, place to sit.

Which he'd brought with him.

"You looked like you needed some help," Dante said.

Now he was going for the banana anyway.

"You have your own banana!"

No, Ringo. Just. No.

"Already put a condom on mine," Dante pointed out. "Now I'm just helping you put one on yours."

Dante, be nice.

"I don't need you to help me with a condom."

Ever, Dante.

Ever.

Dante snickered and held it out for her.

He raised his eyebrows.

Well, then, Ringo. Come on.

Snatch.

Of course, now Ringo was just sitting there awkwardly, scowling. Not, you know, doing anything with the banana or the condom.

"It's fine to admit you just can't do something," Dante said.

Oh, Dante. You know just what buttons to press.

"Screw you, Dante."

Ringo ripped at the foil condom packet way too hard. It was a lucky thing that she didn't rip the contents, too. She gripped the banana in one hand, the condom in the other, and then, well, froze again.

"Seriously," Dante said. "It's a fucking banana."

So help him, he'd get her over this hump.

... Heh.

"What do you even care," Ringo snapped.

Because scowling at Dante was way more comfortable than stupid condoms.

"Maybe I've just gone bananas over you," Dante said, fluttering his eyelashes at her.

"Maybe you're just a jackass."

Scowl, scowl, scowl.

At least as long as she was scowling, she was paying attention while Dante mimed what she should be doing.

Ugh. Dante was the worst!

She snapped her head away, but that left her staring at the banana and condom in her hands, which wasn't really much better.

At least the banana didn't piss her off?

"This is just sad," Dante said, sinking back into his seat.

"You're just--!" What? Sad? What kind of comeback was "you're just sad", Ringo?

She cut herself off just made an inarticulate sound of frustration.

"Better than you?" Dante volunteered.

"Nobody's better than anybody," Didi interceded. She'd started paying attention to the conversation about the time when they started swearing. "Take it down a notch, guys. We aren't here to embarrass people."

Dante.

"Or to call each other names."

Ringo.

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