fandomhigh | Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

"Okay," Vanessa said, "let's talk about what happens when times get tough. I don't mean when you have a fight. I mean when someone's sick, or dying, or in jail. Maybe it's you, and how do you relate to other people who are important to you while you're going through that kind of crisis? Maybe it's not you, maybe it's not the person you're in a relationship with, maybe a loved one of theirs, but maybe it is them. How do you support them and be there for them--and, and this is important, how do you make it not about you?

"So here's where I tell you guys a little bit about myself. My fiance had cancer. Of the...pretty much everything, by the time we found out. I mean, it's not--you don't survive that. But I couldn't accept that. I was ready to drag him to every doctor in the world if I had to if it got him another...week, month, day, whatever. And then I woke up one morning and Wade had walked out on me, and I thought he'd gone off somewhere to die where I wouldn't have to see him, and I was so angry. I didn't care how sick he was going to get. I just wanted him there, with me, for as long as possible. But it wasn't about me, and if he didn't want me to see him like that, that was his call." She paused, then said, more flip, "Came to find out he was off getting superpowers and a horrible skin condition, but I didn't know that at the time. The point is, it wasn't about me, and I was making it about me. I was forcing my help and my opinion where it wasn't wanted and it wasn't really any use. But Wade, instead of actually telling me that and us figuring out a mature solution, just ghosted on me, and he told himself he was doing it for me. So it's kind of the same thing, actually, he was making my pain--which was about him dying, but still--all about him and his presence in my life, and so he just did what he thought would help me without asking me what I actually needed from him. This is...we're still working through this.

"So that's really the takeaway here. It's not about you, except when it is about you, but even then you have to consider how you're impacting other people. But other people's crisises are not about your pain, and they're not about what you can jump in and do to fix it. You have to ask, and talk about it--"What can I do to help?" is a very important question, and if the answer is 'nothing,' then you have to accept that. At the very least you have to think about, 'Would this person want me to do this thing?' And I mean really think about it, not justify to yourself that of course they would want you to do the thing if it meant 'insert favorable outcome here' when you know better deep down.

"Has this ever happened to you?" Vanessa asked. "Not the superpowers cancer thing, but have you ever done something for a friend or loved one trying to help, without asking, and caused more problems? Or have you ever assumed someone would want something that turned out to be not what they wanted at all? You can share with the class if you want to, or you can just think about it. And remember, talk to people. You'll never get anything clear without communication."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Talk about one time you really borked it up, if you want to. Or just think about it.

"I guess maybe the time I blindfolded my Great Uncle Stan and took him to the top of the water tower to try to cure him of his fear of heights," Mabel offered, looking thoughtful. "I mean, I thought it was a good idea, but once the blindfold came off... hooboy. But I guess it probably would have gone better if the tower wasn't almost destroyed by a video game character my brother brought to life and let loose on this guy who was seeing this girl my brother liked?"

That could probably be parsed if you squinted.

"Long story short, we almost died, Grunkle Stan was cured of his fear of heights, and you will never, never find Mabel Pines on top of a water tower again."

Ringo looked thoughtful. "What are you supposed to do when someone says they don't want your help with something, but they actually really need it?"

She was asking for a friend!

"Well, that's sort of what I thought I was doing," Vanessa told her. "Wade didn't tell me that in so many words, though. If he had? I probably would have listened to him, and maybe you should, too. What makes you think you know so much better than your friend what they need?"

"Oh, um." Good question.

"Well, in your example, you were trying to keep someone alive. Isn't that a good thing?"

Keeping things squarely on Vanessa's side of things made it a lot easier to talk about this than Ringo having to think through the details of her own situation.

"Maybe," Vanessa said. "But cancer treatments can make people really, really sick to buy maybe just a few more weeks of a really shitty quality of life. Maybe it would have been better to focus on making the most of the time we had left. Or maybe if we'd actually talked about things we could have discussed his 'go get superpowers' plan before he went off to try it. The point is that you can't decide things like that on your own for other people, without their input and without really listening to them."

"If, um, if you had discussed it, do you think you would have been able to say 'okay' if he decided he wanted to just, uh, die?"

Ringo looked worried that that might be an insensitive question.

"Then? No," Vanessa admitted. "I would have still wanted to fight it, probably." Because she was selfish and human and wanted Wade with her as long as possible, no matter what. "And we would have fought about it, but I hope I would have come to realize what I did in hindsight: that it was his life, and his call to make. And that there were worse alternatives I wasn't even seeing yet."

"Well, there are things worse than dying," Ringo admitted thoughtfully.

Building Healthy Relationships, Monday, Period 4

After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture

Re: After the Lecture