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Conspiracy Theories - Period 2, Wednesday

"Today we're going to discuss the 'faked' moon landings," Washington informed the class once they were seated. "Because an entire government agency, Russia, and Hollywood could keep that a secret if it were true."

They could not. They so could not.

"The theory has several variations depending on who is to blame for the supposed hoax. Some say just the first landing was fake, but some of the others were real. Some that Stanley Kubrik directed all the ladings on a Disney sound stage at the behest of the government. Which sounds like they just pulled things out of a hat and went with it," he added. "Nearly all the complaints about the landings have been debunked by this point in history, so just think of this one as a quaint bit of stupidity. Besides, everyone knows the real faked landing was on Mars."

Thanks, space marine from the future. Thanks.

"We also have another presentation from the class, this time from Face." And Wash would regret ever allowing this to happen. At least Anders' hadn't been ridiculous like Lottie's.

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Faker.

Jasper Dent

Lottie Grote

Garik Loran

Eric Bittle

Kathy Li

Anders

Johnny Storm

Blue Sargent

Maybe judge the teacher for not believing the government would deceive us so.

This was, again, nothing something Jasper had paid that much attention to. If it was faked, whatever. Let people fake what they wanted. Secrets were meant to be kept, after all.

It was the Mars landing that was faked. But, oddly, the Jupiter one was not.

"The only way this would work is if the government had the magic power of convincing everyone to keep their mouth shut for decades," Kathy declared. "Entirely unlikely."

"And the Soviet Union who would have loved to embarrass them," Wash added.

"Exactly," Kathy said, folding her arms across her chest. "The Soviet Union had every reason to say we were lying. If they had even the tiniest shred of evidence, they would have leaped on it. Why do people believe in this stuff?"

Please tell her you had insights into that, Wash.

"Paranoia, an echo chamber effect when surrounded by people who feed into a similar mind set, an anti-government mentality," he offered. "Or just basic stupidity."

"I know which one I think it is," Kathy muttered. "But, seriously, how boring does your life have to be to spend time trying to prove this stuff is true?"

If Kathy ended up doing a presentation--and of course she would, she was too nerdy not to--she'd start by handing everyone aluminum foil hats just to let everyone know how seriously she was NOT taking it.

Try going on Reddit sometime." And sob a little.

Kathy shuddered. "Why would you even suggest that?"

"Welcome to my world."

"Do you really trawl through subreddits trying to find conspiracy theories for us?" Kathy sounded horrified. Surely that much concentrated stupidity couldn't be good for anyone! "No job is worth that!"

And he didn't even get decent healthcare out of the deal!

"Welcome to working world." It was awful.

He should sue for damages. That was pretty much the definition of hostile work environment. Kathy would testify for the prosecution.

"You've just made an excellent argument for being unemployed for forever," Kathy told him.

When he pings in!

Face was dressed soberly as he stood at the front of the class, a deeply serious expression on his face.

"Gentlebeings," he said. "Today I bring you a deeply unsettling tale. A story of talent, untimely death, and lingering mysteries, as we try to uncover the fate of one of the galaxy's most brightly shining stars."

He fiddled with a control and a still of a young, adorable boy appeared on the screen behind him, anyone paying attention may have felt some vague sense of familiarity. "Born on Pantolomin, Garik Loran was one of the foremost child stars of his era." Again, those paying attention may have picked up on some similarites here. Subtle ones. "Even from a young age, his obvious talent, abundant charm, and work ethic were clear outstripping most of his peer, leaving some, such as one Tetran Cowell completely in the dust, and elevating even the most dire material. Which given he was working mainly in Imperial Propaganda holodramas, says more for his skill than I ever could.

"But tragedy struck, shortly after this image was taken," Face fiddled with another control, and a photo of what was unmistakably a slightly younger, unscarred Face staring soulfully into the lens, a mop of dark curls haloing his face. It had taken a lot of time to find the least ridiculous shot from that set. "Now a teenager, Loran was kidnapped by rebel insurgents and killed, making headlines across the Empire. But that is where our tale takes a turn, for barely had the story broken, when it was knocked from the headlines by a new story. Where yet another group of rebels had somehow destroyed an new Imperial space station. This is the start of the Loran Conspiracy."

Face looked around the class. "You may ask, what conspiracy? News stories break all the time, surely this was just a coincidence. But if you scratch the surface, the destruction of this so-called 'Death Star' makes no sense, the pinnacle of Imperial military might, destroyed by a single shot from a single X-Wing fighter? Clearly it didn't happen because there was no Death Star, the whole thing was a media hoax designed to distract from Loran's kidnapping and death. Because Loran did not die, instead he was forced to undergo dark Jedi rituals, which gave him powers beyond those of ordinary humans, but at the cost of his memories, and after breaking free of his captors, he now roams the galaxy, righting wrongs wherever he may find them."

Or he'd learned how evil the Empire was from his kidnappers, accidentally been shot in the face by his 'rescuers', faked his death, gone to high school in another dimension, and was now attempting to troll his teacher. But what were the chances of that happening?

"Seriously." WASH REGRETTED PLACING HIS TRUST IN YOU, FACE.

Face looked at Wash, all innocence. "Seriously."

It wasn't like anything he'd said before the words 'Loran Conspiracy' was a lie.

"First of all 'Death Star' is a terrible name for anything other than a heavy metal band," Wash said. "And second, it's not a conspiracy if you're right here."

"The Empire doesn't do subtle well." Would Wash like Face to play the clip of his death scene from Win or Die as proof? Or he could act it out, you don't forget lines like that.

"It's artistic licence," he said. "Dark Jedi powers and a quest for justice sounds more dramatic than some stormtroopers kriffed up and shot the hostage."

No, but playing it anyway would just make him more annoyed. Which is why it ought to happen.

Wash just had to sigh. "Stormtroopers?"

His expression said everything about that name. It was nowhere near as cool as Freelancer.

Freelancers could probably aim better too. Well, they couldn't aim worse.

"Like I said, they don't do subtle well." He cued up the clip. "See?"

So the whole class got to see tiny Face's character get shot in the back by his father, then spent an unrealistically long time dying tragically in the Emperor's arms while begging him not to let his death be in vain. It was all very poignant. Just not because of the writing.

Yes, he really should have bled out before the end of that monologue. Then again, movies.

"Remind me to never go where you're from."

And not just because people might think he was a Mandalorian. He didn't even know what that was.

Given how many takes it took for the director to be happy, Face had almost been wishing he'd bled out by the end of it.

"There are good holos there, just not ones where the Empire had to approve the script."

It would have been a mercy, that's true.

"I'll keep that in mind."

When they ping in!

The real conspiracy about space that concerned Wash was about Agent Georgia. Why wouldn't anyone tell him what happened?!

Lottie's had been awesome, thank you.

Though she was now kind of wishing she'd done something on the Bielefeld Conspiracy. Because who didn't love entire towns being written off as imaginary?

I like playing hooky from work.

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Conspiracy Theories - Period 2, Wednesday

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