Powers, Identity and the World: Embracing the Real You - Friday, Period One

[angelo_wings]

Today’s class was going to be a bit lopsided. Unlike last week, both teachers were present -- Rinoa, sitting nervously on the desk, and Jono, arms folded in the chair behind it -- but this class was Rinoa’s idea, so she was going to be doing most of the talking.

It was only fair. He’d taken over when she had been suffering from some rare exotic avian flu* the week before, so this was his turn. Moreover, he -- well. It wasn’t that he disagreed with her, because he didn’t, exactly. But devoting not just a sentence or two as disclaimer, but an entire class to this issue? That was something she’d pushed for, so he had agreed to let her have this one session just to climb up onto her soapbox.

*completely average cold

“Welcome back,” Rinoa said, feeling suddenly small as she realized it was just-her in charge this time. Okay. Deep breaths. “Over the next few weeks, Jono and I want to talk about your inner circle, and how careful you should be with it -- what types of people to look out for. People are going to use you, deceive you, manipulate you, suck up to you, avoid you, all of that awful stuff, and you need to be aware that it’s going to happen so you know good ways to prevent it.”

All well and good.

“But that’s not what this class is about.” Her hands were reaching up, unconsciously, to touch the rings on a chain around her neck. “Because the thing is, I think -- I think that some of you already know that lesson too well. You know how to hide. You know how to avoid. You’ve learned that no one is safe, so you stay away from the world. Or you’ve turned it inside-out. You aren’t safe, so you lock yourself away to save everyone else.”

She was glancing around the room now, trying to meet the eyes of everyone who she suspected might need this talk. Just based on how they were fidgeting or slumping.

“And you’re wrong.”

Her voice was steady as she continued. “You couldn’t be more wrong. It’s not safer for them, and it’s certainly not safer for you. No man is an island. The problem is fear. You’re afraid. So it’s easier to hide. But that just makes it so much easier for all of your problems to spin out of control.”

She glanced back at Jono, who gave her a nod as if to say she was doing fine. That helped her nerves, so she cleared her throat.

“I’ve told you before that I’m a Sorceress,” she said. “I didn’t tell you what that means. Most Sorceresses go mad. They can’t handle the power they have. They isolate themselves, and they lose their sanities. They turn into crazed dictators, fighting wars. They need to be stopped, forcibly. People are so afraid of Sorceresses that they tried to lock me away, and I was so afraid of what I might do -- of the things I had already done -- that I almost let them.”

Well, she had let them, but luckily Squall had had other ideas.

“I got some advice,” she said. “From an older, wiser Sorceress. A lovely, kind woman who ran an orphanage with her husband and had been a Sorceress since she was just a child. She was the one who told me I had it all wrong. Sorceresses don’t need isolation. They need to be grounded. They need Knights. A Knight is someone who guards the Sorceress from the darker side of her powers. From herself, if need be. He protects her heart, and her humanity.”

She smiled as her fingers traced the familiar grooves on her mother’s ring. “I have a Knight,” she said. “I’m still scared. But I’m safer with a Knight than I would be, hiding away and trying to wish all of my powers away. That won’t help anything. Isolating yourself won’t help anything. It’ll only make it all the easier for you to become separated out from the rest of the world. You need to be tied to the world. You, your essential self, you need other people to keep you yourself.”

She was explaining in circles, but maybe they understood.

“Find someone to trust. Maybe back home no one understands, but you’re in Fandom. People here do. Don’t close that door out of fear. We’ll be talking in weeks to come about who not to trust, but I wanted to say this first: don’t be afraid to trust. Be wise, be cautious, but be open. Not just so you can stay safe, but also so you don’t -- waste your life locked so far inside of yourself that you don’t know how to come out again.”

She shrugged awkwardly. “That’s all I wanted to say.”

Comments

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[notacokeperson.livejournal.com]

It was... probably a smarter idea for Karina to just keep her mouth shut and sulk in the back of the class again but, well, she was kinda bored of that and she did have opinions on this.

Lots and lots of opinions.

"If you have powers," because she certainly didn't, thank-you-very-much, "and I mean that as a general-you, not a specific-you, then, maybe this is something I'm missing, but why do you have to talk about it at all in the first place? Like, for some, I get it that it's pretty much impossible to not have them be noticed or acknowledged but... like, why does everyone seem so focused on being all 'oh hey, I've got this, I'm awesome because of this!'? Like, why even bother if you don't need to? I don't get that. What's wrong with just not bringing it up?"

Karina had powers, not that she was admitting it to anyone in class, ever, and she still really, honestly, and truly didn't get it. Her powers were a footnote in her life, a stepping stone for the things she really wanted, not her identity or particularly important to her except for how they could further her real goals.

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[pasunereveuse.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to," Celia replied, glancing over. "But some of us don't ever get to talk about it, at least not at home. Some of us are told not to express that part of ourselves. Some of us are kept closeted and told not to use what we've been given."

She worried her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment. "It's not -- I don't think it's bragging, or anything, though I can't speak for anyone else. I think it's...commiserating. Isn't that the point of this class? How our powers tie into our identity? And never being allowed to express a facet of your identity publicly, for fear of retribution, is a terrible feeling."

She'd lost a parent over not being able to keep quieter about her powers, after all. Celia knew this lesson well.

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[notacokeperson.livejournal.com]

Karina resisted the urge to shrug. Mostly because she thought it might look more dismissive than uncomfortable and while Karina was definitely uncomfortable and frequently dismissive, she didn't really want to get in shit about it.

And if she just let her mouth run, she would. Karina was well aware of that.

"I guess I just don't get why powers have to be tied into identity," she sayd, after a moment of picking out her words carefully. "I mean, we've done the whole 'you are you, not your powers' class but it kinda sounds like we're right back to people being their powers with the whole having to trust, having to talk, having to do things to acknowledge that people have powers. Like, to borrow from the class title, what if the real you really doesn't need embrace your powers to be the 'real you'?"

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[pasunereveuse.livejournal.com]

Celia considered that thoughtfully, nodding along. "I think the point is that anyone here isn't only their powers," she agreed carefully. "And that if you -- and I do mean the general you, of course -- don't see them as part of your identity, that's wonderful for you. But I think a lot of us do see it as at least part of who we are, and we should be allowed to express that, you know? If I were absolutely phenomenal at knitting, but for whatever reason knitting was outlawed where I was from -- well, then finding a group of people who understand that I love to knit and I'm great at it would be wildly rewarding, and I'd probably want to spend a fair amount of time talking to my fellow knitters about knitting. Again, not to brag, but to share the experience. To share the burden."

A pause, and then, "I'm dreadful at knitting, but I couldn't think of anything else."

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[notacokeperson.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't even know where to start with knitting," Karina admitted, a bit more cheerfully than she'd been all class. She could talk about the hypothetical of knitting, absolutely.

"I guess, I just look at myself and figure that, if I was great at knitting, to run with what you were using, and I found a group of people who were also great at it and openly talked about it... I don't know that I'd want to join in. Like, if the options are keeping my knitting secret and being safe, or trusting people to keep my secret safe for me, well, keeping it to myself seems like the safer, smarter option, even if it's not as... fun?"

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[pasunereveuse.livejournal.com]

That got a real, genuine smile out of Celia. "In that case," she said, careful to continue using the knitting metaphor, "I tend to default to thinking that we'd all get in trouble for knitting, then. Everyone's strange, so no one is. Everyone's an outcast...so no one is. If they rat me out -- well, they're putting themselves in danger, too, and it's really by the very virtue of other people being knitters that I would feel secure in sharing my secret. To abandon the knitting thing for a moment -- I didn't admit to my magic, here, until I realized it wasn't unusual. And then it was like -- like finally being able to breathe, after holding my breath for years. Or, you know, knitting in a closet. Whichever metaphor. But that's my experience, as someone who's had to do a lot of hiding and resented it, if that makes sense."

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[angelo_wings]

"You don't," Rinoa said, lifting her shoulders. "You, the hypothetical you, could go to classes and never let on that you have powers at all. I know people who have hidden what they are, even from those closest to them. It's an acceptable choice."

She was shrugging again, easily. "There are a lot of advantages to hiding in plain sight. Plenty of people with powers do. Some full time, and some now and then. I can hide who I am, and in the right circumstances, I should, and I do."

"But here," she continued, "here, I don't have to. For some people, that's a freeing feeling. I don't know that it's 'I have powers, and I'm awesome!' I think for some of us it's more, 'I have powers, and I'm so glad I'm not alone.' Or 'I have powers, and I can admit here, and only here, that they frighten me.' Or even 'I have powers. If you do, too, then can we compare notes on how we deal with them?'"

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[notacokeperson.livejournal.com]

Karina chewed on the inside of her mouth for a moment before deciding that, well, she might as well say what she was thinking.

"Calling keeping it to yourself an 'acceptable choice'," she said slowly, "kinda sounds to me like you think the other choice, of sharing, is better. Isn't that kinda... I don't know, I think if I had powers, I'd find that a bit hard to deal with, I guess. Like, maybe that's the better way for you, and I can't make any judgements about that," okay, she could, but she was being good and trying not to let that show, "but, I guess, if I had powers, I'd think the other way is better than what you seem to think is better so... where does that leave this if we're both sorta thinking the other person is wrong but not actually saying that?"

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[angelo_wings]

Rinoa raised an eyebrow. "I said 'acceptable,' and I meant acceptable," she said. "I'm not here to say what's better for you, the hypothetical you. I don't know hypothetical-your situation."

"We might be talking at cross-purposes," she continued. "I was trying to address the many people who choose to hide, not because they don't wish to discuss their powers, or find them to be private, personal matters, or consider them trivial to their identity, but out of fear. Some people don't let on that they have powers because they're scared of what other people will say, of what they might do, of admitting what it all means. I won't say that that's wrong, either, because that's another acceptable choice. But I think it's sad that people need to feel afraid, and I don't think it's safe to live with any part of yourself locked away due to fear, no matter what that part of yourself is."

She shrugged. "If a hypothetical-you thought so little of your hypothetical-powers that you could keep them a secret and not have that secret bring about isolation, or fear, then I'm happy for hypothetical-you, and believe you should continue making whatever choice is best for hypothetical-you."

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[not_every_mage]

"Because at home I'm not supposed to, at least not if I don't want to get rounded up," Anders admitted. "And it's fun to make people uncomfortable sometimes."

He tapped his pencil against his desk before he gave a more serious answer. "Besides, it's not as though I did anything wrong. Why should I try to hide something I didn't choose? I agree it's obnoxious if someone mentions their powers every thirty seconds, but I'm not going to lie by omission every day of my life."

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[notacokeperson.livejournal.com]

"Isn't it pretty obnoxious in and of itself to deliberately set out to make people uncomfortable?" she asked. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I do that too, though not with powers, but, like, claiming you're doing nothing wrong but deliberately setting out to upset people for no reason other than you feel like it, well, that's not really doing nothing wrong, is it? There's a difference between just being yourself and deliberately making people uncomfortable."

Re: Class Discussion: Learning to Trust [2-6]

[not_every_mage]

"I don't do it often," Anders grumbled, flushing a bit because she had a point. (Not that he intended to directly admit that.) "But if someone has a problem with my magic -- not with anything specific I did, but with the magic itself -- then they have a problem with me. And if someone has a problem with me based on nothing but prejudices and fear, I don't owe them anything. And I certainly don't need to stop doing magic, or stop talking about it, just to make them happier."