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fandomhigh2014-11-04 02:46 pm
glacial_queen) wrote in fandomhigh2014-11-04 02:46 pm
Entry tags:
Defying Expectations, Tuesday, Per 3
"Sometimes you fail."
Karla looked over her class, assembled in the Danger Shop, and slowly shook her head. "That was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. Sometimes you fail, and sometimes when you succeed, the cost is so high that it wasn't worth paying in the first place. For a lot of you, this is going to be a tough lesson to learn--especially here at Fandom. No matter how bad things get here, somehow it always works out in the end. When I was a student, all of reality collapsed. I lost friends, respected teachers, my home. My boyfriend snatched me up and threw me so that I'd escape the great onrushing Nothingness. I survived, but he was taken. I had to say goodbye to some of my best friends as they watched reality unravel before their eyes and then I had to go and add their name to the list of the fallen outside of the school gates." Her voice quavered for a moment; even years later, remembering the last days of the Nothingness hurt. "In the end, it was just a handful of us living in Special Collections--and yet, from that, we managed to jumpstart reality and bring everyone back. Fandom has been invaded, attacked, and changed countless times. Those of you who have been here for awhile likely know what I mean. Those of you who are new will find out. But in the end, we always come out on top."
She smiled wistfully for a moment. "But that's not what happens in the real world. In its own way, Fandom is a happy fantasy where there are very few long-lasting consequences for even the most horrifying events. Things aren't permanent here. On the one hand, that's a kindness. We all deserve a few years where the worst things will fade away, leaving little more then scars and nightmares. On the other hand, it makes going out into the real world so much harder. You go back to places where actions have lasting consequences and the dead don't come back to us on Monday morning with a relieved smile. When you leave Fandom, you will find yourself in positions where you will lose and those losses will haunt you. Even if you can make up for them, there's no going back to the way things were, the way you can here."
Looking at them, Karla tried to meet the eyes of every individual student. "Some of you will be able to escape whatever destinies you've been given. Some of you won't be so lucky. And some of you will try to fight every step of the way and still end up exactly where you said you didn't want to be. But losing doesn't have to be the end of things. It's how you lose and what you do afterwards that matter."
She paused for a chance for people to share their feelings, if anyone was so inclined, and then murmured a command. The classroom image dissolved and the students found themselves in a large building, filled with some kind of indoor tent city. It was filthy in here and it stank; too many people in one space and not enough facilities. People were dirty and dispirited, their faces pinched with hunger and tight with fear. Here and there voices were raised in anger, loud disputes over a bottle of water, a claim to space, the virtue of someone's mother. The floors and walls were made of dirty concrete and the windows were boarded up. Over the echoing din of people, moans could be heard from the outside. "You'll all be alone when the simulation starts," she said. "It's individualized to each one of you. If you make it to the end of the class period without becoming a leader, you win. Ready? Let's begin." And with that, she vanished, as did every other student, leaving each student seemingly alone in a warehouse full of people.
[Incredibly ridiculous amounts of OCD up! Apologies, I didn't expect it to take as long as it did!]
Karla looked over her class, assembled in the Danger Shop, and slowly shook her head. "That was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. Sometimes you fail, and sometimes when you succeed, the cost is so high that it wasn't worth paying in the first place. For a lot of you, this is going to be a tough lesson to learn--especially here at Fandom. No matter how bad things get here, somehow it always works out in the end. When I was a student, all of reality collapsed. I lost friends, respected teachers, my home. My boyfriend snatched me up and threw me so that I'd escape the great onrushing Nothingness. I survived, but he was taken. I had to say goodbye to some of my best friends as they watched reality unravel before their eyes and then I had to go and add their name to the list of the fallen outside of the school gates." Her voice quavered for a moment; even years later, remembering the last days of the Nothingness hurt. "In the end, it was just a handful of us living in Special Collections--and yet, from that, we managed to jumpstart reality and bring everyone back. Fandom has been invaded, attacked, and changed countless times. Those of you who have been here for awhile likely know what I mean. Those of you who are new will find out. But in the end, we always come out on top."
She smiled wistfully for a moment. "But that's not what happens in the real world. In its own way, Fandom is a happy fantasy where there are very few long-lasting consequences for even the most horrifying events. Things aren't permanent here. On the one hand, that's a kindness. We all deserve a few years where the worst things will fade away, leaving little more then scars and nightmares. On the other hand, it makes going out into the real world so much harder. You go back to places where actions have lasting consequences and the dead don't come back to us on Monday morning with a relieved smile. When you leave Fandom, you will find yourself in positions where you will lose and those losses will haunt you. Even if you can make up for them, there's no going back to the way things were, the way you can here."
Looking at them, Karla tried to meet the eyes of every individual student. "Some of you will be able to escape whatever destinies you've been given. Some of you won't be so lucky. And some of you will try to fight every step of the way and still end up exactly where you said you didn't want to be. But losing doesn't have to be the end of things. It's how you lose and what you do afterwards that matter."
She paused for a chance for people to share their feelings, if anyone was so inclined, and then murmured a command. The classroom image dissolved and the students found themselves in a large building, filled with some kind of indoor tent city. It was filthy in here and it stank; too many people in one space and not enough facilities. People were dirty and dispirited, their faces pinched with hunger and tight with fear. Here and there voices were raised in anger, loud disputes over a bottle of water, a claim to space, the virtue of someone's mother. The floors and walls were made of dirty concrete and the windows were boarded up. Over the echoing din of people, moans could be heard from the outside. "You'll all be alone when the simulation starts," she said. "It's individualized to each one of you. If you make it to the end of the class period without becoming a leader, you win. Ready? Let's begin." And with that, she vanished, as did every other student, leaving each student seemingly alone in a warehouse full of people.
[Incredibly ridiculous amounts of OCD up! Apologies, I didn't expect it to take as long as it did!]
Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
But right now all she wanted to do was go and hide away for a very long time.
Re: Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
Maybe because she was way too close to, well, not exactly tears, but just the sort of shut-down that she'd fallen into when she'd failed to kill the Hawklord.
Re: Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
She was NOT thinking about Jade and Steffi and how completely and irrevocably she had failed them. She couldn't.
Re: Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
The sad thing is that this time there was no sarcasm. It was something she completely believed about herself.
Re: Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
She couldn't talk for a moment. Couldn't look up, couldn't do anything but stare at the desk through her hair.
"Because everything I do is - no matter how hard I try. I always fail and I always screw everything up and ruin everything."
Except with the midwifes.
"Except with the midwifes."
Because fair was fair after all.
Re: Talk to the TA
[sorry for the delay! Flu shot murdered me]
Re: Talk to the TA
He should have. She'd tried to kill him after all.
"I couldn't keep... people safe. Even later when I tried everything I could, more people died."
[And no worries, life has been *crazy*. Didn't even attempt anything for this weekend, 'cause I knew life would be so nuts.]
Re: Talk to the TA
Re: Talk to the TA
And she was on her face, fists clenched, turned as if she would face him now.
"I should have killed him then or died trying, but I just ran. And I tried to learn enough to kill him, but all I did was get other people killed whether by my hand or my screw-ups. That's all I am, all I do, screw up and kill people. I could birth every baby in all of the worlds forever and it would never make up for all the wrong I've done - that I chose to do. Not ever."
The anger fell away from her face and the hopelessness returned. "I try and work hard so someday I'll be a good Hawk, that my life will be worth something, but I know I can never make up what I've done."
Re: Talk to the TA
She shook her head. "Who is he, Kaylin? Who is he and why do you have to kill him?"
Re: Talk to the TA
She left her hands with Karla for a moment, then had to pull away so she could sink down onto the floor and cover her face with her hands. "He went away for a day and when he came back - something was wrong. He sent me out to run an errand and when I came back..."
It still made her sick and scared and guilty to think about it and it hurt so ridiculously much.
"There was blood, so much blood, and he was standing over them, covered in it. He killed them, slit their throats and just stood there staring at me and I ran. I ran and ran until I got into Barren and I hid there that night and I never went back, I couldn't. I just left them there with him, all dead."
"But I learned," she looked up, eyes blank and far away. "And one day I'll kill him or die trying. Probably die, but I don't care."
Re: Talk to the TA
She frowned at Kaylin, willing the girl to think. "What's more important? That you throw your life away in a fruitless attempt to mitigate your own guilt? Or that you successfully end the life of the bastard who hurt those girls?"
Hopefully no one was counting on Karla to caution Kaylin against vengeance and killing. Because that was so not the Kaeleeran way.
Re: Talk to the TA
He was - had been - her hero. The one person she had always felt safe with. Her home.
"One day I'll find him and I'll do everything I can to kill him for what he did to them. We - I - was all they had and he killed them."
And she didn't know why. He never did anything without a reason, but she couldn't begin to understand why - how - he could have killed the two little girls they'd loved so much. Maybe everything in that life had been a lie.
Re: Talk to the TA
Karla leaned forward, raising a hand to brush a lock of Kaylin's hair away back from her face.
"Don't be so willing to throw your life away to do this. Death is only acceptable as a last resort. Otherwise you owe it to those girls to survive and make sure justice comes to anyone who would do that to innocent children. If you go against him with anything less than the deck stacked entirely in your favor, you're doing them a disservice."
Re: Talk to the TA
[Now I want Karla to be there when Kaylin tries to kill Severn (twice) and then decides not to! And/or when she finds out why Severn killed the girls.]