How to Totally Be a Spy, For Real (We Mean It) [Friday, Period 1]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

Why did Pam and Cheryl keep signing up to teach classes? At least with Pam, it was so she could get paid. Look, teachers might not make much here, but it wasn’t like ISIS was handing out the big money, either.

The better question was, why did Fandom keep hiring on Pam and Cheryl to teach? It wasn’t like their students were learning anything, besides “how not to act in front of students” or “how to be a complete fucking crazy person.”



"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" That was the noise students would hear as they filed in today, just Cheryl whining endlessly on that one word.

She did eventually pause to take a breath, which she then used to continue to bitch at Pam. "Why are we still here? I'm going to be here for Black Friday this year, do you realize that? Do you even know what kind of parties I'll be missing?" Because of course Cheryl went to weird, obscure, super-exclusive Black Friday parties. "Like, it don't matter what the weather is going to be on November 28 this year, Pam, because there'll be snow regardless. Those kinds of parties. Parties with cocaine."

Welcome to class, everyone!

“Will you quit your bitching already?!” Pam huffed. “I don’t give a shit what parties you’re missing! You never invite me, anyway!” And Pam loved a good party, you guys. Especially ones with food. Or drugs. Or orgies. Preferably, all three. “We’re still here because Ms. Archer hates us and I need the money. So let’s teach these miserable little shitstains how to be spies already so I can collect my paycheck and get out of here!”

Teaching was a really inspiring profession. Hopefully you felt motivated to achieve your personal best, today. Achieve those dreams.

"I would invite you if you didn't keep signing us up to be stupid-ass lame teachers," Cheryl lied, blatantly. Pam could never come to one of her super-weird parties for millionaires, obviously. She'd probably try to eat all the caviar and refuse to wear her sex-mask.

She turned her attention to the students, sighing heavily at how much she didn't want to talk to them. "Hi, welcome to whatever the fuck Pam named this, I'm Cheryl, that's Pam, if you fuck with our drugs, we'll make you babysit my ocelot."

She looked back to Pam, adding, "Did I cover all the class rules?"

“No fat jokes,” Pam said. That class rule wasn’t going to hold until the end of lecture. “And it’s a spy class, numbnuts. I told you that and you were all,” and now, please enjoy Pam doing her best Cheryl impression, “‘that’s a stupid topic, we’re not even spies, I’m a spoiled rich whore who likes burning other people’s shit after her ocelot pees on all of it.’”

Paraphrasing.

"If you stopped leaving your shit around for Babou to pee on, then he wouldn't," Cheryl snapped, because hanging your stuff up in a closet like Pam did was just asking for an ocelot to piss all over it, obviously. "And I don't sound like that!"

No, she was actually somehow more shrill.

“No, ‘cause it’s hard to enunciate around the dick in your mouth!” Pam shot back. Look, she was super-grumpy about Babou peeing on her weed stash, okay? Her mellow was seriously harshed. “Hey, kids, now you get to tell us why you signed up to a class about being spies, even though you’re all gonna be accountants and janitors and other boring shit. You know, a real spy wouldn’t actually have signed up for the class.”

"God, I wish that was why I wasn't enunciating."

Yep, Cheryl was still back there, on that.

"Oh, right. Anyway -- uh, right. Real spies wouldn't sign up for a spying class, dipshits, so you all failed the first day. So here's your chance to redeem yourselves: what's your cover story? Why are you here? And if you say 'to learn how to be a spy,' then you're dumber than we even thought."

And they already thought you guys were really dumb, okay.

[lots of swearing and drug references, guys! maybe don't read this one at work!]

Comments

Sign in [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

Like a sneaky, sneaky spy.

Re: Sign in [08/29]

[giveherahand]

Mara Jade, really, really regretting her life.

Re: Sign in [08/29]

[notaweenie.livejournal.com]

Barry Ween

In disguise.

Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

Welcome. It's like this every week. Joker and Barry probably brought popcorn.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[notaweenie.livejournal.com]

Damn right he brought popcorn. Big fucking bucket.

And he was sitting in the back of class enjoying the shitshow that was Cheryl and Pam.

Seriously. This was better than Sharknado.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[giveherahand]

"What is this?" Mara hissed at her big brother.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[seveninchmotto]

Isabelle was so confused.

This was what she got for picking her classes at random since getting a balanced education wasn't exactly high up on her list of priorities.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[notaweenie.livejournal.com]

Barry offered her popcorn.

"It's just best to sit back and let them tear into each other."

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[theheadkid.livejournal.com]

After awhile of just staring, Travis started to laugh. Look, it was either that or wonder if his sanity was slowly slipping away. So, laughing. Much better option.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Nah, Joker wasn't munchy today. What he was doing was playing Pam & Cheryl Bingo. He'd laid out the holographic board on the surface of his desk, instead of in the air in front of him, so the glow from it wouldn't be too distracting.

With squares like "ocelot", "drugs", "weed", "meds", "fat jokes", "sex", and "Cheryl's money", he covered the whole board in a matter of minutes... so, less fun than he thought it would be. Ah, well.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[notaweenie.livejournal.com]

"You don't have anything about screaming about her supervisor" Barry noted looking over Joker's shoulder.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[poison-princess.livejournal.com]

What. The. Everliving. Fuck.

Re: Listen to...them yell at each other and eventually get to the point [08/29]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

A new student freaking out! That was the last square! Joker's bingo card was now, officially, completely full. He gave Evie a big grin and a thumbs-up.

Introductions! [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

Name, class if you feel like giving it, what's your spy cover story for being in this class?

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[notaweenie.livejournal.com]

Barry sighed dramatically.

"Fine. You guys got me. I'm Barry Ween and I'm with the NSA. I've been tasked to come into school undercover and keep track of you two. Both of you and Mr. Archer have been deemed a security threat. I'm really 25 years old but I look really young."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Archer's not a security threat. Unless you're worried about catching something from him. Ugh, gross -- hey, pro-tip, ladies of the class? If you ever meet a guy named Sterling Archer, make him wrap that shit up, because he has stuck it in all kinds of places."

It was amazing -- amazing -- how that was what Cheryl was going to zone in on. She wouldn't be surprised if the NSA stuff was actually true, too.

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[giveherahand]

Heads were going to roll for the person who'd signed her up for this class.

It had probably been Vader. Vader was such a barve.

"I'm Jade," Mara said, "and I'm here to seek revenge for my father's murder by a man in black."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[theheadkid.livejournal.com]

"Uh, I'm -- " Quick thinking was not really with Travis right now. " -- Hatton."

Good show there.

"I'm a junior, I think, but my real job with top secret black ops with the...well, I can't tell you that. Let's just say I'm here to probe for the existence of otherworldly beings that might exist on this island."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[seveninchmotto]

"Isabelle Lightwood, senior. And I'm just a normal student."

A perfect cover for a Shadowhunter, really, because there was very little that was normal about her.

"I thought the spying would be metaphorical."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"My name is Eustace Buntwood," Joker told them. "I'm in the fourth grade, and I'm here because..." He looked around furtively, and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'm not actually a spy."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[not_every_mage]

"I'm, er ... Oskar," Anders blurted. (It had been his grandfather's name.) "And I have no idea why I'm here. There must have been some mistake."

Re: Introductions! [08/29]

[poison-princess.livejournal.com]

"I'm--I'm--I'm--" Evie was at a loss for words is what she was.

Talk to Cheryl and Pam [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

If you must.

OOC [08/29]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how as I've gotten older, I have complete inverse reactions to "School's out for the summer!" and "Awww, back to school time."

(Which is to say that I got nine hours of sleep last night and I get four much-needed days off in a row, this weekend. GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND STAY THERE, WEE ONES.)

Re: OOC [08/29]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

I had to dig out this commercial.

WATCH IT IMMEDIATELY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto)