fandomhigh | The Class Where We Pretend Pam and Cheryl Are Teaching You About Careers, Friday

Today, class was once again meeting in the weird head-fucky place that normal teachers just called the Danger Shop. And the ~~weird hea-~~ Danger Shop was made up to look like the enormous lawn of a gigantic estate. The mansion was way off in the distance; you people were cluttered around a garden, and probably squinting at all of that super-bright sunlight. Realism, yay!

On two lounge chairs under a gigantic beach umbrella you would find the two most unqualified teachers on the entire Eastern seaboard, wearing sunglasses and sipping lemonade.

“We should have brought a fan out here,” Pam opined. Exactly where were you going to plug it in, Pam?

"If one of you little jackasses is worried about your grade or something, you can fan us," Cheryl decided, turning to the class. "Also hi. It's gardening season or whatever, right? You plant things in the spring?"

Yes, Cheryl, welcome to the idea of seasons. Everyone else's been here since about first grade.

"Anyway. Anyone can garden, as long as you can wear denim well." Because that was a main requirement for most things.

“Oooooh, those overalls,” Pam sighed. “Gardening’s, like, super popular among illegal Mexicans. You don’t need to habla ingles well in order to pull weeds.”

Congratulations, Pam, on completely ignoring the many real concerns about the plight of undocumented workers, and bypassing those in favor of good ol’ racism!

“And that’s what you’re doing today!” Pam continued, brightly. “Pulling weeds, I mean. Not hablaing ingles. You can talk whatever you want while you do it, but get some overalls on and get to pullin’, because those weeds aren’t gonna yank themselves out.”

"And more extra credit," Cheryl added, grandly gesturing to a row of bushes, "if you make topiaries while you're out there. Person who makes me laugh the hardest gets an A for today."

Like they were graded. Ever. On anything.

“And don’t forget to bring me refills on this lemonade,” Pam said, rattling her glass. “‘Cause I’m not getting up from this chair for jack shit.”

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Loving the sunshine.

Edited 2014-06-06 05:21 (UTC)

Barry Ween

Anders

Joker Moreau

Now would be a good time to be sad that you didn't wear sunglasses.

There are denim overalls in all kinds of sizes ... and white tees you can wear underneath if you're not man (or woman) enough to rock the au natural look. (See icon.)

So change, and then start pulling up weeds. Or pull up flowers. Or refill Pam and Cheryl's lemonade glasses. Or fan them, if you happen to have a big oversize fan. Maybe feed one of them grapes, if you brought some along.

You know. Typical class activities, really.

Joker was so not weeding. Even if getting down on his hands and knees had been a good, non-bone-threatening idea, he still wouldn't be weeding.

There were overalls to change into, and Joker was so not doing that, either. He took a small pair and tied the straps around his neck like it was a cape. "I am... SUPER GARDENER!" he announced.

There are a number of large shrubs and bushes off to the side. There are also a number of chainsaws*. Grab a chainsaw and make some art. Make a swan, or a scarecrow, or a -- who are we kidding, someone's gonna make a penis.

What? Go right on ahead. Make a penis. Pam and Cheryl will probably just think it's funny, anyway.

*The chainsaws are Danger Shop chainsaws, which means they'll slice through bushes and shrubs just fine, but any attempts to remove your or someone else's limbs or heads will fail miserably. Let's assume that's a standard Danger Shop failsafe, not that Pam and Cheryl were smart enough to think to program that in.

After making a penis topiary or two Barry went on to make a topiary of the ~~meta for~~ Millenium Falcon.

What?

"You know, if you trim that back, it'll make it look bigger."

Thanks Cheryl.

(She wasn't talking about the spaceship, no.)

"I hope that third one's not supposed to be a dick," Pam announced. "'Cause if your junk looks like that, you should see a doctor."

Joker took a chainsaw and did his best to use it on a shrub. He tucked both crutches into his armpits so he could have two hands free... but it just was too awkward to get anything done that way. He ended up with the chainsaw's teeth binding in a thick-ish branch, and so he just left it there, idling, in the midst of the foliage.

Inspiration struck. He took another chainsaw, unscrewed the cap of the fuel tank, and dumped the gas on the idling chainsaw and the branches around it. And then he stepped way the hell back.

It didn't take long for the idling engine to ignite the gas, and WHOOMPH! the shrubbery was ablaze.

"I call it 'The Persistence of Frustration'," Joker announced proudly.

"Oh, man, you and Crazy ought to form an arson club," Pam said brightly.

Yes. Clubs for illegal and dangerous activities usually ended well.

"Oh, I'm not an arsonist in real life," Joker explained. "Only when I'm trying to impress a teacher."

If by "talk" you mean "fan," or "refill the lemonade glasses of."

Or, fine, talk to them. Just don't expect them to give two shits. Because they don't.

"Hey oh might and powerful teachers," Barry said with just a trace of sarcasm. "Can I skip the weeding part and just fan you?"

Because that was totally better than weeding.

"You can do both," Cheryl said generously. "Weeds ain't gonna weed themselves, after all."

They were virtual weeds, so who cared, but still.

"Did you bring a fan?" Pam asked. "It's like stupidly hot out here. Why didn't we program in more of a breeze?"

They were lucky any of what they programmed in worked. It was astonishing you guys weren't on Mars, breathing in sulfur or whatever the fuck was on the surface of Mars.

IDEK. Class writes itself, guys.

The Class Where We Pretend Pam and Cheryl Are Teaching You About Careers, Friday

Sign In [6-6]

Re: Sign In [6-6]

Re: Sign In [6-6]

Re: Sign In [6-6]

During the ... Bit Where They Talk [6-6]

Change Into Overalls and Get Weeding [6-6]

Re: Change Into Overalls and Get Weeding [6-6]

Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Re: Extra Credit: Topiaries [6-6]

Talk to Pam and Cheryl [6-6]

Re: Talk to Pam and Cheryl [6-6]

Re: Talk to Pam and Cheryl [6-6]

Re: Talk to Pam and Cheryl [6-6]

OOC [6-6]