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fandomhigh2014-02-14 04:02 am
holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2014-02-14 04:02 am
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The Modern Workplace and You: Friday, Period 1
As the students were filing into class, today, Cheryl was throwing...condoms into the air. Yes. Condoms. Like confetti.
"Happy Valentine's Day!" she chirped at them. "It's a day for expressing your love for other people, or your loneliness by buying some time with a hooker. Either way, don't get chlamydia or anything because you'd probably die and then our class roster'll look weird."
Like Cupid, this one.
"Anyway, today we're talking about looooooove, since it's the season for it and all. And by love, I mean seducing your coworkers for your own personal gain."
“Which is really easy!” Pam chirped helpfully. “Especially if you work in HR. HR means you get to go through everybody’s files, for important reasons like knowing whether or not someone has herpes. Which is a good thing to know before you start banging.”
Hello? Dealbreaker.
"Right," Cheryl added. "Except there's no way to know if your boss' son is going to demand that you do an -- you do something you're not comfortable with with him, and then throw your clothes off the balcony. Again."
Cheryl, it was your fault for going back for seconds. And thirds. Come on.
“He threw your clothes off the balcony?” Pam asked. “Eh, figures. So here’s the thing. Everyone has insecurities and weird issues. Say they just got breast cancer, or they’re not getting paid enough, or their girlfriend is cheating. You can offer a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear, or a revenge fuck. Different strategies will work on different employees!”
"Why not all three?" Cheryl suggested. "Or sometimes, you can be distraction sex. You know, if someone's trying to find a KGB operative and you accidentally told them where they live or something."
Not that she'd done that.
"Anyway. Seducing your coworkers is tricky because, like, these are the people you see all the time. Total double-edged sword -- yay, you'll see them tomorrow...but...you know, you'll see them tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. Banging in the breakroom is only fun as long as they're not being, like...clingy."
Cyril.
It didn’t really count as clingy if you had to blackmail them into sex in the first place, did it?
“So keep in mind that whoever you seduce, you're gonna have to put up with later,” Pam said. “Even when they get needy. Anyway. Pair off and try to use the other person’s obvious psychological issues in order to trick ‘em into sex. Not here or anything. If you’re gonna bang, you should do it later.”
"We don't want to watch," Cheryl said, making a face. "Use protection though, for reals. If you don't catch something, you might get a kid. Even worse."
Oh, Cheryl. You prophet.
"Happy Valentine's Day!" she chirped at them. "It's a day for expressing your love for other people, or your loneliness by buying some time with a hooker. Either way, don't get chlamydia or anything because you'd probably die and then our class roster'll look weird."
Like Cupid, this one.
"Anyway, today we're talking about looooooove, since it's the season for it and all. And by love, I mean seducing your coworkers for your own personal gain."
“Which is really easy!” Pam chirped helpfully. “Especially if you work in HR. HR means you get to go through everybody’s files, for important reasons like knowing whether or not someone has herpes. Which is a good thing to know before you start banging.”
Hello? Dealbreaker.
"Right," Cheryl added. "Except there's no way to know if your boss' son is going to demand that you do an -- you do something you're not comfortable with with him, and then throw your clothes off the balcony. Again."
Cheryl, it was your fault for going back for seconds. And thirds. Come on.
“He threw your clothes off the balcony?” Pam asked. “Eh, figures. So here’s the thing. Everyone has insecurities and weird issues. Say they just got breast cancer, or they’re not getting paid enough, or their girlfriend is cheating. You can offer a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear, or a revenge fuck. Different strategies will work on different employees!”
"Why not all three?" Cheryl suggested. "Or sometimes, you can be distraction sex. You know, if someone's trying to find a KGB operative and you accidentally told them where they live or something."
Not that she'd done that.
"Anyway. Seducing your coworkers is tricky because, like, these are the people you see all the time. Total double-edged sword -- yay, you'll see them tomorrow...but...you know, you'll see them tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. Banging in the breakroom is only fun as long as they're not being, like...clingy."
Cyril.
It didn’t really count as clingy if you had to blackmail them into sex in the first place, did it?
“So keep in mind that whoever you seduce, you're gonna have to put up with later,” Pam said. “Even when they get needy. Anyway. Pair off and try to use the other person’s obvious psychological issues in order to trick ‘em into sex. Not here or anything. If you’re gonna bang, you should do it later.”
"We don't want to watch," Cheryl said, making a face. "Use protection though, for reals. If you don't catch something, you might get a kid. Even worse."
Oh, Cheryl. You prophet.
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