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fandomhigh2014-01-31 10:29 am
notmysupervisor.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2014-01-31 10:29 am
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The Modern Workplace and You [Friday, Period 1]
“Okay, class,” Pam said brightly. “Today we’re going to talk about a subject that is near and dear to my heart: creative problem solving. When you’re a Human Resources representative, you need to deal with all sorts of difficulties that might arise in the workplace environment, and it’s your job to be sure that the conflicts are settled in the most amicable and nonconfrontational way possible.”
Could you tell that Pam loved buzzwords? She did. She really, really did.
"Because usually it's not the person being accused's fault," Carol pointed out helpfully. "It's just that someone decided all of a sudden that being told they have enormous oven mitts for hands is a thing they should take to HR so Pam can salivate all over them. God, Lana, it was a compliment."
Because that was probably the HR complaint Carol should worry about. Not any of the numerous destruction-related ones.
“She’s so touchy about the hands,” Pam agreed with a sigh. Gigantic hands were a total turn-on for her. But then, so was everything else. “So sometimes you get people coming to HR to complain about getting compliments, or about Mr. Archer sexually harassing them again, or about someone making porn on official work equipment,” which, seriously, Ms. Archer got so snippy about, “and you have to take all of them really seriously or people can sue the company, like it’s ISIS’s fault that Archer can’t keep it in his pants.”
It was called a ‘hostile work environment,’ Pam.
"And if you get brought in," Carol added, "you have to like, act normal about it. And if someone else goes in and doesn't act normal about it, you have to be really quiet when you're laughing while watching them hit Pam with a puppet or whatever."
She slanted a look over, giggled, and added, "Sorry."
“It was my dolphin puppet,” Pam said, icily, “and just because his mother owns the company makes Archer think he can do whatever he likes.”
Well, he could. And did. So … got it in one, Pam.
“Speaking of puppets,” she said, in a much brighter tone. She produced one with no small amount of fanfare. “Meet Li’l Pammy! Li’l Pammy is very useful for facilitating awkward conversations.” Li’l Pammy was now addressing Carol. “Good afternoon, Carol. What brings you to HR today?”
"I got reported for setting something on fire, probably," Carol said, producing a nail file and proceeding to find that way more interesting than this hypothetical HR meeting.
“Well, Carol,” replied Li’l Pammy, in the sort of syrupy voice that implied she was speaking to a small child, “the problem here is that your co-workers like their desks, and their knick-knacks, and even their trash cans. And when you set those things on fire, you are showing a disrespect for them and for their individuality. Do you understand?”
"But what about my individuality?" Carol whined. "But fine, Li'l Pammy, in the name of getting through this -- fine. I won't set anyone else's stuff on fire and instead I'll express my individuality and creativity by setting unclaimed dumpsters on fire instead."
She looked up from filing her nails and rolled her eyes. "See how moronically easy that was?"
Li’l Pammy was being clenched in one of Pam’s fists, now. “You’re not even gonna try to take this seriously, are you?” Pam snapped. “I even went with the arson thing, and you can’t let me do one simple --”
"LET'S JUST WATCH THE STUPID MOVIE!!!" Carol shrieked, flinging her nail file to the floor.
“FINE!” Pam screamed. “I give up! Whatever! I got one of ISIS’s internal HR movies about conflict resolution, and you’re all going to watch it, and you’re going to like it!”
And when the screen lit up with the movie, that was when Carol's voice drifted in. "Um, yeah, so about that...I kind of switched movies."
She stood by it.
Could you tell that Pam loved buzzwords? She did. She really, really did.
"Because usually it's not the person being accused's fault," Carol pointed out helpfully. "It's just that someone decided all of a sudden that being told they have enormous oven mitts for hands is a thing they should take to HR so Pam can salivate all over them. God, Lana, it was a compliment."
Because that was probably the HR complaint Carol should worry about. Not any of the numerous destruction-related ones.
“She’s so touchy about the hands,” Pam agreed with a sigh. Gigantic hands were a total turn-on for her. But then, so was everything else. “So sometimes you get people coming to HR to complain about getting compliments, or about Mr. Archer sexually harassing them again, or about someone making porn on official work equipment,” which, seriously, Ms. Archer got so snippy about, “and you have to take all of them really seriously or people can sue the company, like it’s ISIS’s fault that Archer can’t keep it in his pants.”
It was called a ‘hostile work environment,’ Pam.
"And if you get brought in," Carol added, "you have to like, act normal about it. And if someone else goes in and doesn't act normal about it, you have to be really quiet when you're laughing while watching them hit Pam with a puppet or whatever."
She slanted a look over, giggled, and added, "Sorry."
“It was my dolphin puppet,” Pam said, icily, “and just because his mother owns the company makes Archer think he can do whatever he likes.”
Well, he could. And did. So … got it in one, Pam.
“Speaking of puppets,” she said, in a much brighter tone. She produced one with no small amount of fanfare. “Meet Li’l Pammy! Li’l Pammy is very useful for facilitating awkward conversations.” Li’l Pammy was now addressing Carol. “Good afternoon, Carol. What brings you to HR today?”
"I got reported for setting something on fire, probably," Carol said, producing a nail file and proceeding to find that way more interesting than this hypothetical HR meeting.
“Well, Carol,” replied Li’l Pammy, in the sort of syrupy voice that implied she was speaking to a small child, “the problem here is that your co-workers like their desks, and their knick-knacks, and even their trash cans. And when you set those things on fire, you are showing a disrespect for them and for their individuality. Do you understand?”
"But what about my individuality?" Carol whined. "But fine, Li'l Pammy, in the name of getting through this -- fine. I won't set anyone else's stuff on fire and instead I'll express my individuality and creativity by setting unclaimed dumpsters on fire instead."
She looked up from filing her nails and rolled her eyes. "See how moronically easy that was?"
Li’l Pammy was being clenched in one of Pam’s fists, now. “You’re not even gonna try to take this seriously, are you?” Pam snapped. “I even went with the arson thing, and you can’t let me do one simple --”
"LET'S JUST WATCH THE STUPID MOVIE!!!" Carol shrieked, flinging her nail file to the floor.
“FINE!” Pam screamed. “I give up! Whatever! I got one of ISIS’s internal HR movies about conflict resolution, and you’re all going to watch it, and you’re going to like it!”
And when the screen lit up with the movie, that was when Carol's voice drifted in. "Um, yeah, so about that...I kind of switched movies."
She stood by it.
Re: Talk to Carol and Pam [1/31]