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fandomhigh2012-05-21 12:41 pm
scary-jeff.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2012-05-21 12:41 pm
Entry tags:
Relationship Ed, Monday
"So you've said hello and you've done the NAT thing and everything," Jeff began, "and then things start moving along, you know? Like it's an actual relationship and the girl-- or boy-- actually really likes you. And it seems like bliss, you know? Someone has actively passed you the keys to paradise." He gestured to make this clear. "And you're ready. You're really really ready. But!"
He slammed his hands down on the desk.
"There's the elephant in the room, isn't there?" he said. "There's always going to be an elephant. Staring at you. Waving around its voyeuristic trunk of life-destruction."
Yes, he was illustrating that with his hands, too.
"Because see, at the beginning, at the very start, you were so nervous, you told this one terrible lie. This one horrible, wretched thing that is now devouring you from both ends and fusing your poor pants to your valuables!"
Getting a bit too graphic now, Jeffrey.
"And you know you can't have sex with her or she'll find out what's going on in your drawers and she'll run really fast and leave you alone again, but you can't not have sex with her either because she's your girlfriend, but she doesn't know yet, so she's like, she's, like--" His voice was starting to go shrill, "Schroedinger's girlfriend!"
He made a little choking noise.
"What do you do?" he declared to the class. "What. Do you. Do?!"
There was a long silence.
Which grew longer. And longer. And longer.
Okay, so maybe Jeff didn't have an answer to that.
Finally, he just produced a very large glass jar with a lot of notes in it and gestured at it. He was clearly having trouble speaking, but surely they could divine the meaning of this test now, right?
You've accidentally told your girl- or boyfriend:
Yeah.
He slammed his hands down on the desk.
"There's the elephant in the room, isn't there?" he said. "There's always going to be an elephant. Staring at you. Waving around its voyeuristic trunk of life-destruction."
Yes, he was illustrating that with his hands, too.
"Because see, at the beginning, at the very start, you were so nervous, you told this one terrible lie. This one horrible, wretched thing that is now devouring you from both ends and fusing your poor pants to your valuables!"
Getting a bit too graphic now, Jeffrey.
"And you know you can't have sex with her or she'll find out what's going on in your drawers and she'll run really fast and leave you alone again, but you can't not have sex with her either because she's your girlfriend, but she doesn't know yet, so she's like, she's, like--" His voice was starting to go shrill, "Schroedinger's girlfriend!"
He made a little choking noise.
"What do you do?" he declared to the class. "What. Do you. Do?!"
There was a long silence.
Which grew longer. And longer. And longer.
Okay, so maybe Jeff didn't have an answer to that.
Finally, he just produced a very large glass jar with a lot of notes in it and gestured at it. He was clearly having trouble speaking, but surely they could divine the meaning of this test now, right?
You've accidentally told your girl- or boyfriend:
- you suffer from a rare African disease that makes parts of your body go green when you're excited.
- you have a glass eye and you can't keep it in for too long a stretch every day so you take it out at night.
- you were born with a vestigial twin attached to your tailbone.
- you once had a lobster in your pants and it did some damage.
- you have a wooden leg.
- you're a war veteran with a lot of scars.
- you just had your appendix taken out.
- you're not sure what kind of genitals you have.
- all your hair migrated from your head to your pants.
- you have no pubic hair.
Yeah.
Re: Pick One Or More And... Uh...
Or rather, he pondered the way his life usually went, plus this information, and came up with, "But what if you said it was experimental appendix surgery? Or she doesn't know there isn't any more scarring and she checks and doesn't believe you when you try to explain it?"
Re: Pick One Or More And... Uh...
Re: Pick One Or More And... Uh...
Well, as sensibly as one could talk about the sort of situation only he could wind up in.
Re: Pick One Or More And... Uh...
People did it all the time on TV!