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fandomhigh2012-04-04 10:31 am
multi-madrox.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2012-04-04 10:31 am
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Madrox and Murdock talk to Kids About Sex
"Good morning," Jamie said cheerfully as the students walked into the room. "In light of the annual invasion of kidlings on our island, Jeff and I thought it would be appropriate to talk about alternative forms of birth control. Granted, Mr. Rogers probably covered some more of the-"
Cue finger quotes. Yes. Jamie is using finger quotes. Get over it.
"Mainstream versions of birth control but I think everyone here knows that often times that's probably not going to work out for you. Plus knowing Mr. Rogers it was probably all about abstinence and if you think he never had sex before marriage well... Okay, I probably don't want to think about that. Anyhow! Alternative forms of birth control! I think Jeff has a good one to start off with. Jeff?"
"Um."
Somehow being asked to talk about his life's worst miseries was not as bad as actually having to do so. "There are... ways," Jeff said gravely. "They are... they are terrible ways." He took a moment to compose himself. "Oh god," he added, "This one is so awful!"
Okay, so maybe that composing himself had been a failure.
He took a step closer to the class. His lip trembled. His hand shook.
"You could... tell someone you've got a wooden leg!" Oh god. The terror!
"Which... could be a turn off. Or you could actually have a kid," Jamie contributed. "Only to find out it was a kid but actually a duplicate who you then absorbed back into yourself which prompts the birth mother to break your fingers and beat the crap out of you."
Jamie paused for a moment and realized that maybe spending a lot of time with Jeff was rubbing off on him somehow.
"The moral being that once you have that happened to you the libido takes a serious hit."
Jeff waved his arms around. "There are a lot of ways not to have babies," he proclaimed. "There's more of them than there are to have babies!" Beat. "I have a list," he added, reaching into his pocket and holding it up. "Insulting mothers," he started. "Insulting fathers. Insulting twin brothers. Insulting twin brothers who are dwarves. Socks. Apples. Not being able to speak Hebrew. Telling someone they look so good, they should be embalmed. Telling someone you've got a girlfriend who is dead. Not accepting the presence of decorative pillows..."
He could go on a bit.
"...Overalls, the color red, pretending to have a baby, pretending to be having a baby--"
Jamie was giving Jeff a funny look. Which really shouldn't be an odd occurrence knowing Jeff. "Did you say embalmed?"
"I was trying to be complimentary," Jeff explained. "But I just said the first thing that came to mind." Beat. "That's also a really good contraceptive."
"Right," Jamie said with a few blinks. "Okay then. So you're assignment today? Come up with some alternative forms of birth control and share them with your fellow students."
Which shouldn't be awkward at all.
"Oh, and never wear melting underwear!" Jeff called. "...Though that might just be a dream I've had."
Jamie opened his mouth to say something... and decided it was best to let that one go. "All right kids! Take a few minutes and let's hear what you come up with."
Cue finger quotes. Yes. Jamie is using finger quotes. Get over it.
"Mainstream versions of birth control but I think everyone here knows that often times that's probably not going to work out for you. Plus knowing Mr. Rogers it was probably all about abstinence and if you think he never had sex before marriage well... Okay, I probably don't want to think about that. Anyhow! Alternative forms of birth control! I think Jeff has a good one to start off with. Jeff?"
"Um."
Somehow being asked to talk about his life's worst miseries was not as bad as actually having to do so. "There are... ways," Jeff said gravely. "They are... they are terrible ways." He took a moment to compose himself. "Oh god," he added, "This one is so awful!"
Okay, so maybe that composing himself had been a failure.
He took a step closer to the class. His lip trembled. His hand shook.
"You could... tell someone you've got a wooden leg!" Oh god. The terror!
"Which... could be a turn off. Or you could actually have a kid," Jamie contributed. "Only to find out it was a kid but actually a duplicate who you then absorbed back into yourself which prompts the birth mother to break your fingers and beat the crap out of you."
Jamie paused for a moment and realized that maybe spending a lot of time with Jeff was rubbing off on him somehow.
"The moral being that once you have that happened to you the libido takes a serious hit."
Jeff waved his arms around. "There are a lot of ways not to have babies," he proclaimed. "There's more of them than there are to have babies!" Beat. "I have a list," he added, reaching into his pocket and holding it up. "Insulting mothers," he started. "Insulting fathers. Insulting twin brothers. Insulting twin brothers who are dwarves. Socks. Apples. Not being able to speak Hebrew. Telling someone they look so good, they should be embalmed. Telling someone you've got a girlfriend who is dead. Not accepting the presence of decorative pillows..."
He could go on a bit.
"...Overalls, the color red, pretending to have a baby, pretending to be having a baby--"
Jamie was giving Jeff a funny look. Which really shouldn't be an odd occurrence knowing Jeff. "Did you say embalmed?"
"I was trying to be complimentary," Jeff explained. "But I just said the first thing that came to mind." Beat. "That's also a really good contraceptive."
"Right," Jamie said with a few blinks. "Okay then. So you're assignment today? Come up with some alternative forms of birth control and share them with your fellow students."
Which shouldn't be awkward at all.
"Oh, and never wear melting underwear!" Jeff called. "...Though that might just be a dream I've had."
Jamie opened his mouth to say something... and decided it was best to let that one go. "All right kids! Take a few minutes and let's hear what you come up with."
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