fandomhigh | Wednesday: What was the school board thinking giving Jamie Madrox a teaching position?

Instead of going to a classroom today, the students were directed to the third floor of the dorms where they would find the hallway teeming with Jamie-Dupes wearing labcoats and goggles. Each one of them had a clipboard, calipers, measuring tape, litmus strips, cotton swabs and all sorts of scientific goodies that they seemed to be using on all of the doorknobs on the third floor.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Jamie said stepping forward and pulling down his goggles. "Today we leave our childhood behind and step into the future. Into the grand thing we know as... SCIENCE!"

If Reed Richards knew what was going to happen next, there would be a lot of weeping for the future.

"It has long been hypothesized that the doors in the dorms have curious properties."

Um. No. They really haven't.

"In fact one might say the doorknobs of these doors... taste like bacon."

Yep. Reed Richards. Big honking tears.

"Your job is to lick these doorknobs and see if they taste like bacon. FOR SCIENCE!"

Don't expect to get a Nobel prize for this one Jamie.

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On the plus side, at least Warren lived on this floor. As of a couple of weeks ago, granted, but at least it meant that he could contemplate licking his own doorknob, instead of someone else's.

Contemplate being the key word, here.

This was so not going to happen.

"All right Warren! It's time to show Hank McCoy how dedicated you are to the scientific method!" Jamie said cheerfully. "And show off your licking skills."

Hank McCoy? The Secretary of Mutant Affairs?

What?

"... How exactly does science benefit from knowing whether or not doorknobs taste like bacon?"

Said in the exact tone of somebody who was already pretty certain that they didn't.

"Well, if doorknobs taste like bacon on this floor we can prevent cases of Trichinosis Spiralis by 99.9 percent!"

No. Not at all, really.

"So we're considering this to be some kind of medical research."

Said the son of the guy who owned a massive pharmaceuticals development and distribution company.

"To prevent parasitic infestation. By licking dirty doorknobs."

"Exactly!"

Jamie was having fun with this. Can you tell?

"Now which doorknob do you want to lick first?"

For a brief moment, Warren contemplated the positives and negatives to telling the teacher that he thought he was a bit of a doorknob, himself.

"Wait, no, before I go ahead and choose," if he had to pick one, obviously it was going to be his own, "what sort of actions will be taken once the actual flavor of the doorknobs is properly determined? Since I hear doorknob roundworm is so... serious, and all."

"Well first my team of scientists are going to make a little check in the ticky box on their clipboards," Jamie said waving his hand over to a team of Jamies in labcoats all poised over their own clipboards staring at tickyboxes and resisting the urge to check them all off.

"Then? We'll give you an A+ for student participation."

Dammit, Madrox. The A+ was probably the most compelling argument you've given yet.

"... Have you done it, yet?"

"Of course!" Jamie said and again referred to the Jamies in their labcoats. "We've done our own empirical study. This is to confirm our previous studies. Unfortunately I cannot reveal the results of those tests until you have completed yours."

After a long, long pause, Warren was squinting down at the knob to room 324 yet again.

"Nobody's licked this one, right?"

This, too, was important scientific research. Like, a lot.

"Nope!"

At least as far as Jamie knew.

Not that he'd admit that.

All the Jamies in the labcoats gave Warren a thumbs up to encourage him.

Sigh. There was really no winning this one. He was hopelessly outnumbered and there was an A+ at stake, here.

It was way against Warren's better judgement, but even if there were weird germs on the knob or something, at least he was the one guy in the class with the healing factor. He'd take one for the team.

Besides, it couldn't be worse than Karla's cookies.

With a final, decisive shrug of his shoulders, he leaned forward and quickly swiped his tongue over the doorknob.

"No," he said, in a tone that suggested that this was damn well going to be the most normal thing in the world, thank you, "this doorknob does not taste like bacon."

In fact, it tasted suspiciously like doorknob.

All the Jamies frowned and in unison make a big checkmark on the clipboard.

"Are you sure?" Jamie asked. "Maybe you should try again."

And once again there were thumbs up of encouragement from the Jamies.

Warren shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. There were only so many times he'd humiliate himself like that, Jamie.

"It wouldn't be a proper test, if I did it again. Now it's got my saliva on it, which obviously alters the taste. The experimental controls are all wrong. Can't do it."

"You could try a different knob?" Jamie asked hopefully.

Warren gave his head a shake. He was going to be stubborn about this, now.

"Nope. Wouldn't work. Now my tongue is carrying the aftertaste of this doorknob in particular. It would skew any future results."

Jamie sighed. "Okay boys. Mark it off."

And in unison the boys with the clipboards check off a tickybox.

A sad, sad tickybox indeed.

Wednesday: What was the school board thinking giving Jamie Madrox a teaching position?

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