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Classrooms Around Campus, All Day Saturday

It was Saturday, and that meant Career Day! Unbeknownst to all the students who had taken the career placement test, Fandom had apparently conspired to place them all in workshops that didn't quite fit the answers they gave for their tests. The island was tricky that way. Not to mention that the workshops that the island had planned were somewhat different from the workshops an ordinary school might offer on Career Day. As in quite a lot different.

So the classrooms all around the school were filled with visitors from off-island and island alike, all of whom had been led to believe that they would be teaching eager-minded groups of students, excited to learn about their prospective careers. This assumption was not necessarily accurate.

[[up early early early for timezones! ~~wait for the OCD or puppies will die.~~ the puppies are safe now.]]

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Dirk Anger stood in full uniform in front of the classroom, LLizard Zoom (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:One_Crazy_MammaJamma.jpg) stick clenched between his teeth.

When it came time, he shut the classroom door, and he locked it.

"There. Now we'll have some peace and quiet. You're here because you want to know about HATE. Well let me tell you something, and that is that I know everything there is to know about hate. I am General Dirk Anger, director of the Highest Anti-Terrorism Effort. I eat lightning for breakfast, and by the middle of the day I am clenching and straining to crap thunder, because lightning does not provide enough fiber for one's diet!"

He adjusted his little techno-monocle and continued.

"H.A.T.E. is the best thing that ever happened to America. We stop the terrorists so that little Johnny can sleep soundly in his bed, knowing that H.A.T.E. is the scariest, most powerful organization on the planet. Once you learn to stop worrying and love the H.A.T.E, everything is just fine."

He leaned in to get a good luck at his audience. "Now you're wondering 'what's the pay like?' 'what are the benefits of joining H.A.T.E.?' 'What can I offer H.A.T.E.?'" He cleared his throat. "Well the answers are crap, crap, and your crappy fleshy bodies, with your eyes and your ears. H.A.T.E. always needs nerds to watch the surveillance equipment. Sexy operatives for undercover operations. Fat, squishy people to absorb bullets on the front lines. Smart, clever people to stand behind the squishy ones when the fights break out!"

He slammed his fist against a desk. "And now you're wondering why anyone would sign up for it. Well I'll tell you why. Because H.A.T.E. has the best drugs. Special life-extending drugs. So when you love H.A.T.E., H.A.T.E. loves you, and you get to live longer. Unless you get yourself killed. Also, we don't require a college degree, don't run a background check, and we pay better than your local burger joint."

"And you get to fight terrorists with the greatest weapons ever devised, that's a perk too. Now who's got the scrotal integrity to pre-enlist today, hmmm? I won't unlock the door until somebody signs up!"

Which would be only be a good threat if the door didn't automatically unlock from the inside. Which it did. So anyone was free to flee whenever they felt the need.

Well, the pay was crap, and the benefits were crap, but even Jono had to admit that the lack of a background check was appealing. Right up there with the lack of a need for a college degree, which he wasn't going to be able to get anyway.

//What are yer policies regarding th'enlisting of mutants?//

Asking questions couldn't hurt, right? Especially since that guy's uniform was way, way cooler than the mustard-and-ketchup uniforms of Generation X.

"Mutants?" For a moment, there is a wide-eyed look on Dirk's face. And then, a grin, "Why didn't you say so in the first place! Who better to form an elite, top of the line anti-terrorism squad? Mutants have the best bits."

//...The best... bits,// Jono echoed, a bit dubiously.

He was trying not to think too hard about the fact that he was asking about a job from a guy who was chewing on a stick.

//You get many mutant recruits, do you?//

"We're... working on it," Dirk said, momentarily wavering. "Hard finding ones that don't think a paycheck conflicts with the morality of do-gooding. They prefer the Avengers or those X-Punk organizations."

//Can't imagine why,// Jono replied, trying not to sound as bemused as he actually was, here. //Though, you have to admit, those X-teams do put forth a commendable effort to reach out to mutants.//

Sometimes aggressively so.

"But they don't offer drugs, which sometimes works in our favor," Dirk pointed out. "Would you like to live for as long as you don't get killed? I have enlistment papers. We wouldn't even make you wear a uniform."

... Oh, don't tempt him, Dirk. Jono was so not a fan of the X-uniforms that he'd seen in the past.

//Tell you what,// he wheedled. //I like to keep my options open, especially so close to graduation. But I'll take a peek at those papers, maybe keep them on hand, and if nothing else comes up, I might even send them in.//

Which, he suspected, was possibly more than the poor bloke had gotten from other mutants in the past.

Indeed, it would be. Until a certain ex-Avenger and ex-X-Force folk would come along.

"Yippee!" Dirk said with a little too much enthusiasm. He grabbed an enlistment form and handed it over. "Don't worry about the fine print too much."

Like the part where if he died in the line of duty, they were allowed to reanimate him as an attack zombie.

"...Is S.H.I.E.L.D. also going to be here?" Oh, Tony. No. Nick Fury had better things to do with his time.

Dirk trembled for a moment, his teeth gritted even tighter against his lizard stick.

"Don't you talk to me about S.H.I.E.L.D!" he said. "You know what a shield is good for? It protects you, except for when it doesn't. H.A.T.E? H.A.T.E. fills you with warmth on a cold day. H.A.T.E. gives you a reason to get up in the morning when you feel so alone that you just want to wear a floral dress and cry yourself to sleep! H.A.T.E. fills your belly so that you don't need food, only biologically designed paste that slowly gives you special attack cancer!"

Tony stared, slowly edging away from the crazy guy. "...right. Hate sure is awesome."

WHERE WERE THE ADULTS?!

"You're damn right it is," Dirk said. "S.H.I.E.L.D turns to us when they run out of options, and don't you forget it."

No, that was 'fired SHIELD agents (and enlistment rejects) turn to HATE when they can't find another job', but close enough.

Emma was just going to stare at the crazy, crazy, repressed little man as if he was speaking ancient Sumerian, which, as far as she was concerned, he was.

"How many drugs are you on right now?"

And how much trouble would she be in if she dropped some in the water supply for some entertainment?

Anger eyed the girl for a moment.

"Many," he replied, as his nostrils twitched.

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Classrooms Around Campus, All Day Saturday

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Re: H.A.T.E for Fun and Profit

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Re: H.A.T.E for Fun and Profit

Re: H.A.T.E for Fun and Profit

Re: H.A.T.E for Fun and Profit