fandomhigh | Library, [01/30]

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Library, [01/30]

Once again, Jonothon was back in the library, doing something that resembled work in the wake of trauma. But, really, when wasn't he traumatized, at least a little bit? The work would do him some good, anyhow. It meant that he would have less time to sit around and mope all over himself, telling himself how much of an idiot he was.

Because that was completely productive behaviour.

No, no, today he was stalking about again, eyebrows furrowed, eyes slightly narrowed, with the occasional curl of smoke making its way up from his wrappings. He was without a jacket entirely, today, because one of his jackets was in a horrible state of affairs, and the other had been a gift from somebody that he wasn't quite ready to face, just yet.

He was distracting himself by looking through the aisles for inspiration on some kind of display to set up, today. Something that had nothing to do with the upcoming holiday.

Maybe music. You could never go wrong with music.

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Jonothon knew that Raven was there before he'd so much as come around the corner to be able to actually spot her. His senses had been on high-alert lately, to say the least, and Raven's psionic signature was... unique. To say the least.

That said, it was possible that he had lingered in the music section perhaps a few moments after he'd realized that she was there before he actually came out to acknowledge her.

He had no idea what he was doing, right now. Besides the obvious, of course, which was 'standing back a bit more than necessary.'

//Afternoon, luv.//

That part, at least, was easy enough.

"Hello, Jono," she said softly, trying to keep herself composed. She'd done enough crying last night.

"I am sorry to bother you," she said, staying by the door. Easier to flee that way, and he wanted her to keep her distance. "I merely wished to ask of you one thing, and then I will leave you be."

//... Ask of me?//

Well, that certainly managed to pique his curiosity, at least.

//What did you come to ask?//

Edited 2011-01-30 20:42 (UTC)

"Everyone has told me I must give you space, and I will do that," Raven said. Much as she hated it. She wanted comfort more than anything, but she'd swallow that to help him.

"But I would like to ask for you to tell me when it will be all right," she went on. "To talk. Privately." She didn't want to broadcast her feelings to the squirrels and the entire school, not now. "Just tell me when. Please."

//Just to... talk?//

Jonothon could talk. That was what happened when words were passed back and forth, usually with some sort of meaning to them, and...

//I... Any time, I suppose?// Of course, he was no good at this talking thing, generally. //Privately? Groovy Tunes has a back room. I still go in Mondays.//

"Wherever you will feel comfortable," Raven said. "I do not wish to cause you any additional distress. Groovy Tunes would be fine. Tomorrow? Or...next week? I will wait however long you need."

She did feel a little heartened. At least he wasn't telling her never or he didn't know when.

Jono normally would say 'I don't know when,' was the thing. But 'back from the dead' was a bit of an extenuating circumstance, and just so long as she agreed to keep her distance, he was willing to at least accept that she was offering him an olive branch, here.

//Tomorrow, then,// he replied, softly. //Tomorrow's good.//

She'd offer a lot more than that if he'd let her.

"Thank you," Raven said. She swiped a finger against the corner of one eye, still fighting to keep her composure. "I appreciate that a great deal. It is more than I expected or deserve."

.... Tears. Those were tears, weren't they? Bloody hell. Girl tears.

And the self-depreciating comments were his job. God, Raven.

//Don't get started on what you think you don't deserve,// he replied, crossing his arms over his chest. //I'm not going to buy it, you know.//

She blinked several times at him, confused. "I do not wish you to buy anything," she said. "After last night, I was afraid you would not wish to speak to me any time soon. And I did not think I deserved to ask for it. Because of...what I did to you."

Misleading him about how serious her struggles with her father were, calling him a monster, manipulating his feelings, trying to destroy the world. He wasn't the monster; she was.

//What you did to me,// Jono echoed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. //Raven, I'm not... Not even angry about most of that.//

Why be mad at her, when he could beat himself up, instead?

Because there were no issues in the world outside of Jonothon's issues, naturally.

Raven took a step away from the door and into the library, then stopped herself. She didn't want to hear him tell her to stay away again. "But it has affected you," she said softly, looking down at the floor. "And I want so much to help heal what I have done to you."

She wouldn't be able to heal herself until she could fix some of the damage she'd caused.

//I just need... time,// Jono replied with a shrug. He opened his eyes, looking at her with nothing but that solid-white, again. He'd been having a hell of a time fighting that back, lately. //Maybe a lot of it.//

No, he had no idea if time was going to do him any good. But it was a nice thought.

//You can't just wave yer hand and take every bit of pain away, Raven. It doesn't work like that.//

"I know," Raven said helplessly. She didn't understand what to do now, if she should run away or try to persist, and part of her almost wished -- selfishly, and not so selfishly -- she had stayed dead. At least then people would be able to mourn and move on without the reminder of her presence. And she wouldn't have this awful pain in her heart. Cowardly, yes, but she'd never been accused of being brave.

"Especially when I am the cause of the pain," she said, brushing away more tears before they could fall. "But if what you need is for me to not be here, then I will do that for you. You do not need to speak to me tomorrow."

She'd probably lose her resolve and try to touch him anyway.

//Raven.// Jono's voice was firm, now, even if it was... gentle, more or less, for Jono. //If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were more bent on running from this than I am.//

Which... considering that this as Jono, was possibly the weirdest thing ever.

//I said we could talk tomorrow. We'll bloody well talk tomorrow, or I'll assume that you don't actually want to, and yer going through th'motions now to try to... assuage yer guilt, or something.//

Which... it could be. And he wouldn't judge if it was. But he was beginning to feel a bit dazed, trying to stand four steps away and insisting that he still wanted something to do with her while she cried, always an arm's length out of reach.

His own fault, too, of course.

Guilt briefly flashed across her face. She didn't want to make anyone angry with her about thinking about running, but she couldn't deny that it had crossed her mind.

"No, I do wish to," she said. More than just about anything. "I just...I want to...I do not...." She couldn't even put it into words. She wanted to hold him and love him and reassure him that things would be better, and be reassured in turn.

"I am sorry," she said, trying to fall back on her Azarathian upbringing and rein in her emotions before they got further out of control. She knew she must look pathetic and lost. He wasn't running. She hadn't entirely lost him. She had to cling to that.

Jono's gaze dropped to the floor. He had always been shite at relationships, true, but at least this one time, he knew what it was that he needed to do.

And there he stood, too terrified of himself to even twitch in her direction.

//I could have hurt anybody,// he said, finally. //I nearly killed somebody before, who tried to kiss me. I'd panicked. This isn't... It's not yer fault, Raven. I just need space. Very... very literal space.//

From about right here to right there. Until he could trust himself again.

"I do not know what that means!" Raven said, voice cracking as it finally gave way to her frustration. "Everyone keeps telling me that, but I do not know what it means I should do! Please, tell me what you want me to do! It sounds as if you wish me to stay away, but then you say that is not what you want. You will talk to me, but do I have to stay on the other side of the room? Can I even hold your hand?"

She stopped trying to hide her tears now. It wasn't possible anymore. She was tempted to just run away and come to him in a dream later, because maybe if she could show him there that he wasn't a danger then he would believe her.

Yep. There were the girl-tears, and there went Jono's heart, breaking a little more. He couldn't even look up now, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around himself.

//I don't know,// he said, tiredly. //Raven, I just... I'm trying. I'm barely holding myself in, lately. What I am is too much for me. Too much for anybody, and I just...//

He shrugged a little, closing his hands over his arms.

//I'm still hurting you.//

It didn't matter what he did. He was always hurting somebody.

"Very well," Raven said wearily. If he couldn't tell her what he wanted, how was she supposed to know? She wanted to do the right thing but right now she was flailing blindly and terrified she would make a mistake and scare Jono off even more.

She sniffled and wiped her eyes. So much for controlling her emotions. Her shields were still practically non-existent, and keeping other's emotions out as well as controlling her own was almost too much to handle. "I will go now," she said. "And let you return to your duties. I will speak to you tomorrow."

She wanted so much to close the distance between them and throw her arms around him, but she held herself back. She didn't refrain, however, from sending him a wave of love and warmth. You are not alone. You are never alone.

Jono nodded faintly, lingering on that feeling for a moment. Trying to cling to that in the face of the surge of guilt that was rising up in his chest again.

He'd never been so great at shielding, no, but there was some sort of effort being put into not letting that guilt billow out in her direction, right now.

//Tomorrow,// he agreed, quietly. //Maybe this will... go better tomorrow.//

"It will," Raven said firmly, managing a hint of a smile. "It has to."

And then she was gone.

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Library, [01/30]

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