fandomhigh | Library [08.01]

//You did keep it,// he replied, some of his old stubbornness oozing back into his tone. //You said you'd heal me, Raven. You did. I spent an afternoon doing things I thought I'd never do again, with people I ached to do them with.//

He needed a moment, then, perhaps just to remember that one first breath, to picture drawing another one in right now.

//It didn't stay. But you kept your word. I'm disappointed in myself.//

"Why should you be disappointed in yourself?" Raven asked. She hoped it wasn't for trusting her, but it didn't seem like that was what he meant. "You did nothing wrong."

//I knew it couldn't last,// he said, simply. //I just... I told myself that we could make it work, that I just had to try harder. But this,// he waved one hand vaguely in front of his chest, //it's too bloody much. I can barely keep it in check when it's spillin' out all over. I'm not strong enough. Not to be whole.//

"I would do anything to be able to truly heal you," Raven said. She dropped her gaze and stared down at the floor. "I am sorry I was not strong enough. I am sorry I gave you false hope. And I am sorry I made you suffer that pain again." She'd felt it all when he had exploded again, and she didn't know how he'd been able to survive that -- twice.

//You offered, I accepted.// He hesitated for a moment, and then he stood and made his way over to her, reaching a hand toward her shoulder. //I accepted. You didn't force me into anything. And don't tell me that healing me was anything shy of feelin' like a trip through hell. If anything, I should be th'one with the apologies, Raven. Not you.//

The healing had come close to doing serious damage to her. It probably would have killed her if he and Didi hadn't stopped her when she'd tried to take every last bit of psionic energy into her body. But then Jono might still be whole.

"It was difficult," she admitted, her fears that he would hate her for her failure relieved at his touch. "But it was worth it, to see you smile again." She just wished it could've been longer.

//Almost wish I could've seen it,// Jono mused. //Never did think to look into a mirror the entire time.//

There had been very important Didis to kiss and strawberries to eat and songs to sing loudly and obnoxiously.

"Is there anything I can do for you now?" Raven asked. Or tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week. That wasn't just her guilt talking, that was just...Raven.

//Right now? This very minute?//

Raven asked difficult questions, damn it.

//I'm not entirely certain, to be honest. I'm just sort of here because I refuse to let myself... roll over. Like I'd tried t'do in th'woods.//

"I would not have let you do that," Raven said sternly. "Nor would Didi. What I told you then was true." Stepping on Didi's lines and all.

//It felt like it would've been so... easy,// Jono admitted after a long pause. //Like getting up again was suddenly th'most difficult challenge I'd ever face, and so maybe, if I just didn't bother with it...//

He tapered off, furrowing his eyebrows and glaring somewhere in the direction of his own feet.

//I imagine it wouldn't have been minutes before someone decided to drag me out of there anyway, layin' down in th'bloody ashes like that.//

She knew; she'd felt it.

"What happened was difficult for you," she said. Hello, understatement. "It is no wonder that you were overwhelmed. But I also know that you are strong, and even if Didi and I had not been there, you would have stood on your own again."

She had absolute faith in that.

Well, at least she did. Jono was still dubious, at best.

//I don't have to. That's... part of what would have made it so easy. I don't have to eat. I can sleep just as well on th'forest floor as I can in my own bed, th'way I get nightmares. Th'whole island could flood or I could be buried in snow, and I wouldn't drown or suffocate. I can just... stop. Put everything on hold, come back to it when my head's in it again.//

Raven put on her best "bitch, please" look, which, admittedly, wasn't terribly bitchy on anyone else. But for her it was impressive. She reached out and poked Jono in the arm. Hard. Again, hard for her, but she was trying to prove a point. He felt that, didn't he?

"You are not invulnerable," she said. "You can be hurt, I have seen it. So you can suffer the effects of cold or from being in water too long. You can feel pain and discomfort. And you feel love and joy and sorrow just as much as any of us here, and to isolate yourself would be to deny that love and joy and to embrace that sorrow and pain. You will never do such a thing, Jono. I would not allow it."

She wiped an angry hand across her eyes as she finished her speech. Now she really understood it when people said they wouldn't let her run away from Fandom to protect them.

//I know,// he replied, barely an echo of thought, now. //Neither would Didi.//

Or any one of a good many people. It wasn't just possible, it was fact that Jonothon didn't realize exactly how many people cared about him. It was easier not to see it. Less disappointing to just expect everyone to look at you and think of you as a monster.

//And anyhow... They'd probably need me th'next time evil lizards attack, or some such thing.//

"That is not why I wish your presence in my life," Raven said fiercely, still wound up. "You know how I feel about you." She doubted he had forgetten how horribly she'd embarrassed herself when she'd accidentally made people, including him, especially him, fall in love with her. "And I think you know how your other friends feel as well. But if you would like to pretend you do not, then I will happily pull their feelings from their hearts and make you feel them."

It was mostly an empty threat, because she wouldn't be so rude as to do that to others, but on the other hand, she thought there would be several people who would be more than willing to share their feelings that way.

//That... won't be necessary, luv.//

He lifted one hand, ran it through his hair while he squeezed his eyes shut tight, trying to wrap his head around what his 'heart' already knew. For whatever reason, insufferable as he was, people still seemed to want him around. And not for the novelty, or because they knew that he could light their cigarettes for them in a pinch if they lost their lighters.

//I know. And... I don't want to worry people, either.//

Little late for that part, Jonothon.

"That is unavoidable," Raven said, coming down from her tirade now and feeling a little embarrassed about it. "It is something that I once could not believe, either. But coming to this place has taught me much of love and friendship and loyalty."

//Like how the only thing in th'world more stubborn than anybody who thinks they can get along without, would be th'staggering number of people who are hell-bent on seeking out just that sort of person so that they can prove otherwise?//

Hey, that totally counted as an important life lesson.

"Exactly," Raven said, just a little smugly. "So you might as well just accept it. There is nothing you can do about it."

//Well, I suppose that's that, then,// Jono mused, his own mood lifting just slightly at Raven's smug tone. //I'm doomed.//

He didn't seem to mind.

"Blessed," Raven corrected, lifting a hand to try to touch the side of his face, just above the bandages. "Though I know it may not always seem like it, especially at times like these. Please, do not ever doubt it."

He didn't shy away from Raven's hand, today. Didn't so much as wince. After all of that, he'd thought that he wouldn't possibly be able to handle being near people again, but as it turned out, he simply trusted that Raven knew better than most, now, exactly why he tended to shy away from people.

//I'll make a point to keep it in mind,// he replied with a small nod. //Thank you, luv.//

"You are very welcome," Raven said, giving his face a gentle touch with her fingertips, and then withdrawing her hand before she got the urge to try to heal again. "And I am sorry I was so harsh with you. But I will not ever let you forget that there are people here who care very much for you, no matter what."

//Honestly, now. Sometimes I need a good smack in the back of the head.//

Or a stern look and a prod in the arm, as the case might be.

Re: Talk to Jono

trigons_child - 2010-08-02 00:58 (UTC) - Expand