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fandomhigh2010-07-29 01:29 am
licensedtoarch.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2010-07-29 01:29 am
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Arching 101, Thursday, Period Seven
Today, the students had been handwavily notified to meet in the Danger Shop, which was set up to look like an office building. There was an android receptionist behind the desk, there was a line of uncomfortable plastic chairs for them to sit in, and their teachers were standing next to a watercooler arguing about something that sounded like 'Smurf estrus' in hushed tones. As soon as the last student arrived, their broke off their conversation and turned towards their class.
"So far, we've shown you how glamorous the life of a henchperson or supervillain can be," 21 said, sounding completely sincere as he said that. "However, today we have to introduce you to the one of the less truly awesome sides of being involved in the arching business."
"Now we don't mean getting chewed on by cloned were-dinosaurs or watching your fellows get turned in to pupae or getting viciously murdered by Brock Samson," 24 cautioned. "Those things, while bad, are still pretty awesome. Especially the Brock Samson part."
21 nodded vigorously. "Dude, he's, like, amazingly awesome. It's an honor to be killed by him. Seriously." He paused for a moment and then said with exaggerated casualness, "We're cool."
They both looked out at the class, their expressions suggesting they hoped their students realized what a signature honor it was to be taught by henchmen who were cool with Brock Samson.
"Anyway, leaving Brock Samson aside for now--" 24 began.
"He makes a mullet look good," 21 sighed.
"Leaving him aside, I said--" 24 continued, irritated (though willing to concede the mullet point) "--today we're going to discuss the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Established in 1910, the Guild is the largest of all the supervillain organizations; in fact, it's got more members and staff than the The Peril Partnership, the Fraternity of Torment and all unlicensed villains combined. Of course, it also has more rules than all three combined. There's a full rulebook that all members must adhere to and abide by, as well as dues and sponsor-ship fees to pay. What the Guild does is take the applications of those who are looking for licensed aggression and match them up with villains of the appropriate rank and level."
"So why bother with all that?" 21 asked. "Several reasons. First of all, the Guild is a juggernaut. Sure, you could try to arch on your own, but if you begin arching someone who already has a contract with the Guild, they won't hesitate to send someone out to work you over. Plus, they offer insurance to all members, which is good because if a week goes by without your bones being turned into butter or your skin turning inside out, you're not doing your job."
"Also, belonging to the Guild is actually a something of a civic service. They spend a lot of time and effort making sure nemeses are matched correctly. Unlicensed aggression can lead to disregarding of treaties, improperly matched animosity, or inappropriate behavior. Guild certification goes a long way to making someone a name brand villain. With Guild certification comes respect, ladies and gentlemen."
"And street cred!" 21 said. "We totally have street cred!"
"We do!" 24 agreed. "They also provide quality control. No one wants a substandard nemesis, am I right? If the either party fails to provide first-rate, quality menace, the Guild steps in and...takes care of things." The class probably didn't need "dun dun DUN!" that 21 provided, but again, they were Guild henchmen. They went above and beyond.
"Today, we're going to show you the process of applying for Guild membership," 21 said as 24 began handing out clipboards. "As soon as you're done filling out your resume, pass it to Leslie-bot here and pass beyond this door to the shadowy world beyond."
The door being referred to in a dramatic and sepulchral tone of voice as 21 could manage was a plain, faux-wood door. Next to a house plant.
[Wait for OCD up!]
"So far, we've shown you how glamorous the life of a henchperson or supervillain can be," 21 said, sounding completely sincere as he said that. "However, today we have to introduce you to the one of the less truly awesome sides of being involved in the arching business."
"Now we don't mean getting chewed on by cloned were-dinosaurs or watching your fellows get turned in to pupae or getting viciously murdered by Brock Samson," 24 cautioned. "Those things, while bad, are still pretty awesome. Especially the Brock Samson part."
21 nodded vigorously. "Dude, he's, like, amazingly awesome. It's an honor to be killed by him. Seriously." He paused for a moment and then said with exaggerated casualness, "We're cool."
They both looked out at the class, their expressions suggesting they hoped their students realized what a signature honor it was to be taught by henchmen who were cool with Brock Samson.
"Anyway, leaving Brock Samson aside for now--" 24 began.
"He makes a mullet look good," 21 sighed.
"Leaving him aside, I said--" 24 continued, irritated (though willing to concede the mullet point) "--today we're going to discuss the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Established in 1910, the Guild is the largest of all the supervillain organizations; in fact, it's got more members and staff than the The Peril Partnership, the Fraternity of Torment and all unlicensed villains combined. Of course, it also has more rules than all three combined. There's a full rulebook that all members must adhere to and abide by, as well as dues and sponsor-ship fees to pay. What the Guild does is take the applications of those who are looking for licensed aggression and match them up with villains of the appropriate rank and level."
"So why bother with all that?" 21 asked. "Several reasons. First of all, the Guild is a juggernaut. Sure, you could try to arch on your own, but if you begin arching someone who already has a contract with the Guild, they won't hesitate to send someone out to work you over. Plus, they offer insurance to all members, which is good because if a week goes by without your bones being turned into butter or your skin turning inside out, you're not doing your job."
"Also, belonging to the Guild is actually a something of a civic service. They spend a lot of time and effort making sure nemeses are matched correctly. Unlicensed aggression can lead to disregarding of treaties, improperly matched animosity, or inappropriate behavior. Guild certification goes a long way to making someone a name brand villain. With Guild certification comes respect, ladies and gentlemen."
"And street cred!" 21 said. "We totally have street cred!"
"We do!" 24 agreed. "They also provide quality control. No one wants a substandard nemesis, am I right? If the either party fails to provide first-rate, quality menace, the Guild steps in and...takes care of things." The class probably didn't need "dun dun DUN!" that 21 provided, but again, they were Guild henchmen. They went above and beyond.
"Today, we're going to show you the process of applying for Guild membership," 21 said as 24 began handing out clipboards. "As soon as you're done filling out your resume, pass it to Leslie-bot here and pass beyond this door to the shadowy world beyond."
The door being referred to in a dramatic and sepulchral tone of voice as 21 could manage was a plain, faux-wood door. Next to a house plant.
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