fandomhigh | HOW TO BE A COMPLETE BITCH WITHOUT TRYING, Workshop 4, Period 2 (Monday, July 28)

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HOW TO BE A COMPLETE BITCH WITHOUT TRYING, Workshop 4, Period 2 (Monday, July 28)

The teachers were on time again. And they looked kind of...annoyed. "Children," Jean-Paul said as he stood before the class, arms folded, "Mademoiselle Bell and I have a few...housekeeping matters to discuss with you before we proceed with the class. Do we not, Mademoiselle Bell?"

They did! They most certainly did! Because, you see, Tink and Jean-Paul were excellent, fabulous, wonderful teachers who were kind enough to reach into their black, shriveled hearts and teach the fine art of bitchery to these most unworthy students, and what did they get for it!?

"Nothing but grief, it would seem. Now, first of all, we told you your names; the least you can do is use them correctly when signing in. For those of you who may have forgotten, a list has been provided. Again. If you have any confusion, please consult it."

Secondly, while practicing one's finely-honed attitude with fellow students was recommended, and trying out one's newfound bitchery in all aspects of life was ideal, the rather glaring exception to this should be one's Bitch teachers. As they could clearly outbitch you any day of the week without putting any effort into it and were unimpressed with your rather pathetic attempts to start.

"Indeed," Jean-Paul agreed, then elucidated for those in the class who tragically were unable to quite understand Tink. "We are taking the time out of our busy schedules of being fabulous to teach you the way of the bitch; the least you can do is show us a bit of respect in return. That is not so much to ask, non?"

It really, really wasn't. Now! On to class! Class this week was about a very important facet in honing one's bitch craft: being fabulous. Being fabulous was vital to being a bitch. If one had the attitude but not the fabulousness, one was merely a cranky wannabe, and who wanted that? No one. At all.

"There are a few important things to remember to be fabulous. The first is to dress well. This does not mean spending a lot of money or being precisely on trend--although those help--but you must remember to dress well for your body shape. Ill-fitting clothing is no one's friend, and detracts from your fabulousness."

And of course Tink had a very nice store filled with very chic employees who would be only too happy to help you find something to make you look far less ugly than you appeared. Black was slimming, and of course the shape of a garment -- a higher waist line versus a lower one, how the fabric draped you -- could change so much in one's silhouette. But dressing well was not all to being fabulous! Was it?

"No, indeed it is not! One must also be--" Jean-Paul struck a pose. "A diva. Or. Not, if you are one of those bourgeois butch people. Not that we judge."

No, indeed. Not about that. Some butch people could be very fabulous, indeed, but in their own butch sort of way. But yes! One's attitude must be utterly fabulous. Remember that one simply is fabulous. One does not try to be fabulous. If you are trying to be fabulous, children, you have already failed, and will never be a diva. Ever. Now would be a good time to go to the corner and cry about your pathetic failure.

"We are trying to help them achieve fabulousness," Jean-Paul reminded her delicately. "Perhaps telling them to cry is. Well, delightfully bitchy," he acknowledged. "But it will not help them be fabulous. What will help them be fabulous is an entourage. This can be an excellent way of boosting your fabulous level if it is naturally low: surround yourself with fabulous people. However, remember it can go one of two ways. Either their fabulous demeanor will rub off on you, or your hopelessness will shine through."

And of course, surrounding yourself with sub-par people will only prove that you have no fabulousness and no taste in friends. Now, children, these were not the only ways to be fabulous, but there was only so much hand-holding their wonderful teachers could do. And so! Today's class would be about finding ways to make yourself more fabulous. Didn't that sound fun? Of course it did!

"Indeed it does," Jean-Paul agreed. "So, your assignment, should you choose to accept it--and you had better--is to think of and share with the class additional ways to be fabulous. That should not be so hard, should it?"

No! See? They were generous teachers, helping the children find fabulousness and giving them easy assignments that anyone with a working brain could easily accomplish. Weren't they amazing? They were. You could feel free to tell them that, after class. Offering gifts was also accepted.

"And remember, if are so lacking you need clues as to fabulousness, you need only look as far as myself and Mademoiselle Bell. And, of course, our TA. We are here to help, or at least that is what the administration keeps telling us."

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With your most diva-riffic icon

Barnabus Stinson III

Randy Miller

Logan Peace

Lee Adama

Chuck Bass

Toby

Agnes Nitt

Liir Thropp who will never BE Larry Smith, thank you very much.

Aravis, who refuses to acknowledge that other name.

Fabulously.

Lee...had no idea where he'd use this class in the future but he couldn't doubt liking it. It was just never boring.

Toby smiled happily, glad to be in a class without Kev. It was freeing, even if he had no clue what was going on.

Agnes groaned and hid her face in her hands. "Fabulous."

"I think that's supposed to be the point," he said quietly in her direction. "Though I saw enough of this nonsense this weekend to last a lifetime."

Maybe if he just got a sworn affidavit from Glinda the Good he could just pass the course without sitting through more of this.

"I don't think this class has a point," Agnes remarked. "Except to humiliate us. They're just having fun at our expense."

"Generally, I've done my best to pretend I'm the bitchiest person I ever knew and ignore the rest of it."

He shook his head.

"It really is ridiculous. And to be perfectly honest, pathetic."

Find other aspects of your life where you can be fabulous. Discuss new and interesting ways to make yourself fabulous. Grovel for your inadequacies. Well, that last part was optional, but it would amuse the hell out of your teachers, at least.

Lee didn't have much practice in being fabulous. He really didn't care.

"Um. I'll just walk around without sleeves on my shirt," Lee said, going with the most obvious thing. "I'll make people envious and then laugh at them when they ask how I got my arms to look like that."

Yeah, he had no idea.

God, Lee's arms were hot.

Toby stared with a little sigh.

Tink considered. Could he perhaps stand, and walk around a little so she could get a proper appreciation of his arms? For completely legitimate teaching purposes. She needed to see if his arms were in fact a proper source of fabulousness. Really.

It took Lee a moment to figure out what Professor Tink wanted but, once he did, he got up and walked up and down the length of the classroom for her.

"I should try to make my friends more fabulous," Chuck said after a moment's thought. "That way they won't bring down my own epic fabulousness when they are seen with me."

Chuck felt Nathaniel could be more fabulous. You'd think he'd take some tips from himself and Blair and bring his inner bitch out.

And that was a very good answer. Well done, TA! How was he hoping to make his less-fabulous friends into the bastions of fabulousness that they should be?

"Maybe I could be more fabulous if I didn't wear pants. I'm already shirtless most of the time, and like Lee, people should envy my ripped bod wherever I go," Toby said in a way that wasn't quite thoughtful but was sincere.

Was he thinking of being nude in class?

... She was just curious. That was all. Teacherly curiosity.

Agnes was feeling decidedly less than fabulous, especially with the corks on strings hanging from the brim of her pointy black hat.

"You could always marry a king," she griped. "That's pretty fabulous."

She could, but really, she recommended the fat girl aim lower, for the time being. Such as, removing the corks from that strange hat of hers.

Agnes glared at Tink. "They come back," she muttered.

He looked very skeptical of this assignment.

"You could host parties," he put in. "And gradually make them more and more exclusive. The more control you have of the situation, the more fabulous you are. Or people will think you are anyway because you have the control."

That was a very good idea, provided that the exclusivity correlated to how fabulous the people were who were left. If one eliminated the awesome people and then narrowed it down to just those who were not awesome at all, one would seriously hurt one's credibility on that front.

"So the first ability necessary for being fabulous is being able to identify fabulousness in others?"

They eat fabulousness for breakfast.

He can be invited to the Fabulous Breakfast Party with Tink and Jean-Paul.

Chuck was there. And fabulous.

Tink-mun: Saying "Fabulous" a lot reminds me of AbFab, and now I want a Patsy to come drink with Tink.

JP-mun: I've never seen AbFab. Does that make me unfabulous?

And, see, now I'm thinking about how Jennifer Saunders -- Edina on AbFab -- was the Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2. I'm frightening myself with thoughts of what might happen, were she and Tink to meet.

This gets my NOES icon, even.

Hahahahahaha, seriously?

Yiiis! Before I double-checked, I was even thinking she'd played Patsy, which would have been even more fantastic. But still!

Fairy Godmother + Tink = Supreme Powers of Bitchiness.

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HOW TO BE A COMPLETE BITCH WITHOUT TRYING, Workshop 4, Period 2 (Monday, July 28)

Sign In (7/28)

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Talk Amongst Yourselves (7/28)

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