fandomhigh | The History of Sex: Workshop 1, Period 3 (Thursday, May 15)

Barney looked around the classroom and adjusted his tie wearily. "Please tell me this group will be better," he said to Tink.

Tink didn't hold much hope that it would, really. But look! Look, Barney! She'd brought booze! Booze was the best teaching aid ever. It made you not hate the students half so much! Here! He should drink some! Mmmm, booze!

"Has anyone ever told you you're a saint?" Barney asked, pouring some sweet alcoholic nectar for himself. "A tiny, bouncy little saint, with...oh right, students."

With students? Wasn't he about to say -- OH! Students! There were students here. Hello, students! She was the fabulous, wonderful, amazing Miss Tinker Bell ...

"...Along with your Professor of Awesome, Barnabus Stinson," he finished. "Please, feel free to call us Professor Stinson and Professor Bell. No formalities here."

And they should remember that the very best students were the ones who took care of their teachers. So what if officials called them "bribes"? The officials weren't the ones handing out the As, now were they?

"And should these supposed officials ask, we say, 'What bribes?'" Barney grinned. "Now, this course is about the History of Sex: and other stuff. You'd better get yourselves ready as we are about to blow your little teenage minds. And I hope to God none of you are virgins. Well, other than Ron."

He was here again? Awwww, Barney's grandson took the class! Hi, Barney's grandson! See, he was totally embracing his inner Awesome and well on his way to living up to those latent Stinson genes he had somewhere. Maybe some day that would even mean losing his virginity. Maybe. Didn't Barney just want to pinch his little cheeks?

"Not really, no." Barney peered at his pixie counterpart, deciding she had to be kidding. "Regardless, you're here to learn about sex from ~~meta for~~ Smurfette to cybersex."

There was a lot of sex out there, and a lot of people doing it, in strange and interesting ways! Ones that could possibly destroy your mind, children. Had they ever really thought about sex? Everyone out there is the product of sex, except possibly the frog-thing. He was felt and felt didn't seem likely to reproduce sexually.

Barney shuddered and drank deeply. "And so today we'd like you to introduce yourselves. Tell us of your best or worst sexual encounter. Or make up something good."

The children should remember that this was a safe, learning environment, and they should try very hard not to laugh at one another very much. Except she would be. Some of these should be good. But treat one another with respect. More or less. Try, anyway.

"Also, everyone meet Dawn, our TA for this course. Dawn, feel free to make Ron your bitch," he grinned at the lovely Ms. Summers, wondering if Ron would pass out just by proximity to such an attractive young female. "Now, how about we get this introductory party started with....you!" Barney said, pointing at a random student.

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"Y'know how there was that one day where a lot of the girls woke up as guys last term? Well the same thing happened last year, except it was us guys who woke up with girly bits," Dean explained. "Some of us just took advantage. And that's Alec over there." He nodded in his double's direction.

Fair enough. No laughing at the virgin with the ponytail.

"I think it's safe to say, I'm hot no matter what gender I wake up as."

Good! Their TA was clearly not a virgin, the way Ron was. Gooood to know. Someone in this class would be helpful. (Besides Barney and Tink, of course. Who were experts, but not so inclined to share their mysterious secrets of awesome. Unless bribed with booze.)

Oh, oh, he had an enormous ego. Tink approved. So did she.

Why be modest when you were awesome?

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," Dean said with a sigh. "If you don't want tutoring from me, you should consider going to your TA for some hands on help."

Oooh, yes, that. Some people got so upset by a little constructive criticism. Really. Tink wasn't telling them anything they didn't need to know.

Tink stared.

No.

No, he was not.

Do not do that.

Tink tilted her head at the girl. Some of that had syllables. Perhaps she should try again?

Or use body language! Like Tink did! It was so much more communicative than normal speech. Really. Especially if you were fabulous and gorgeous (which Tink was).

It was astonishing, some days, that Tink and her own ego fit in the same room.

"The perils of Fandom," Dean said. "Least it gives us opportunities for experiences we'd probably never get anywhere else."

Trying to stop Tink from killing the students, despite how fun that could be, Barney intervened. "As much as the lesbian-lover annoys me, Dean Cougar frowns on injuring students. Maybe we could find another way to punish him for being a jackass."

Toby was loving this idea. "You have the best ideas," he practically growled.

Jenny glanced at Alec, then back at Dean. Then back at Alec, then back at Dean. "Damn."

If it weren't for class? She'd be in her bunk.

Barney! Barney, they were being mean to her! They were talking about a Wendy-bird. And Peee-tah. And Tink knew that she was more awesome than all of these stupid virgins but could she kill them anyway? Please? Just a minor injury, some burns? Around the edges? Could she make the stupid Weasley boy green? With warts? He looked like the warty type.

"I know, right? Something about this place helps me think good." He grinned at his boyfriend.

Which would be when Francine looked up and got far enough past her OMGWTFHISTORYOFSEXCLASS reaction to process that the sparkly thing that had been zipping around the teacher was.... not a lightning bug.

Opening your mouth wide enough for said lightning bug to fly into it if it so desired sort of counted as body language, right?

Edited 2008-05-16 02:15 (UTC)

Dean wasn't sure about the enormous ego thing, but hey, he never saw any reason to hide the things he was awesome at.

"HE'S the jackass!!!" Sokka protested, pointed at Ron. "HIM, not me!!!"

And then he smirked at Barney. "And Mel is SO not a lesbian. So, SOOOO not a lesbian."

Dawn wasn't sure whether to be amused or horrified, so she sat there and tried to look knowledgeable (but not too knowledgeable) instead, just in case someone had a question.

Edited 2008-05-16 02:41 (UTC)

"For the record?" Ron muttered. "I'm not anyone's... you know."

Ron... oh so quietly making his way to the door to make his getaway.

"I don't need any more help than she already gives me," Sam said.

Dean stared at his brother. "Dude, you can't be that totally clueless."

Brooke Davis

"You are talking about hands on help of the sex kind, aren't you?" Sam asked.

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The History of Sex: Workshop 1, Period 3 (Thursday, May 15)

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