fandomhigh | The Art of Cool: Class 14, Period 2 (Friday, April 18)

How to Use Alcohol to Your Advantage

When students met Tink and Barney in Ye Old Danger Shoppe, they might do a double take as it was set up to look just like a certain local bar. Complete with a certain hot local bartender. Happily, while Tink and Barney lectured, she was muted, lest she interrupt their talk.

"Today is a special last class before your final," Barney announced. "We are here to discuss how the many forms of alcohol can assist you in raising your personal Coolness, your own Hotness, and the Hotness of those around you."

Or it could lower your standards! Let's say you were amazingly Cool - well. Let's pretend you were someone else who was amazingly Cool, like Tink or Barney. Sometimes at a bar all you see are boring, ugly people. You can't stand listening to them talk. You can't imagine being bored enough to go home with them. Luckily, a few drinks made them seem fascinating and cute! When the drinks wear off in the morning, that's when you leave and never look back. It was simple and easy!

"Especially the leaving and not looking back," Barney said. "I have a form letter, if any of you need extra help with that last part."

The best part was that the process worked in reverse. The more they drank, the more fascinating and cute you appeared to be! Not that Barney or Tink ever needed help in that department, but for some of this class, it might be their only hope of not dying a virgin. Get someone good and loaded, and they wouldn't notice your gaping personality flaws or your hideous excuse for personal hygiene. They might think that awful top you insist on wearing is eccentric! Believe in yourselves, children! And more importantly, believe in the power of beer goggles!

"Or, like Weasley, you can attempt some liquid courage to hit on those much hotter than you and then pass out when they even seem to be considering it." He laughed for a moment. "Ah, memories!"

Could they show the clip again? Could they? Could they? Tink loved that clip!

Barney took a thoughtful puff on his cigar. "Unfortunately there's not time, but I'll give you a special post-class viewing, how about that?" There was drinking to be done, after all.

Hooray! Hooray! The clip! And look, children, liquor! This was a very special place! Absinthe lived here! The liquor was very real so they should drink up! And try to pick up the not-as-real bar patrons! Hooray! Barney and Tink had added all sorts of interesting people for them to hit on! Tink was especially proud of a few of her creations. (This meant that the students should probably be very afraid, right about now.)

Barney grinned evilly, incredibly pleased with the horrors they'd programmed into the simulation. "Oh, Ms. Bell, didn't you have a Special Announcement for our most willing to please students?"

Oh! Yes! Did anyone want to take a shift at Pixie Dust this week? Because prom was coming up and Tink hated people and did any of them want a free A in this class that they were far too uncool to pass otherwise? They did, right? See Tink after class! Do it! Do it now!

The evil look was still in place. He liked alternative assessments. "Now, brave students, step up to the bar. Extra points if you land the bartender."

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"Drinkin', mostly." Reno glanced around the bar. "I dunno about some of them, yo. Wouldn't want anything to turn green and fall off, or some shit."

Faith had to crack up at that. "Think any of 'em have biohazard signs?" she laughed. "I been desperate, but that's still pretty slim pickins."

Reno lifted the bottle and had himself a swig, closing his eyes and just taking a moment to enjoy the burn on his lips.

Damn, damn fine shit, right there.

"I think most of 'em don't need biohazard signs, yo. Anyone dumb enough to get that close deserves the gangrene or leprosy or whatever shit they end up sufferin' from. Even I'm not that desperate, yo."

"Hittin' a rough patch?" she asked. "You oughta work as a bartender. Drinking, people-watching, and you get the prettiest people coming in looking for a quick lay."

"That why you're tendin' the bar?" Reno smirked. "Hit a rough patch, need a quick lay?"

"I got a hot Latina girlfriend and first pick at the hotties that come in here," Faith laughed. "Why, you offering?"

Reno tilted his head for a moment, sizing up the figure in front of him.

First, not real.

Second, this was a class assignment thing. And totally didn't count, because he'd never look to seduce the real thing. Respected her and certain other ladies far too much for that.

So this totally didn't count.

"You acceptin', or is it gonna take me sharin' more of my Everclear to get to that point?"

"You usually have to resort to liquor?" Faith purred, leaning on the bar. "Not giving me a lot of confidence in your skills, here."

"The liquor's a courtesy," he replied smoothly, that little smirk toying at his lips. "Wouldn't be fair of me to have a whole bottle to myself while you got just a glassful, yo."

Reno drummed his fingers thoughtfully on the countertop.

"Or we put the bottle on hold for a bit. If I don't live up to your standards, I'll just give you the rest, yo." Smirk. Lots of smirking. Picking up simulations of his favorite bartender.

What next?

"You spent a week dry, and you're in a hurry to take off?" Faith grinned. "Desperate, or are you just that swayed by the hot bartender?"

He had a bit of a laugh at that, shaking his head and having another mouthful.

"So, it's either I take my time to enjoy my booze and make you question my abilities that way, or I put the booze on hold and I'm desperate, yo?"

He held the bottle toward her glass and raised an eyebrow, smirking. "There some kind of middle ground I'm missin', here?"

"Mmmm. You tell me," she laughed, enjoying the banter. "I'm sure you can come up with a line right here about something or other. Complete faith in you."

Only she was allowed to pun on the name, yes.

Not like he knew her name anyhow. He might have appreciated the pun more if he did.

"The way I see it, if you became a bartender lookin' to get some, and I'm sittin' here totally missin' the middle ground, we could probably both benefit from a good strings-free screw."

Subtlety was not Reno's strong point.

Faith wasn't much for subtlety herself. "I cracked a guy's ribs once," she said, leaning against the bar with a grin. "You sure you can handle the ride?"

She had. Totally by accident. And he'd whined about it, too. Ugh.

He grinned back a little more.

"I like it rough," he informed her, because telling Fake-Bartender this was somehow less awkward than telling Real-Bartender might be. "Just cracked 'em? Shit, there should'a at least been some blood involved, yo."

The Art of Cool: Class 14, Period 2 (Friday, April 18)

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