fandomhigh | The Art of Cool: Class 3, Period 2 (Friday, January 25)

Barney was grinning as he stood at the front of the room chatting rather loudly with Tink. "Ms. Bell, did you get the pictures I sent you the other night?"

Tink clapped her hands excitedly. She did! She got all of them! They were beautiful and she was framing a few of them. Tink took a moment to sigh happily. Their illustrious TA was doing so well. And the others? Come on! Come on! Had they all split with their boring boyfriends and girlfriends and engaged in commitment-free sex?

Barney laughed, "Oh, you need to see the video later. He fainted. It was legendary! The rest of you, tell us about your how your homework went. Weasley, want me to show the video?" Barney was rather cruel at times.

Tink loved his cruelty. And poured herself another shotglass full of absinthe while the students shared their humiliating and wonderful experiences.

"Okay, kiddos," Barney started the real lecture after everyone had presented their homework. "Now, when you suck at sex, something really bad happens. And it's more likely to happen when in a relationship than when happily single and having commitment-free sex. That really bad thing? I'm talking about babies."

Tink shuddered. Babies were ... gross. There was no other word for it. Babies were smelly and stinky and they drooled on you. Babies were sometimes cute, when they laughed and when they smiled, but these were traits one could admire from a distance. Did these idiotic children really want to be responsible for another human life? Did that sound like fun!? No! It didn't! It sounded boring!

"Ms. Bell has made some good points that you should all consider as you struggle through your project this week. Congratulations, you're parents!" Barney laughed maniacally.

Hooray! You have failed entirely at using proper contraception, and have created a new life. What were you thinking? Truthfully, Tink would assume you weren't. For one, it's not like you seem that fond of the practice, and for another, you were probably letting the hormones drive. If you had commitment-free sex more often, you would be able to think clearly, even in the throes of passion. You see? All of this could have been avoided with more sex, not less. But Tink digressed.

"What will represent your children, you ask? Simple: Eggs. Raw eggs, not hard-boiled because, like rotten eggs, babies stink. You will care for your eggs the way you would a child and present your findings next class."

Didn't that sound horrendous and boring? Pretending to bathe and feed the eggs, at least once every few days, just like with real babies. Paying attention to the stupid eggs, and not locking them in a drawer all week, because real babies would make loud noises and crap all over your nice clean drawer and then you'd never be able to get your beauty sleep. No hitting the eggs too much when they cried or were annoying, or then there would be a mess. Gross.

"Gross is right," Barney agreed, making a face. Sure, he liked his future nephew, but he was not keen on children not adopted by his brother. "When we call your names, come get your egg and meet your baby daddy. Or mommy as case may be. And just so this is clear to all of you, as TA, Mr. Weasley is like an extension of myself and Ms. Bell."

Which meant that his word was law, except when it overruled them, because he'd better not try or he'd have an angry pixie to deal with. But other than that, he was free to use his authority as he saw fit. Because - and this was a very important lesson in becoming cool, children - the whole point of having power was to abuse it for your own amusement.

"It's like that poster in our office, 'Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.' Now, listen up for your names!"

[ooc: OMG yes there is homework again! And scary OCD!]

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Pondering the egg baby, Brooke muttered, "I'd better not have to garnish wages just to get child support."

Dick sat down next to Brooke and sort of stared at the egg for a few moments. "Okay, I'm going to end up breaking this thing."

"Okay, that settles that, I get primary custody and you get court-appointed supervised visits," Brooke said immediately. She paused. "Is it, strictly speaking, against the rules to boil them? I mean, it's less child abuse and more tough love for their own protection."

"Yeah, it'd pretty much be the equivalent to putting your kid in a car seat," he said. He didn't much care about losing custody. His kid was an egg. Who wants to hang out with that?

"Awesome. Then boiling is nigh," said Brooke, a little more happily now that she knew she wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of raw egg guts should there be an Incident. "Now for names. I'm kinda thinking Shiloh." Shhh.

"Shiloh?" Dick asked, making a face. "Why Shiloh?"

"Brad and Angie. It's bound to make it a popular new name," she said, like this should be obvious. "Why, did you have something better?"

"It's an egg. We could give it a totally awesome name we wouldn't name our real kids," Dick said. He thought for a moment. "Like Crunchbite."

Brooke gaped.

"I am not naming my egg baby Crunchable."

"Crunchbite," Dick corrected. "It's totally badass."

"No wonder I have custody!" Brooke said. Such a boy, wow. "No. I'm putting my foot down. Let's aim just a teensy bit towards normal, hm?"

"Fine, but we're not naming it after any of Brad and Angie's eight hundred kids," Dick said.

"...Suri? Say what you will but that kid's freaking adorable," she said matter-of-factly.

"No wonder we hypothetically broke up," Dick said, rolling his eyes. "Fine. But if you suggest we raise it as a Scientologist the kid is getting a name change. To Crunchbite."

"Oh, god no. No egg baby of mine is growing up to be a Katiebot 5000." There may have been a little shudder there. "Have any idea when visitation should take place? I so feel like the wrongest of child lawyers right now."

Dick shrugged. "I've only got class on Monday. When will you be able to supervise me so I don't accidentally cook our kid?"

"How would you acciden- You know what, I don't want to know," she decided quickly. "I've got classes at the end of the week, so does Tuesday or Wednesday work?"

"Tuesday works for me," Dick said. He wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to do during these court appointed visits but he'd figure something out. "Take good care of Suri. I don't want to hear you've gone all Britney Spears on me."

The Art of Cool: Class 3, Period 2 (Friday, January 25)

Dick & Brooke

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