fandomhigh | Love Smart: Period 2, Week 12

Barney was pacing the front of the classroom when students arrived. As soon as they were seated he banged a hand on the podium.

"Okay kiddos, so you're in a relationship and you say to yourself, Self, why are we doing this? We are young. We are hot. We should be single again and have this comfortable mattress all to ourselves the morning after. And yet, there's that chick (or dude, whatever) cramping your style who just won't go away. It's like a complicated one night stand." He looked meaningfully around the room, sure there were many one night stands gone bad in attendance.

"You've tried it all: cold silence, televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, kids, look no further. I'll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions. Sorry ladies, I don't currently know of any reason a man would stay with you in the first place, but if you happen to be dating a woman, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System®! Available for a nominal fee during my office hours immediately following class." He gestured to Hoshi ~~assuming she was there, omg~~, hoping to get her to pass out the handout as he read it aloud to the class.

THE CHALK OUTLINE
A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.

MORN' PORN
Watch it. You don't have to like it; you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don't even have to "get up."

FIRE!
Smoke machine. Get one. If you don't see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She'll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?

ANIMAL SACRIFICE
Let's face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you've already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a "replicanimal." (Set of 20 plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)

FAKE WIFE
The "Fife," aka the "Barney Fife," is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she'll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.

WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day. Man up, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System® and Make last night go away forever… today®.

Barney stopped in front of the podium again. "Now, I want you to get in groups and think up more ideas." Yes, he was going to take any good ideas and sell them. What of it? "And then, for homework, you can break up with your significant other and get back to me about how it went next week!"

[ooc: Credit to the best blog in the world.]

Love Smart: Period 2, Week 12

Re: Professor of Awesome [12/7]