fandomhigh | Love Smart: Period 2, Week 12

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Love Smart: Period 2, Week 12

Barney was pacing the front of the classroom when students arrived. As soon as they were seated he banged a hand on the podium.

"Okay kiddos, so you're in a relationship and you say to yourself, Self, why are we doing this? We are young. We are hot. We should be single again and have this comfortable mattress all to ourselves the morning after. And yet, there's that chick (or dude, whatever) cramping your style who just won't go away. It's like a complicated one night stand." He looked meaningfully around the room, sure there were many one night stands gone bad in attendance.

"You've tried it all: cold silence, televised football, fake blood; still, those chicklings keep on nesting. Well, kids, look no further. I'll turn your awkward morning-after cuddle sessions into guilt-free self-cuddle sessions. Sorry ladies, I don't currently know of any reason a man would stay with you in the first place, but if you happen to be dating a woman, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System®! Available for a nominal fee during my office hours immediately following class." He gestured to Hoshi ~~assuming she was there, omg~~, hoping to get her to pass out the handout as he read it aloud to the class.

THE CHALK OUTLINE
A little police tape and a body shape curiously like hers can expedite an extradition.

MORN' PORN
Watch it. You don't have to like it; you have to love it. Plus, you can keep watching when she leaves. You don't even have to "get up."

FIRE!
Smoke machine. Get one. If you don't see results, upgrade to police-issue tear gas. She'll be crying anyway, so why not offer her a head start?

ANIMAL SACRIFICE
Let's face it: girls like animals. Undoubtedly, you've already discovered the make and model of her childhood pet while enduring conversation. Apply your knowledge by standing over her with a knife and a "replicanimal." (Set of 20 plastic, hypoallergenic replicanimals of every stripe included in the ADVANCED Morning-After System®.)

FAKE WIFE
The "Fife," aka the "Barney Fife," is an instant classic. Have your Fife primed and ready to go the night before: she'll need a call time and some angry patter. Strippers/escorts make excellent Fifes as they often work for reduced rates in the morning and consider themselves actresses anyway. Or, you can always conscript a desperate female friend.

WARNING: In the hands of amateurs, these ruses will backfire, stranding you in a relationship, kicking sand in your own eyes, day after sexless day. Man up, try the Barney Stinson Morning-After-System® and Make last night go away forever… today®.

Barney stopped in front of the podium again. "Now, I want you to get in groups and think up more ideas." Yes, he was going to take any good ideas and sell them. What of it? "And then, for homework, you can break up with your significant other and get back to me about how it went next week!"

[ooc: Credit to the best blog in the world.]

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Name and favorite post-breakup food

Jamie Madrox, two bottles of Midnight Hobo

What? You expect him eat?

Willow Rosenberg, Ben & Jerries and plenty of it.

Dick Casablancas, lots of tequila

Andrew Wells, what?

Shawn Farrell, whatever's in the kitchen and not gone off.

Hoshi Sato, Cherry Garcia ice cream

Summer Roberts, anything chocolate

Jim Halpert, Jello. And not to eat. To put her things in.

Peter Pevensie. ...uhhh, no.

Karal Austreben, who's not participating just on principle. (And also, he kind of despises Barney.)

Zack Addy, break-up food?

Beauty Huston, with no plans to need post-breakup food

Hermione Granger, um...

Listen, take notes, wtf?

Hoshi felt like she'd rather be back in her room playing video poker.

Karal didn't even pretend to take notes. He simply sat, arms folded, looking at Barney with deep disapproval.

Get in groups and think up your own way to end a bad relationship or get rid of an ex.

Shawn had no desire to break up with Summer, so he was sitting there ignoring the class work. Over a year of this school, and he still takes a while to boggle over the things they're told to do in the name of education.

"This class never fails to make me boggle," Summer said as if reading Shawn's mind.

"If I ever use any of those tactics on you, you have my permission to either hit me, or use your fork," Shawn told her. "Or some other permutation of the two. It's up to you."

Summer grinned. "That's good to know."

"Just, stick to non-vital organs with the fork-ing, if you could?"

Summer couldn't help laughing. "All I can promise is that I'll try."

"That'll do me," Shawn decided with a nod. You couldn't ask more than that, really.

"Best not to have experience with my rage blackouts," Summer added, snickering.

Edited 2007-12-07 19:08 (UTC)

"I'll bear that in mind while I ignore our homework," Shawn said.

"Ignoring that is probably a good way to avoid the rage," Summer grinned.

"Guess I'm already ahead of you there, then," Shawn said smirking right back.

"Do I at least get a 'no creepy break-up routines' promise from you, too?"

"If I tried any of those things, it'd probably mean I was some sort of weird pod person," Summer pointed out. "If I was breaking up with you, I'd just tell you. Not that I am, of course. No plans for that."

"And creepy pod-people problems around here usually only last a couple of days, so hopefully, it wouldn't last long."

"You make a very good point," Summer snickered.

Jim was... not good with breakups. That is to say, his breakup style would make Stinson happy, he thought. That depressed him a little.

Anyway, he waited for a partner that he would surely try to break up with before class ended.

Who should pingy!

Hoshi was there. She had muffins from J,GOB today.

Who is listening and taking notes as he wanders about the groups. Or after class he's packing up his notes and heading for his office hours!

"Um, Professor Awesome? Did I say awesome? I meant Stinson. I'm sure you get that all the time."

Yes. He's being a suck-up.

"For homework what if we're not seeing someone on a serious basis? Just been out on a couple of dates thing so there's not really a breakup thing to do? Is there an alternative homework? Like can I breakup another couple who's been together forever?"

Barney didn't need to consider. "A most excellent use of your knowledge, Mr. Madrox! Go forth and break up annoying couples!" Because that would be both entertaining and Awesome.

Karal, for whom the subject might still be a wee bit sensitive, walked up to Barney. "If you no longer wish to be with someone, you should simply tell them, honestly and openly. All this ridiculous carrying on is completely unnecessary."

Barney sighed, and thought to himself, Two more weeks, two more weeks, before answering. "This is for when you've tried other methods and failed."

Karal eyed him suspiciously. "That is not what you said. You said, 'you've tried it all: cold silence, televised football, fake blood', none of which are being open and honest."

"Women don't want open and honest," Barney told him. "It leads to crying and anger."

"With all due respect," Karal folded his arms, "you're wrong. They will not be happy about hearing it, I grant you that, but anyone would far rather hear the truth than be subjected to what you've suggested," he said firmly. "I suspect that you're simply afraid of having to deal with their hurt feelings."

"I find it more satisfying for both parties if she ends it because I wanted her to," Barney replied. "We could call on Professor Mal Doran and see how she feels about this subject." Not that he knew, he just assumed.

"That is an excellent idea," Karal agreed. His opinion of Professor Mal Doran was rather high, unlike the one he had for Barney. "I will approach her in class on Monday and ask. That can be my homework, if you agree, as what you assigned no longer applies."

I'm CHUCKING A SICKIE! And going to the movies, but I'LL BE BACK!

Enchanted? You're seeing Enchanted, right? Tell me it's Enchanted! That way you won't think I'm a freak for singing "That's How You Know" all weekend...

Nooooooooooooo! He, "didn't want to see Cyclops sing," so we saw The Golden Compass and now I want a Polar Bear!

Iorek as a townie, just saying....

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Love Smart: Period 2, Week 12

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