fandomhigh | How to Be Awesome: Period 1, Week 3

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how to be awesome

How to Be Awesome: Period 1, Week 3

Students would find the danger shop set up like a regular college lecture hall: horrid seats with attached desktops, podium, and video screen. They would also find Barney typically suited up.

"To begin, Jim Halpert has earned top marks for his radio broadcast. That was some amazing ass-kissing and well-worth the effort. People, you should follow in Jim's footsteps for he is well on his way up the awesome ladder." Barney grinned at Jim ~~assuming he came to class~~, "Legendary broadcast, Jim! The rest of you: I look forward to watching you get denied on tape," Barney then informed the class that he would watch their videos as soon as he received the ~~links~~ tapes and provide feedback accordingly. He then began the lesson.

"This week we will focus on selecting and using an appropriate persona so as to more effectively pick up quality cutlets. Remember that you must always perform CSI before attempting to dot the i with your cutlet. If you fail to do so, you might end up with a Michelle Gutierrez and none of us wants that."

Barney clicked on the projector and a lovely table appeared on screen:

Just Say NO	Green Means Go
Student	International Businessman
Wizard	Spy (FBI/CIA/MI-5)
Computer...anything	Doctor/Veterinarian
Secretary	Pro Sports Agent
Clerk	Ornamental Glass Distributor

"Here are some workable and some heinous personas for you to practice on each other. Those who want to argue the Wizard line, remind me, how much ass did Barry Plodder get during his time in school?" Barney pretended to answer his cell phone, "What's that, Barry? None? K, thanks, bye!" He put away the phone, looked at his students, and continued. "Those of you who don't possess accents should attempt to adopt one for your role, as accents equal action," Barney then instructed students to partner up and begin the role playing activity.

"For homework, I encourage you all to talk to real live women by attending the 3 minute dating session at Caritas this weekend. Which reminds me, check it. New thing. The Lemon Law. On a blind date and realize whoever set you up with this uggo is truly not your friend? You're free to go. Walk into a coffee shop and spot a muffin top spilling all over the hottie you've been chatting with online? Walk away, my friend. Eject. Abort. Do not pass Go. The Lemon Law allows you to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. Consider it a hall pass for dating.

"Hand out these cards to your friends."

Vocabulary Terms Defined:

Bon Mots - From the French, literally "the awesome words coined by Barney"

Dot the I - To close the deal with a cutlet you've been working.

Cutlet - A juicy, flavorful morsel one can enjoy with a glass of Merlot.

CSI - Crazy Scary Investigation. It's important to weed out the crazies and scaries before you investigate them further. Yeah.

Michelle Guiterrez - An unfortunate trait or habit that will bother you beyond endurance, rendering further contact with said cutlet impossible and turning up in your nightmares for weeks to follow. If said trait manifests itself within the first five minutes of an encounter one can, of course, invoke the Lemon Law.

Pullin' Chute - To abort a romantic initiation. The opposite of dotting the i.

[ooc: yes, I thieve from canon. Also, please to be linking Barney to all your most excellent pick up line adventures so he can comment accordingly. ~~Wait for~~ OCD is up! I am bored!]

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In a new persona/character, have a discussion about the best places to meet chicks.

Andrew's face was scrunched up in concentration. He was mentally working on his accent.

"Would you trust a Scottish doctor?" A.J. leaned in and asked a potential partner.

"Depends on his specialization," Andrew replied in a pretty horrible British accent.

A.J. nodded. That was a good point. He sat there for a moment, thinking about it, before replying, in a roguish Highland drawl, "Gynnocology, ach."

"Oh, that's really good!" Andrew exclaimed, totally forgetting about his accent for a moment.

Then back in character, "I mean, er, I don't rightly think I would have much use for a Gynecologists being that I lack the proper plumbing." He nodded.

"Riiiight," A.J. nodded. "But if'n ye did....hurve the raight plummin' in all, ye wuld, so, theoretically....if'n yer gonna pertend ta be sum'one...."

A.J. really, really liked the accent thing. Maybe a little too much.

"Well, if, um, 'n I did, I would prolly be scared to give you access to the plumbing, being that you might find some'tin wrong with the way it looks. It might be oddly asymmetrical, or have extra danglies, or some'tin." Spoken like an Englisher with an odd impediment who knows nothing about the nether regions of a female.

Andrew was turning a little red.

A.J. laughed a little. "All the muur better'n if I do, 'cause then I can be fixin' it."

The accents was shifting a little, more toward pirate. He could really only do Jersey consistently, but he didn't think that would be a good accent at all for the assignment.

Andrew had to laugh. "Good point."

He seemed to ponder something, "I was thinking about being a spy -- MI-5 and all that. But really, thinking about it, if you're compromised to the point where you have to leak your secret identity to someone, you're not a very good spy, right? I mean, if some guy, or, um, I mean, hot chick walked up to me and was all like, I'm a spy and I need your help, I would be worried. I would probably run for it, cause if they're that desperate, bullets are probably about to fly or the whole joint is about to explode and I don't need to be there when that goes down."

Again with the pondering, "Maybe I should go with the pro sports agent."

"I'd go sports agent, yeah," A.J. nodded; listening to Andrew made him forget about the accent. "I mean, I really doubt being a spy is anything at all like the Bund films....If it was you wouldn't even have to really do anything; the women just show up for that mission and rarely come back...."

Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Re: Partner Up!

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Johnny wasn't sure about this. He did a pretty good job of picking up chicks without an accent. Helped too when he was shirtless. Barney might not appreciate stripping in class - unless he took on the persona of a male stripper from Sweden. Hmmm.

"This seems silly, doesn't it, eh?" Jim asked, walking up to Johnny.

He was attempting a Canadian accent, of course.

Johnny got it. It was the eh totally.

Problem was, Johnny had no idea how to mimick a Sweden accent.

So he went with a Spaniard who was trying to speak English. He nodded his head a bit and raised his brows, "Me no English."

"You know English, eh?" Jim asked. "Chicks dig English speakers, eh."

Johnny moved his hips from side to side. He could do this. He was sure there were Spanish strippers somewhere this side of the border.

"Me no English, senor."

Johnny shook his bottom, hands on hips.

"Dig it."

"I know you speak English. And, actually, I'm a junior," Jim said. "Eh."

Jim was probably having too much fun.

Johnny held his hands up in the air, brows raised, then he turned around and shook his bottom at Jim, looking over his shoulder at him.

"Uno dollar. Uno dollar, amigo." Johnny held up one finger. "Tres dollar a hanky panky, si?"

What? Anything for a buck, right?

Jim reached into his suitjacket pocket and offered a cloth to Johnny. "Hanky, eh? Sure, I'll take a buck for it. No need to be a hoser."

Johnny looked at that hanky and took it, then he started trailing it over his body, waggling his brows at Jim.

He clucked his tongue and shook his finger, "No this," he moved the cloth enticingly over his chest and did his best to keep a straight face. "Unless amigo gives this," he rubbed his thumb and forefinger together, indicating dollar bills.

Jim now knew that Canadians made male hookers hot. Good to know.

"You can keep that, eh," Jim said. "And think of me when you use it, okay?"

Adam thought about what accents he could try, but seriously doubted his ability in that area.

Zack stared at Barney as if he'd grown a second head.

A moustache never hurt a good persona.

Why Jude carried a moustache around with him? Well, it was Jude.

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