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fandomhigh2007-07-09 12:31 pm
bluth-illusions.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2007-07-09 12:31 pm
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Sex Edder #1, Monday, Period 3
Once everyone had taken their seats, GOB smiled and started his lecture. "Hello, kids. Welcome to Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way II: Sex Edder. I'm GOB Bluth and over the next seven weeks you'll be learning most of what I now about sex. I figure this week we'll start with something simple in honor of the football scrimmage yesterday. While we're talking about that, though, go Blue Team. Anyway, this week's workshop is called 'Sports Metaphors: They're a Home Run'."
"Let's start with the most basic stuff first, baseball metaphors." As he listed each point, he wrote it on the present dry erase board.
"First base is making out with tongue. Second base is contact with the fun areas that shirts cover with hands or mouth. Third base is just like second base, but in the pants. And a home run is full on sex. You should know that already, so don't bother writing any of that down."
"What most people don't know is that baseball metaphors actually go farther. A double play is when you go for first and second base at the same time and get rejected. A ground rule double is brushing the breast 'on accident.' A sacrifice fly is coming on to somebody really badly so that a buddy who's trying to get some action with that person looks good in comparison and can get a free base just by not being you. Let's see, the infield fly rule is where you're on first and second and there's a pop-up in your infield - and by infield I mean pants - and the other person doesn't go for that but you're still safe at first and second. A double switch is when you have a threesome going and you change positions to give the third person some time to rest up. And a hit by pitch is when they like things a little rough."
"Over to football. Tight end is obvious, a Hail Mary is a last ditch thing where you try to win your partner over with sudden nudity, a field goal is a pity lay, and a point after touchdown is when you go for it again even after everyone has 'scored a touchdown.' If we're talking baseball again, that's a double header."
"With hockey metaphors, nobody cares because hockey is Canadian and Canada sucks."
"And with basketball, a David Stern is where you get screwed over in Phoenix after you get up and go twenty feet looking for some action."
"Basically, stick with baseball and you'll be fine."
"Now, usually after I give you my wisdom we do some sort of group activity. It's hot out so I didn't bother coming up with anything, so we're going to watch a video that combines sports with sex ed. It sucks, just like your partner after a good date. Watch the video and discuss sports metaphors when it's done. See if you can make any new ones. Just not for hockey. Hockey doesn't deserve it."
[OOC: Relative lack of creativity due to headache. Also, seriously, watch both parts of the video. Video is potentially NSFW due to the discussion of things like ejaculation and puberty and wet dreams. Stuff like that. But it's from the 1950's so the discussion is awkward and frank in the most bizarre way. Also, I want to know where the coach got these diagrams on such short notice. There's just something wrong about that guy.
Also, I do not believe Canada sucks. I'm a Chicagoan and the Hawks suck, though, so my opinion of hockey isn't terribly high. That said, I just have fun mocking Canada with GOB because Will Arnett is Canadian and having him taunt Canada amuses me.
Also, standard disclaimer here that carries through for the rest of the session: The discussions in this class may border on NSFW just based on the topics discussed, but I go vague whenever I feel necessary and the topics are much more SFW than, say, the Sex Ed class last summer that was actually informative. Discussion of these topics by students may toe the line a bit more than what I write, but please try to keep the content as work safe as possible, which shouldn't be too hard. Also, I'm usually at work for the bulk of class and don't have much time to play there, so if you want to talk to GOB, either ping in the thread for that or if there's something that you want him to react to in some other thread, ping me using the OOC thread or e-mailing me. And that should be it.]
"Let's start with the most basic stuff first, baseball metaphors." As he listed each point, he wrote it on the present dry erase board.
"First base is making out with tongue. Second base is contact with the fun areas that shirts cover with hands or mouth. Third base is just like second base, but in the pants. And a home run is full on sex. You should know that already, so don't bother writing any of that down."
"What most people don't know is that baseball metaphors actually go farther. A double play is when you go for first and second base at the same time and get rejected. A ground rule double is brushing the breast 'on accident.' A sacrifice fly is coming on to somebody really badly so that a buddy who's trying to get some action with that person looks good in comparison and can get a free base just by not being you. Let's see, the infield fly rule is where you're on first and second and there's a pop-up in your infield - and by infield I mean pants - and the other person doesn't go for that but you're still safe at first and second. A double switch is when you have a threesome going and you change positions to give the third person some time to rest up. And a hit by pitch is when they like things a little rough."
"Over to football. Tight end is obvious, a Hail Mary is a last ditch thing where you try to win your partner over with sudden nudity, a field goal is a pity lay, and a point after touchdown is when you go for it again even after everyone has 'scored a touchdown.' If we're talking baseball again, that's a double header."
"With hockey metaphors, nobody cares because hockey is Canadian and Canada sucks."
"And with basketball, a David Stern is where you get screwed over in Phoenix after you get up and go twenty feet looking for some action."
"Basically, stick with baseball and you'll be fine."
"Now, usually after I give you my wisdom we do some sort of group activity. It's hot out so I didn't bother coming up with anything, so we're going to watch a video that combines sports with sex ed. It sucks, just like your partner after a good date. Watch the video and discuss sports metaphors when it's done. See if you can make any new ones. Just not for hockey. Hockey doesn't deserve it."
[OOC: Relative lack of creativity due to headache. Also, seriously, watch both parts of the video. Video is potentially NSFW due to the discussion of things like ejaculation and puberty and wet dreams. Stuff like that. But it's from the 1950's so the discussion is awkward and frank in the most bizarre way. Also, I want to know where the coach got these diagrams on such short notice. There's just something wrong about that guy.
Also, I do not believe Canada sucks. I'm a Chicagoan and the Hawks suck, though, so my opinion of hockey isn't terribly high. That said, I just have fun mocking Canada with GOB because Will Arnett is Canadian and having him taunt Canada amuses me.
Also, standard disclaimer here that carries through for the rest of the session: The discussions in this class may border on NSFW just based on the topics discussed, but I go vague whenever I feel necessary and the topics are much more SFW than, say, the Sex Ed class last summer that was actually informative. Discussion of these topics by students may toe the line a bit more than what I write, but please try to keep the content as work safe as possible, which shouldn't be too hard. Also, I'm usually at work for the bulk of class and don't have much time to play there, so if you want to talk to GOB, either ping in the thread for that or if there's something that you want him to react to in some other thread, ping me using the OOC thread or e-mailing me. And that should be it.]
Re: During the Lecture [WS1]
Or football. Oh man, what if that was why people started taking their shirts off yesterday.