fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way, Monday, Period 3

GOB stood at the main campfire next to a large boom box and what looked amazingly like a wheeled dry erase board under a big white sheet. When everyone had gathered, GOB pushed Play on the boom box, causing "The Final Countdown" to play. With the music going, he introduced himself.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to enter a world of passion, a world of pleasure, a world with pictures of people naked. You're about to have your mind blown and if you pass this class, that's not the only thing that might get blown! Welcome to Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way. I'll be your instructor, GOB Bluth."

He hit Stop on the boom box. "Today's lesson will be about foreplay. The title?" A blast of smoke went off and GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the title which GOB read aloud, "Foreplay and Why You Don't Need It."

"A lot of sex starts with foreplay, so it makes sense to start the workshop with it. Let's get the basics out of the way. Foreplay is what you do until you get ready to actually have sex. You're teenagers. You're constantly horny. Some of you may be ready to jump someone here right now. If you need any rubbing or sucking or toys to get ready to go, you may want to write a letter to God asking why you haven't hit puberty yet."

"Those are, for the record, the three basic forms of foreplay. First," GOB said, writing it on the board, "rubbing. Just throw a hand in the chest, crotch, or face area and get to work on anything that sticks out. Change what areas you're rubbing a few times and your partner should be good to go inside of a couple minutes."

"Second," GOB said, turning to the board again, "sucking. This is the same principle as rubbing, but with your mouth. Not too hard to figure out. Licking is kind of two-point-five. It's rubbing, but with something that comes from your mouth."

"Third," GOB said, writing once more, "is toys. Your toys should come with some kind of instructions. Follow them and you're good. But if you want to make sure they work even better, read the French instructions. It's the language of love for a reason."

"Now ignore all of that," GOB said, drawing a big X over what he had just written. "Like I said, if you're not constantly horny now, there's something wrong with you. More than that, you don't have time for it anyway. When you're at home, the key is to get it done quickly to make sure that nobody's parents catch you. And if you're fast enough, you might even make it to two or three houses in a single night. Trust me, it's fun."

"In the cabins here, if you take your time with sex somebody's going to notice and you're going to make them uncomfortable. You should never let what anyone else thinks about your sexual activities influence you unless it might lead to your ass getting kicked. Angry cabinmates may kick your ass. Get in, have your fun, get out, try to be quiet about it unless you can beat up everyone else in your cabin."

"So remember, foreplay? Nice if you have some time to kill, but mostly useless for you."

"For today's activity, you'll be splitting up into pairs and coming up with a list of things you would do with all the extra time you'll have saved up if you don't bother with foreplay. I'll get you all started with one suggestion: have more sex. Get going with more things."

[OOC: Syllabus. The main post may be vaguely NSFW due to the topic, discussion in the comments may vary slightly from that initial NSFW declaration. I'm slow during work, so play amongst yourselves and ping me in the OOC thread or Talk to GOB if there's anything urgent. That will be standard operating procedure for this workshop, just so I don't have to say it every week.

Feel free to split into pairs of your own choosing in the given threads and get to work coming up with lists!]

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Resisting the urge to roll her eyes and biting the inside of her cheek so she wouldn't start yelling, Inara asked, "But don't you lose some of the intimacy if you don't participate in foreplay? Not to mention that it can't be enjoyable for your partner to know that this is the way you feel about him--or her--that they're not worth taking the time to make feel special. That's what it's for--it's not just about getting people ready to have sex, though that's a benefit."

Or so she'd heard.

GOB turned to the board and started to write a short list. "Things people want from sex."

"Number one: fun. This has nothing to do with intimacy. If people wanted intimacy, nobody would have sex outdoors or in front of other people. Why do people do those things? Because it's fun."

"Number two: to make someone else feel good. This is always number two to having fun for yourself except for when the following is true: You're getting paid for it, you feel sorry for them, or you want to impress them. Or if you're in love, but that's different from regular sex. For one, it's less fun."

"But that's not about a lack of intimacy--that's about desire, and wanting adventure, and trusting your partner. Yes, the fun is a bonus, but it's not the only reason to have sex," she argued, "and it's a gross mis-statement to say that everyone who gets paid for sex isn't interested in making their partner feel good."

"Of course it's not the only reason to have sex. There's profit, revenge, proving a point, playing with someone's head, trying to make a baby, and because you're bored," GOB said. "But it all comes down to fun in the end. And of course people who rent themselves out want their partners to feel good. That's how you get return business. And tips."

"BUN tyen-shung duh ee-DWAY-RO*," she glared at him, "It's not renting themselves out, it's receiving payment for services rendered, the same as you would with a solicitor or a physician."

*Stupid inbred stack of meat

"Sounds like somebody has an interest in prostitution," GOB noted with a smile, completely ignoring both the insult and the point. "Don't worry, we'll get to that in a couple weeks. Then you'll know everything you've ever wanted to know about selling your body."

"Selling implies slavery, with no choice," Inara fumed. "You don't understand anything about what you're talking about."

"Hey, you have a problem with renting, you have a problem with selling. Next week bring me a thesaurus and I'll find a word you're good with," GOB said.

Not that he needed a thesaurus. That's because he had The Book of GOB: Definitions for Your Life, a book he had written two years previously. It featured completely real words such as GOBnominal, GOBtacular, antiGOBitism, and - his favorite - GOBstitute, defined as "noun, a woman who rents her body to you for a predetermined amount of time and/or sexual acts while offering special deals and/or accepting coupons."

It should be no surprise that he never sold a copy of The Book of GOB.

"I think you're just misunderstanding the concept," Inara told him, stubbornly. Her age-mates back on Shinon would have been shocked.

"What's there to misunderstand? I find a hooker, give her money, we do whatever I paid for, we both leave happy," GOB said. "She got paid, I got laid."

Thinking about that for a moment, GOB wrote that on the board. Prostitution: She gets paid, you get laid.

"But that doesn't have to be all it is," she insisted, "Even in a business transaction, there can still be respect."

GOB ran a bar. It was hard to respect people who stumbled out, drunk out of their minds, in the wee hours of the morning. Before that, he was a professional magician. It was hard to respect people who believed that you could make a rabbit appear out of nowhere.

This would explain why GOB laughed at the thought of respecting the other person in a business transaction. "Keep telling yourself that," he encouraged. "Also, keep hoping for a unicorn for your next birthday because that's going to happen, too."

"Unicorn?" Inara asked, unsure she appreciated his tone, "What's that?"

GOB just stared for a moment. "Bring a dictionary next week, too."

Maybe it would be good for throwing... "I'll make sure to do that."

Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way, Monday, Period 3

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