fandomhigh | School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

Before the assembly, The Tick used the same mysterious process that chooses students for the detention lottery for another purpose.

He had written a play. Destiny told him that all the world was a stage and he was but a player, meaning that he was playing the part of someone that got people to play parts that he created. It was very meta.

Anyway, the curtains opened to start the assembly. It was time for The Tick's first play: A Time for Bagpipes.

[OOC: Cast, please handwave getting roped into this as a result of the announcements this morning. It may be a good idea to look at the plottery post to see what I told different people just so you can be better prepared.

Again, I'm very sorry about the last minuteness and the general WTFery of this. Feel free to go nuts, though. This is a play by The Tick that you had at best a couple hours to look over. Things need not make sense have fun. And thank you for volunteering and attempting to make this work!

Oh, and people in the later acts, don't feel obliged to wait for people in earlier acts. Jump in whenever.]

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"I'm just kidding, wife!" John said, holding up his hands. "Our daughter wants to marry a ferret! I'm trying to scare her straight!"

"I DON'T WANT TO MARRY A FERRET!," Dawn shouted, then said in an almost-mumble, "Ferrets have no respect for the ancient art of the bagpipes!"

Katara shook her head. "I don't know where we went wrong. Bagpipes, daughter? It couldn't be a nice flute?"

"Stop talking back to your mother," John said. "You'll marry who we choose or you'll spend a lifetime cleaning your mother's toes!"

"Aww, sweetie, I thought you liked cleaning my toes," Katara said.

"They gave gunk in between them," John said, making a face. "You need to shower more often than once a week."

"At least I don't sleep with cows!"

"No, you sleep with hot dogs!" John accused. "Honestly, do you know how greasy our bed gets because of all the hot dogs you take to our bed?"

Katara gasped. "If you didn't leave me for your cow prom, I wouldn't need to!"

"I WANT A DIVORCE!"

"No divorce!" Dawn started "bawling" from behind the tractor.

"Of course we won't get a divorce," Katara said, rushing over to comfort Dawn and glaring at John. "Your father's just being an idiot as usual."

"You think I love a cow!" John exclaimed. "I don't have to listen to my wide hipped wife make fun of me!"

Katara turned mid-rush. "You said you loved the cow more than me! You said I was behind her in your affections!" She swung the shovel at John, meaning to actually hit him. "AND I AM NOT WIDE-HIPPED!"

She actually DID hit him and the shovel clanged off his head. He dropped like a sack of potatoes, taking one for love of the craft.

Dawn ran over and crouched down, taking John's pulse to make sure Katara hadn't really killed him, but continued on with the show, "Since when do you listen to a man?"

Katara eeep'd and crouched down as well, automatically pulling water out of her skin and trying to heal the bump.

She took a second then followed up with her line. "I have always been sensitive about my hips. We on the hot dog eating circuit prize our svelte figures."

John made a big show of coming to and then he frowned at his wife. "Just for that, I'm asking for spousal support! I'm taking the hot dog eating trophies and your copy of Hot Dogs and U: A Memoir of Mike Hotdogeliopolis too!"

"Oh, not that, my dearest husband!" Katara replied, clutching his hand in hers. "You won't leave me pregnant with 16 mouths to feed!"

"What if I told you I was already shacking up with another woman?"

"You are doing the deed with Bessie?"

"No!" John sat up and looked towards Dawn. "Your mother doesn't trust me. If I give you a pony, will you like me more than her?"

Dawn thought about that. "No, but I won't complain if you spend long nights sighing over the cow that got away."

"I'm gonna tell you a secret," John said, motioning Dawn closer. "Your mother...never loved you. She wanted to name you Birthcontroldoesn'twork."

"I did not!" Katara said. "That was my mother! Just because this one's arrival meant the end to my competitive dreams."

Re: Act III [Cast]

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