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The Healing Power of Crystals, Wednesday

If the class was expecting someone a little more... Ms Cleo, they'd be disappointed. But not for a lack of trying on the teacher's part.

"Alright refused to come visit to work her blind lady magic," Deadpool informed them. "Something about how I just put on my old lady panties and teach my damn class by myself. Which. Gross. But here we are."

Learning about crystals.

"So, you took this class because easy A or you're my TA and you never escape the magic I provide. Tell me your name and about a magic crystal. Make it some Jim Henson shit. Or a story about a stripper, I'm not picky."

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Lacking glitter.

Peridot

Ahsoka Tano

Summer Smith

Khadgar

Shiemi Moriyama

You picked it, folks.

Peridot knew what class she was in.

She wasn't entirely sure why she was in this class. But she was here. And seriously not convinced she was going to pick up on anything useful. But it would be entertaining, at the very least.

Shiemi had picked some good classes this session! Plants and healing! She was going to learn SO MUCH!!!

Or ramble. Deadpool did not care.

Peridot was rolling her eyes a little bit, but she was standing up to talk anyway.

"I'm Peridot, and I'm not a magical Gem," she muttered. Because Era Two Peridots were inferior and were made without powers. Which was kind of a huge sore spot to Peridot and mostly made her want to just turn on Pokemon Go and spend the rest of this class catching pidgeys out of spite. "But most Gems do have powers. Even the Crystal Gems. Even Steven, if you can count healing spit as a power."

"...for realsies?" THIS CLASS WAS FAKE, PERIDOT. THIS CLASS WAS HELLA FAKE.

"... Yeah," Peridot replied, squinting a little. "Sapphires can tell the future, Lapis Lazuli can control water. Most Gems have some shapeshifting ability."

Except, again, for Peridot.

Serious sore spot, there.

"We need to rob a fucking jewelry store now," Deadpool replied. "Now we have a final project. Thanks, Kermit."

There was an awful lot to unpack there in that one statement. Peridot wasn't quite sure where to begin.

"What's a Kermit?"

That seemed like a good start.

That honestly could have been one of his many movie taglines.

"Little green puppets. Creepy if you think about it too much." A beat. "Aaaaand I'm thinking about it too much."

Peridot hesitated for a long moment before deciding it was probably best if she didn't ask what a puppet was, next.

"I see..."

She really, really didn't.

"Pretty sure Jim Henson was coked out of his mind when he made them, so it sort of comes full circle."

Just... go with it, Peridot?

That was more or less how Peridot coped with most things on Earth these days. So, there was that.

"Because Jim Henson was creepy?"

This was not the correct takeaway from that statement, 'Dot.

"Exactly!" Apparently it was the right takeaway.

"Then I'll be sure to avoid him," Peridot decided.

... Yeah, he'd be extra creepy if you were to meet him now.

"I'm Ahsoka." Which Deadpool should know by know, but she doubted it. "Kyber crystals are living crystals attuned to the Force." She thought about adding the part about them being the heart of a lightsaber but thought better of it.

JUST LET HIM HAVE A LIGHTSABER.

"So, space hippie crystals?"

Ahsoka trusted him less with a lightsaber than the actual younglings she'd supervised on their Gathering.

"You could say that." It wouldn't be any near accurate, but he could still say it.

Excuse you, he was super trustworthy.

"I could also say they're from the wilds of Arizona."

Ahsoka's narrative did not believe his lies.

"You could." It wasn't like she could stop him saying things.

"Can I also say that I feel like we're connecting here?" They absolutely were not.

"Hey, I'm Summer, but you knew that." Familiar faces in this class. Maybe it wasn't just the poor TA stuck in a unfortunate limbo of weird class hell after all; they were all in this together. "I don't really know a lot about crystals, I never really expected to know much about crystals, but I mean, one time, I had a party and my Grampa Rick invited a bunch of his weird space friends, and sent my brother and one of my friends and some guy who was the genetic fusion of Abraham Lincoln and Adolf Hitler out to get these things called Collaxian Crystals, which he then snorted like cocaine, and then did a weird stupid dance."

She figured maybe Mr. Deadpool would appreciate that story if anyone would.

"So, can you get me some of these Collaxian Crystals?" he asked slowly. "Asking for a friend."

A beat.

"She's a cocaine addict and my Yenta."

You'll have to forgive Summer if she didn't look terribly convinced.

"If I ever manage to break Grampa Rick out of space prison, then, sure, I'll ask him."

Although, no, she probably wouldn't really.

Well, that would probably end in Blind Al and Grampa Rick traumatizing everyone by hooking up or something equally gross for old people.

"Awesome! You're on the list of people who get to pass."

That he should start.

"Um, yay?"

Honestly, she didn't even think it was possible to fail at these classes, but it was nice to know that half-hearted promises of drugs she had no intention of actually procuring would mean something.

"I'm Khadgar, and I didn't really sign up for this, but the office put me here anyway." At least it wouldn't be too difficult, right? "We have mana crystals where I'm from. A mage can channel energy into the crystal and store it there, and then break the crystal later to release the mana when they need it."

"So, you know actual crystal magic and not the bullshit stuff they sell on infomercials?" Deadpool asked. "Well, this just got awkward."

"Shiemi Moriyama. And uhm. I don't know about any real magic crystals, that's why I'm here..."

She fretted a moment, then remembered something: "Ah! Wait! Once last semester I woke up and thought I was someone else. I was an exorcist who hunted demons in this place that was like the internet? and that me used a crystal on a wire to keep her version of Nii-chan in. Except her Nii-chan was a girl, so I guess that made her Nee-chan? And she was a computer virus demon, so it probably doesn't count as magic. Even if I did have to use a summon spell."

NEVER SORRY 'BOUT IT, XAN.

"You don't have magic!"

Oops, that was shrill. Guess she'd hit a breaking point. There was a flail and everything.

"Don't I?" Nope, he didn't.

Xanthippe was looking even more exasperated than usual. Look at all those forehead wrinkles.

"You don't. God, it's like talking to Kimmy again! Except somehow even more annoying. Oh my God."

"I don't know who Kimmy is, but I already like her!"

You brought this on yourself, Xanthippe. Somehow.

I am so tiiiiired.

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The Healing Power of Crystals, Wednesday

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