fandomhigh | Retail 101, Monday morning, All and Sundries

The shop is closed for the duration of the workshop and Edmund has assumed without checking that the students would have figured out that they would be going to a retail establishment for a course titled Retail 101.

If they didn't? Well, he's in a good mood, perhaps he'll consider detention rather than making students hose Baldrick down and scrub him off with a broom. Clothed of course - even Edmund wasn't so cruel as to expect anyone to see Baldrick sans trousers.

"My name," he said, "is Edmund Blackadder the Third. This workshop is Retail 101: The Tongue is Mightier than the Sword. If you are not here for this workshop, now would be the time for you to piss off."

Edmund waited for any potential off pissing before continuing. "The key to retail is interacting with customers. But none of this touchy feely 21st century 'the customer is always right' rot. The customer is not only not always right - the customer is quite often completely wrong and stupid as well.

"This workshop is to teach you to deal with those customers without losing your mind - how to put them in their places, how to amuse yourself when you cannot, and how, upon occasion, to do the appropriate kowtowing for a well-heeled, or well-armed client.

"Today, I will be assessing your current skill level. I want each of you to pair up with another student." Edmund smiled the sort of smile you might expect to see in a dark alley on the wrong side of something shiny and very, very sharp. "As we have an odd number of students on the roster, one of you lucky souls will get to pair up with me.

"You will each take a turn behind the register as Clerk, while the other student takes a turn as Customer. Customer, your job is to attempt to pay for your purchase with these," he held up a stack of poker chips. "Clerk, your job is to explain, in whatever manner you find appropriate, that All and Sundries only accepts valid currency."

Edmund stood up and moved aside to allow the first pair to take their turn. "While you are waiting your turn, feel free to get some practice in, chat up the student of the gender of your preference, or familiarize yourself with the store's inventory - there will be a test."

[ooc: No, Edmund won't actually make anyone bathe Baldrick, although volunteers would never be turned away.]

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"Great, first my mom tells me they aren't real chips and now you're telling me they cannot be exchanged for goods and/or services!" says Peter angrily. "Now I can't buy anything!"

"So...are you gonna ask me out or what?" asks Peter, who was apparently done his tantrum.

"No."

"Oh..." said Peter sadly. But he's so used to rejection that he perked up almost immediately. "Man, that was awesome. Wanna switch? I won't ask questions about the Playboy."

"Sure. And it's not a Playboy, it's a Cosmo," she says. "I'm only buying it to mock the cover model."

"Yeah and I'm sure you won't be reading that article on the 101 ways to please your man." says Peter sarcastically. "Give me a sec to get into character."

Peter put his hands over his eyes and mumbled 'I am...Clerk-Man!' to himself. He uncovered his eyes. "How may help you young lady?"

"Yeah, I'll be buying this stuff," she says. "Hurry it up."

Peter quickly rings up Jaye's items. "That'll be twenty bucks."

She pushes the poker chips at him. "There you go."

"Uh...you can't pay with this." says Peter.

"Yes, I can. Witness me paying."

"Witness me telling you it ain't gonna happen." says Peter "I take nothing but god-fearing American money."

"American money fears god?"

"Yes, yes it does." says Peter. He took a dollar out of his pocket and held it in front of Jaye. "I'm George Washington and I think god is scary!"

Peter put the dollar back in his pocket. "There you go. Straight from the man himself."

Jaye sighs. "Take it anyway."

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Jaye stares.

"Oh the humanity! To live in a world where a piece of plastic isn't free to be itself!" he sobs "It's so inhuman!"

"Um," says Jaye, backing away. "I'll be going this way now, and you might want to look into talking to someone. Who's not me."

"Aaaaaaaand end scene!" says Peter, who was grinning. "It's ridiculous how good of a salesmen I am."

"Where are you going?" he asks Jaye. "Don't leave me! We're buddies now!"

Jaye's going to be alllllll the way over here. And she's not above faking amnesia.

"I'm afraid I can't do that. This isn't money." says Peter "This poker chip is a dirty liar that pretends to be something it isn't!"

Peter picked up a poker chip. "WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU BE YOURSELF?!"

Retail 101, Monday morning, All and Sundries

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