fandomhigh | Retail 101, Monday morning, All and Sundries

The shop is closed for the duration of the workshop and Edmund has assumed without checking that the students would have figured out that they would be going to a retail establishment for a course titled Retail 101.

If they didn't? Well, he's in a good mood, perhaps he'll consider detention rather than making students hose Baldrick down and scrub him off with a broom. Clothed of course - even Edmund wasn't so cruel as to expect anyone to see Baldrick sans trousers.

"My name," he said, "is Edmund Blackadder the Third. This workshop is Retail 101: The Tongue is Mightier than the Sword. If you are not here for this workshop, now would be the time for you to piss off."

Edmund waited for any potential off pissing before continuing. "The key to retail is interacting with customers. But none of this touchy feely 21st century 'the customer is always right' rot. The customer is not only not always right - the customer is quite often completely wrong and stupid as well.

"This workshop is to teach you to deal with those customers without losing your mind - how to put them in their places, how to amuse yourself when you cannot, and how, upon occasion, to do the appropriate kowtowing for a well-heeled, or well-armed client.

"Today, I will be assessing your current skill level. I want each of you to pair up with another student." Edmund smiled the sort of smile you might expect to see in a dark alley on the wrong side of something shiny and very, very sharp. "As we have an odd number of students on the roster, one of you lucky souls will get to pair up with me.

"You will each take a turn behind the register as Clerk, while the other student takes a turn as Customer. Customer, your job is to attempt to pay for your purchase with these," he held up a stack of poker chips. "Clerk, your job is to explain, in whatever manner you find appropriate, that All and Sundries only accepts valid currency."

Edmund stood up and moved aside to allow the first pair to take their turn. "While you are waiting your turn, feel free to get some practice in, chat up the student of the gender of your preference, or familiarize yourself with the store's inventory - there will be a test."

[ooc: No, Edmund won't actually make anyone bathe Baldrick, although volunteers would never be turned away.]

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"Oh no!" Willow said, looking upset. "The poker chips are all I have! Please, can't you make an exception?"

"Sur-uh. No. No exceptions, I'm sorry." Blair looked around and leaned across the counter to whisper. "See, it's like this. I don't mind the poker chips myself, but my boss would fire me if he found out. I've got mouths to feed at home and my little fis-uh...children won't be able to survive if I don't keep this job."

"I wouldn't want to starve your kids," Willow said. "Oh! What if I split the candy bar with you? Then they'd have something to eat."

"My kids can't eat candy. Allergic." Blair shook his head. "It's tragic, really. I have to buy them special food that's very expensive. Which is why I need to keep my job here. So...three dollars, please?"

"Oh that's awful!" Willow said. "To be without chocolate which... my grandmother needs to live. Which is why I am buying this candy bar, with the only money I have, aka these poker chips."

"Seriously?" Blair shook his head. "Alright then, how about I just say you stole the candy bar. That way Grandma gets her chocolate and my boss doesn't think I'm stupid enough to take the chips. Everybody wins!"

"You won't call the cops on me, will you?" Willow asked. "I'm too young to go to jail!"

"Me? Call the cops?" Blair laughed a little. "Nope, I'll wait till you're gone and then tell my boss that some tall blond lady came in and stole a candy bar. The pigs will never catch up to you."

"Yay!" Willow said, reaching over the counter to give him a hug. "Thank you, Blair! I mean - stranger!"

Blair hugged her back. "No problem customer who I don't know and who is certainly not my friend Willow!"

"Go us!" Willow said, proudly. "I'd say we did very well."

"No kidding, we totally rock at this class." Blair nodded.

"Also? I'm not on fire," Willow said. "I'm counting that as a win for my class-related goals."

Blair blinked at her worriedly. "You were worried about being on fire? I don't remember that in the course description."

Willow nodded. "Set on fire for being a witch. I'd very much like to avoid that."

"Who is going to set you on fire? That's crazy!" Blair gaped at her.

"That's just the attitude I'd like to perpetuate!" Willow replied, cheerfully.

"You're okay though, right?" Blair leaned forward seriously. "No one's been threatening to burn you at all? I can whip up an anti-Willow burning protest in no time, if it would help!"

"Actually, there's something else I've got in mind if you're up for it," Willow said. "How do you feel about the rights of zombies?"

"I feel like around here they don't have any rights." Blair scowled. "I'm up for whatever you have in mind."

"Yay!" Willow said. "I'll ~~email you~~ tell you later." She gave a significant look around. "The man might be listening."

"Gotcha." Blair nodded and affected a look of innocence.

Willow tapped the side of her nose and tried to look just as innocent.

Edmund watched this friendly, loving, and above all touchy feely exchange with horror.

Clearly these two were going to need a lot of work. Not that that hadn't been evident with Blair since before the workshop had even begun.

"Here's your poker chips back, Mr. Blackadder," Willow said.

Retail 101, Monday morning, All and Sundries

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