fandomhigh | Finding New Hobbies, Tuesday 5/20, Period 1

Finding New Hobbies, Tuesday 5/20, Period 1

Today the class was meeting in the library. No, Stark didn't work there suddenly. This was just a good location. And it was early and he'd had an odd night and it was a relatively quiet place.

“So, one of you mentioned reading as a hobby,” Stark said once everyone was there. “So I thought the library would be a good place to come for today. Because of all the books.”

Thanks for that much-needed explanation, Stark.

“So everyone can look for a book, or more than one, or other things they have here. Libraries have lots of things that aren't books and they have lots of books. And if you like you can even look for books about specific activities. Potential hobbies. I'll be doing that. I know there are cookbooks here if anyone enjoys that besides me. Maybe there's a book on paintball strategy? Or…what do you call it, Anakin? Team building activities?”

Stark why would you suggest he look those up? Honestly.

“I think anything we can think of there will be something here related to it. So…go, find a book or just explore the library. Well
The parts you're allowed to explore.”

No going wild in special collections. It's not allowed. Don't get in trouble with the librarian, people!

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In spite of being repeatedly told it was all right for him to visit the library, Steven still had doubt. He was also not certain if it was all right to visit someone during their class or workshop time.

But ~~real life~~ schedules where what they were, and Steven couldn't think of another way to try to check in with Stark when both of them might be available for conversation.

So he sort of hovered - not literally - and waited for the end of Stark's class to see if they could have a chat.

Literal hovering would have been very out of character for Steven. And most people on the island, probably.

"Hello, Steven," Stark said when he noticed him. "Looking for books?"

"Is that allowed?" Steven asked. Because yes, he still doubted even though he'd been repeatedly told it was fine. "Er - I mean looking for you, actually."

He gave a wave. "Been a while. Thought it might be nice to catch up? If now's a good time?"

"I have some time," Stark said. "Before paintball. Are you all right?"

"I'm all right, yeah. Cheers," Steven said, since it was thoughtful of Stark to ask. "More worried about you, actually. Heard confusing things on radio and wasn't sure if something happened?"

Steven had some suspicions but he'd learned not to make assumptions based on the drunken notes of squirrels.

"I'm fine," Stark said quickly.

Which was more true today than it had been previously, even!

"Things are just... complicated. And confusing. But...it will be fine. I think."

Getting high and consuming way too many pickle products and then kinda hooking up with his recent ex somehow made things both more and less confusing. Life was complicated.

"What happened?" Steven asked. "Er - if you wish to say that is. Understand if you'd rather keep it private."

"It... it's not so much that anything happened. Nothing happened," Stark said, carefully. "To me. Or to her. It's just... things changed. For me. Us. We aren't us. Not in the same way. Not together. It's... it's just taking time to get used to things being different."

"You mean you and Summer?" Steven guessed. Odds were pretty good that was the "her" Stark meant but again Steven didn't want to assume.

Were there any other hers that Stark would speak of without naming and expect anyone to know who he meant?

"Yes," he said simply. "Things changed, again. Not because of anything that happened, or didn't. They just changed. After she was a squirrel but it wasn't because she was a squirrel and I didn't expect it and it's a change and I'm trying not to be weird about it." His mouth quirked a little at the word 'weird.'

"I've been confused and lonely but I'm adjusting."

And last night had certainly helped by making things both more and less confusing!

Steven did his best to try to follow that. "What changed between you, exactly?"

"She...she didn't want a boyfriend anymore," Stark said softly.

Right before their anniversary!

"So we aren't together, anymore. I'm just me, on my own, but she's still the best friend I have. Have ever had."

Would ever have, probably.

Steven knew that his own feelings about what Stark said were not the point right now, so he did his best to only let concern show.

"I see," he said. "That - I know she meant a great deal to you. I'm sorry you're hurting."

"It's...it could be worse. It's been worse. I've been worse."

Stark shook his head a little.

"I am all right, really. It's taking some time but it is getting better. I'll be better. It hurts but it's different than before and we're both still here and that's important. It just wasn't right, now. Not right now."

Maybe some day. Or in another life.

"The hurt is already better than it was. We're...we'll be okay."

"A... mutual separation then?" Steven guessed, based on how Stark was describing it.

"It was her idea," Stark said, with another headshake. "I didn't know...but I want her to be happy. I never, never want to be something that makes her unhappy. I don't want to be a burden."

"I can understand that," Steven said, since he'd had his own feelings about that when he and Llewellyn had first gotten together. "If you care for someone you want them to be happy, even if that's at the expense of your own happiness."

Stark nodded then. "If it didn't work for both of us then it didn't work. And it did. I think. I thought it did and I thought she thought it did. Until it didn't anymore and I don't really understand why."

It was very confusing when someone said you were very good at being a boyfriend and so you had to not be in a relationship anymore!

"Sometimes people change," Steven offered. Not that he had any specific insight into Stark and Summer's situation, but it was true in general. "What worked a year ago doesn't work now, that sort of thing."

"It was almost a year," Stark said, a little sadly. "I had a trip planned. For that. We didn't go."

Would have been too weird and too awkward and zero fun for anyone.

"She said I was good, very good, at being a boyfriend. She just...didn't want to have one anymore."

Steven looked like he had a thought about that but wasn't certain if he should say it. Instead he went with, "I'm sorry about your holiday. Must have been disappointing to find out it wasn't going to happen."

Stark gave Steven a curious look for a moment then shrugged.

"Better it happened before we went away, I think. It would have been worse later. But it's still...it's odd. An adjustment. But I'll be fine. I'm already more fine than I was."

"That's good," Steven said. He looked around. "Your teaching helps? Gives you something new to focus on?"

"I'm trying to keep busy. With this, and the classes I signed up to take."

And he was once again thinking about getting a dog.

"It's always easier when I can keep myself busy so I don't think too much."

"Maybe a holiday for yourself?" Steven suggested. "Not the same one you'd originally planned, but something that's entirely about what you like?"

"I don't like traveling alone," Stark said. "I get... worried."

Because he worried too much and also there was that time he got Banik-napped and ended up in Scarran cold storage and that was enough to make a guy nervous.

"And it's just better with someone else there."

"Worried about what?" Steven asked. "You planned that trip to Ireland by yourself, didn't you?"

"But I wasn't going alone. The planning can be fun. Especially when it's a surprise. But going somewhere alone and being somewhere alone...I worry about everything, Steven. You've met me."

"I know," Steven said, with sympathy. "Suppose it's not my place to speak about doing things alone since I never am. But I don't like the idea of your life being so limited that way. Not able to enjoy a holiday just for you. Or even an afternoon outing to a museum or the like."

"I just prefer having company."

And/or backup.

"I could go somewhere but I don't want to. Not alone. Sharing things like that is better. Like on the trips with the school. There's always others there even if i go off to look at something alone."

Stark gave s crooked smile. "But thank you. For caring."

"All right," Steven said. "Long as that's what you want. And - "

Steven thought about whether he should keep going but then decided to risk it. "I hope you're not beating yourself up about it all. Sounds to me like it wasn't anything you did wrong."

"I'm trying not to," Stark said. "That's gotten easier, at least. Much easier than the last time something ended but this is very very different than that."

"That's good," Steven said, looking relieved. "That it's easier. I know she meant a great deal to you but I hate to think of you in pain. Not that you shouldn't mourn what you feel you've lost. But hopefully it's not the sort of thing that leaves you hurting for years to come, yeah?"

"She still does," Stark pointed out. "She always will. And it's...it's not that. Nothing like before. And it's not, I wouldn't call it mourning. Not really. It's just...adjusting. To the change. It's a shift but we've had those before and this is just a different one."

He mostly believed what he was saying, too.

"She's not lost. I was at her apartment last night, with pickles. And I'll see her later and I'll see her tomorrow and it's just all different but not as different as I had feared it might be."

"I meant the loss of the romantic relationship," Steven said. Though once again he felt as though he might not ever fully wrap his head around what was going on with Stark and Summer. "I - I suppose it's good you're still friends?"

The question was because he didn't know if friends was the right word.

"If I lost her as a friend," Stark said after a moment, "I wouldn't know what to do. We're still friends. And that is good. Undeniably."

They were just complicated people with a complicated relationship that was extremely ill-defined at this time. What's confusing about that?

"And that is a loss, yes, but it doesn't...I felt Zhaan die, the first time I lost her. I was there. Nobody died. Nobody left. Not this time. It's a very different sort of loss and I'm still learning how this change works."

"Yes," Steven said. "No one dying is certainly good. And you never know what the future might bring. I thought me and Marc being what we are might mean never finding love again. Turns out it's more about finding the right person. One who loves and cares for you as you are."

"The future is never set," Stark said. "Even when you think it is. Easier not to try and plan for things, I think. And...I'm not looking. But then I never was."

"Time to get to know more about yourself, maybe," Steven said. "I've been doing the same. Trying to figure out what I am other than - than, er, what I am."

Steven gave Stark a look that said hopefully he followed what Steven just said.

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Finding New Hobbies, Tuesday 5/20, Period 1

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