fandomhigh | Culinary Crimes; Tuesday, Second Period [05/18].

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culinary crimes

Culinary Crimes; Tuesday, Second Period [05/18].

"Hey, everyone!" How could Summer not be excited and thrilled for what was definitely her favorite day of the week now, especially after last week had been so, so satisfying? "Welcome back! I hope you've all brought your appetites...and your antacids!...because today's we're actually going to be be focusing on three...that's right, three!...recipes that focus on ease and convenience and feature the sodium-rich goodness of packaged meats."

Because that was always a sentence that would inspire a lot of hope for what was about to happen, right?

"They're all pretty easy, too, so time will definitely not be an issue, but I know you're all eager to see what I've got for you all today. And, don't worry, Liam," Summer's smile went particularly sweet ~~assuming he was there~~. "I've got vegan hot dogs and bologna, too, so you don't have to miss out on all the fun!"

What a time to be alive!

"Alright, guys. Let's get started!"

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"We're going to start with the two that need to sit for a bit in the fridge and the freezer," Summer ventured, because, that's right folks, you were getting a tasty frozen treat today!, "so that they can do their chilling thing while we work on the third recipe, which will easily be the most involved."

Whether or not that was a sign of its quality was yet to be revealed!

"So our first one is a classic, really, that you may have made before if you've taken one of my classes...or even been to the bar on a certain night, I'm pretty sure I've done this recipe but with vodka at least once....but anyway, go ahead and grab your jello and a can of Spaghetti-O's because we're going to be making a Spaghetti-O's ring! It's actually a really easy, and the hot dogs don't come in until later because that's what we'll use to garnish it, but let's go ahead and get some water going and get ready to make some magic!"

Once that was done and everyone's jello was squared away to cool, it was time to move onto the next one.

"Next on the list today? Beenie Weenie Popsicles! That's right, we're going to switch out our Spaghetti-O's for some baked beans, put it in with some cut up hot dogs, pop these bad boys in the freezer, and that's pretty much eat! Who knew eating so well could be this easy, am I right? No gelatin even required for this one, though I do like to mix some ketchup into mine to really round out the flavor, but I'm sure you can experiment with different condiments, if you'd like. Please experiment with different condiments, actually, there's plenty of popsicle molds to go around, so we definitely have options!

"Last but not least," Summer said, once both fridge and freezer had been tainted thoroughly, "we move onto dessert! Well, not really, but it is a cake! A bologna cake, to be specific! Cream cheese, worcestershire sauce, Ritz crackers, and Cheez-Whiz garnish? Oh, boy, are we in for a treat with this one! It's a little more involved, and if you want to decorate your cake creatively, I encourage that. I've seen olives in a few recipes, which could be a nice touch, but you're all a pretty creative lot, I'm sure you can really think of something to take your meat cake to the next level!"

At least the Spaghetti-o recipe wasn't a surprise. It had been seen before and that made it less terrible. That, and the fact that it wasn't meant as a shot this time. Stark could handle that one, though a bit reluctantly.

The Popsicles, on the other hand, were not familiar or appealing in any way and he spent most of the time he was assembling them muttering to himself.

And then there was the cake. "This one seems the least offensive," Stark said. After all, none of the ingredients made for a horrifying combination. "No reason to make it into a cake. Could be a sandwich." A slightly odd but not entirely unreasonable sandwich! "But it shouldn't pretend to be cake."

"I really think," said Summer, considering the ingredients fondly, "that all of these recipes that insist on being something that they aren't are really part of their charm, though, Stark."

Stark took his desserts very seriously, Summer!

"You would. You picked them out. Where do you even find these things?"

Summer shrugged a little. "The internet?" she offered. "I literally just type 'horrible vintage recipes' into google and see where the rabbit hole leads me."

In case you needed any more proof that the internet was a vast and dangerous place.

She broke out into a grin.

"Just wait until you see what I've stumbled across for the next summer session!"

She'd found another theme this morning, and was very excited about it.

"How concerned should I be?" Stark asked.

He suspected the answer was "very."

He was also maybe going to Google horrible recipes later just to see what happened.

Summer considered this, tilting her head, and reminded herself of Stark's particular tastes, inclinations, and commentary thus far.

"Oh," she said, confirming the narrative with gusto, "very."

And you were going to get so many sad faces over the bar if you didn't join her in her decent into madness, Stark. So many.

"I thought you might say that," Stark said, shaking his head little.

"I may have to see for myself."

He was almost certainly going to regret saying that.

Nina was... well. Not surprised.

The first one she was pretty sure she’d been forced to endure before. The second one was getting a lot of side-eye though.

“Can I, like, skip the second one???????????”

Because ewwwww.

“I’ll do the third!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Because that was really not that weird even if it was made with sandwich meat.

"Oh, come now, Nina," said Ignis, in a tone about as dry as the heaves he threatened himself with by thinking too much about any of these at any given moment, "it's only frozen congealed beans and questionable meat product on a stick, what's not to love?"

Edited 2021-05-18 14:30 (UTC)

“Tell you what, Iggy,” Nina said generously. “You make them exactly as Summer’s recipe lays out, eat an entire one, and then try and sell me on them again, okay?????????”

She knew this was a possibly a dangerous game since Iggy was competitive as hell but, like, if she had to eat them she’d feel better knowing he’d done it first just to lie to her that they were edible.

Ignis was rather competitive, yes, but he was not stupid. A good strategists knew better than to engage in battles one was sure to lose.

"I'm quite certain that attempting to eat an entire one of those would only prove to dissuade you further," he admitted, positive that no one could sell that.

"However..."

A more reasonable goal has struck him.

"I will subject myself to injesting the entirety of one if you agree to at least a bite...a decent one, too, no dainty, lady-like nibbles!.. for yourself."

Someone was very used to using bargaining as a tool to coerce certain someones into trying new foods or even familiar vegetables!

Edited 2021-05-18 17:18 (UTC)

Okay, but like, Ignis had to concede that Nina’s objection here had more merit than basically all of Noct’s combined, right?

“I’m not a petulant child,” she said, amused. “And we’re both going to regret this but, like, you’re on!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ewwwwwww.

Oh, Nina's objections were perfectly justified. He'd be far more concerned if there had been none at all to begin with!

But that didn't mean he wouldn't take a great deal of personal enjoyment just to see the look on her face from the one bite. And he figured, if he could suffer through as many Cup Noodles^TM as he had, he could survive this as well. He would just try to keep his mind focused on the fact that yesterday's meal had been good enough to make up for today's offenses...

"Excellent," he said, grinning faintly down at her, "then we have a deal. I would say I'm looking forward to it, but..."

He trailed off, figuring there was no need to finish that thought outloud.

Nina shuddered theatrically.

“Well, then, it’s settled,” she said sounding a bit dismal even though she returned that smile. “I’m going to work on the........ cake thing while you deal with making——“

The worst popsicles.

She trailed off with a gesture at the cooking station.

Clare was familiar with packaged meat! She was not familiar with turning them into popsicles.

"Sweet and merciful Jesus," she muttered to herself as she added HP sauce to her beans (HP sauce would save most things), "Michelle wouldn't even eat this."

These recipes were a challenge. Not physically, but psychologically. Hannibal was reasonably certain this counted as torture.

He was proud of you, Summer. Disgusted, but proud.

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Culinary Crimes; Tuesday, Second Period [05/18].

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