fandomhigh | Humanoid Health and First Aid, Wednesday, Period 1

Entry tags:

health

Humanoid Health and First Aid, Wednesday, Period 1

The students gathering in the Danger Shop for their first Health and First Aid class would find the space empty, just a large room with undecorated, metal walls. Only a piece of white printer paper with "Humanoid Health and First Aid" written on it in sharpie let them know they were in the right place. There was nary a teacher in sight for several long minutes.

Anyone who subscribed to the theory of "if the teacher's fifteen minutes late you're allowed to go home" would be quite disappointed when, at minute 14, Cristina stumbled through the door, looking harried and extremely put out.

"I keep telling you, I didn't sign up to teach any high school class! I barely put up with teaching residents, and they at least went to medical school!"

The sound of chittering echoed away down the hall. Cristina threw her hands in the air.

"See if I give any of you IV fluids the next time you come into the clinic with a hangover!"

The door to the Danger Shop slid shut with a whirr and a disconcertingly final *click*. Cristina let out a long suffering sigh and turned to face the class.

"Okay, the fact that any of you are even still here after your teacher had to get herded in by squirrels is just, like, clear proof that you're all idiots. But apparently if I don't want to be bombarded by acorns and bad mouthed on the radio, I've got to teach you idiots how handle traumas, so . . . congratulations on your ridiculously overqualified teacher."

Yup, this class was going to be awesome.

"Right, so." She looked around the room, frowning. What the hell was she even supposed to use in here? "I'm Dr. Cristina Yang. I'm a board certified cardiothoracic surgeon, which means that I repair hearts and lungs. Or I would, anyway, except I'm stuck in magical exile on an island that likes to kidnap and traumatize people." She heaved a sigh. "Which, alright, fine, is a good reason for you all to know some basic techniques. I'm not a trauma surgeon by trade, but I was married to one for a long time, and I have a fair amount of experience with field work, so they could have made a worse choice for teaching this class, at least."

Someone very short pounded on the door. It opened just a crack, and a piece of paper slid in. Cristina picked it up.

"This says that the first week is supposed to involve introductions." She looked back up at the students. "You're welcome to try, but I am not going to bother learning your names unless you prove it's worth knowing. Probably not by wowing me with your knowledge, since you're high schoolers, but, I dunno, by kissing up and bringing me coffee each week or something. For today I think I'll quiz you on some basic health questions and call you by . . . I'm going to go with Spice Girl names. Because that will entertain me." She pointed to one of the students. "We'll start with you."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

All hearty and hale

Norman Babcock

Sabine Wren

Astrid Magnussen

Nell Ingram

Simon Spier

Paris Geller

Why is anyone letting this woman teach.

Norman at least had the good grace to not laugh as he watched the new teacher get herded into the room by squirrels. Okay, that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the semester, right there.

Such as they are. Get your Spice name and question here:

Norman Babcock - Gothy Spice - What's the largest organ in the human body?
Paris Geller - Nerdy Spice - How much blood does the average human have?
Nell Ingram - Baby Spice - How many chambers does the human heart have?
Astrid Magnussen - Hipster Spice - What part of the body does a podiatrist specialize in?
Simon Spier - Preppy Spice - How long can the average human go without water?
Sabine Wren - Artsy Spice - How many bones are in the average human spine?

Gothy Spice? Norman was a little baffled by that one. A little.

... Then again, he did spend a lot of time just hanging around the graveyard, chatting with the locals. He'd give that one a pass.

"Isn't the largest organ actually the skin?" He paused. "Unless you mean internal organs. Then it's the liver, I think."

He'd, um. He'd seen a few. He had a feeling he was going to be answering questions from experience a lot, this semester.

"Right on both counts. I'd say I should rename you Brainy Spice, but knowing way too much about dead bodies is totally up Gothy Spice's alley. Try not to get too excited when we get to the gross anatomy section."

Did most health and first aid classes include a gross anatomy section? Cristina didn't care. You were all going to dissect the closest thing to human bodies as she could get.

"I'll try to contain my delight," Norman replied, in a total deadpan. Hey, he'd take Brainy Spice just as well as Gothy Spice, just so long as he wasn't Freaky Spice or something.

"And now you're making a campaign for Snarky Spice." Cristina shook her head. "Don't, kid. I'm already the Snark Queen."

He'd have to get really freaky for it to come to that. If he just wasn't freaked out too much by blood and guts she'd consider him a decent candidate for med school.

If he ended up talking to what she saw as thin air, well. Then the "Freaky" name might come out.

Sabine had been trying to learn what she could about the Lainey and culture here, but she had no idea what a Spice Girl was.

She had to think about it, and didn't know the answer, but she knew what at least a drawing of a spine looked like. "About thirty?"

"Oh! So close. Thirty-three to be exact. But a bunch of the ones in the coccyx and sacrum are fused so I guess I'll give it to you."

Well, Astrid also didn't know anything about Spice Girls (she'd juuuust missed that one by about two years, but, interestingly, true enough to the more contemporary interpretation of her nickname, would have very much ignored and dismissed them), but she could hardly object to the Kerouacian implications of the title given to her. Nor did she necessarily think she wanted to.

"That's the foot," she stated, "obviously."

Something about Dr. Yang's demeanor definitely sparked up the usually dormant defiant side of Astrid. Well, dormant half the time, anyway, since about half the teachers at this school seemed to rub that out of her. She also felt her question was significantly easier than some of the others, which she wasn't sure was just chance or being purposely served a softball.

"See, now, you'd think that would be obvious. But you can't imagine how many people think they're the kid doctors."

"But that's pediatrics," said Astrid, though, yes, Astrid, she probably knew that, "not pediatry, I don't think that's a real word, but I guess I can see why someone might think that it was and get them confused. Pediatry, podiatry. But even then, you said what part of the body, and kids aren't a part of the body."

Well, maybe if you were pregnant, but who was she to get pedantic?

Cough.

Edited 2018-08-29 15:05 (UTC)

"Yes," Cristina said ~~not very~~ patiently. "But they're idiots." She shook her head. "Enjoy that righteous indignation against ignorance, kid. You'll miss it when it's been burned out of you by the world."

Nell was too stunned - and thrilled - by having yet another female teacher - take that, stuffy old church elders! - to wonder much about being called Baby Spice, much less wondering who the Spice Girls were. They were probably people who sold spices at the local market or something and part of her brain wondered about what she might be able to barter with them for.

She did collect herself enough to be able to answer the question. "Four. The Right and left ventricles and the right and left atriums."

Cristina pursed her lips, impressed despite herself. "Look at Baby Spice, whipping out the knowledge. Now, do you know what the different chambers do?"

"I'm not so good on all the particulars," Nell admitted, "but I know they pump blood around the body. One pumps it into the lungs to get oxygen and the other sends it around the body."

"I guess that's all you really need to know if you're not going into cardiothoracics," Cristina allowed. "And you're at least one up on most teenagers just knowing what they're called."

"Thank you?" Nell thought it was mostly a compliment, but she was still a little stunned by the whole female with amazing education and authority. This was nothing like home and it was wonderful!

"You're welcome," Cristina said, waving in a gracious, albeit condescending manner. "Go . . . treat yourself to a cookie or something."

"Three weeks?" Simon ventured, idly wondering how he'd gotten saddled with "Preppy" (and completely unwilling to admit the ways it was probably accurate), because cutting right back in with, "No! No, that's food. Uh, uh, three or four days."

"Good, I was about to be really worried about your future children." Said the woman who had no desire for children ever. "Or, like, pets."

"Sorry, I, uh. Sorry." Simon winced. "I swear I know what I'm talking about."

... As long as you believe that, Simon.

"You're in high school, you have no idea what you're talking about, like, ever." Cristina shook her head with a sigh. "Skip the 'or four' next time. Frankly, I've been at the tail end of a couple days without water, and trust me, even if I could have made it to day four, I wouldn't have wanted to."

She would have anyway, because fuck the world, she was a survivor. But she wouldn't have liked it.

Simon had to admit that "You're in high school, etc." was... pretty fair.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I know I've seen, like, 'a hundred hours' thrown around, but it probably depends a lot on where you are and what you're doing, too, right?"

"Among other things, like how well your kidneys function, yeah," Cristina said. "But your body can start damaging itself after only a few hours in the wrong environment, so, you know. Drink water. And don't be an idiot."

"If you squeeze the heart out, or how much passes through it in a day?" Paris asked. "Because those are different answers."

"I mean your average-size buddy's on the floor with a class 3 hemorrhage, how much blood is he losing 30 to 40 percent of while you're wondering if you should wring his heart out like a sponge?"

"Three ounces a heartbeat," Paris said. "So you've got about a minute not to screw this up." She smiled. "I'm thinking about medical school."

. . . Oh Nerdy Spice, she'd named you well.

"Insider tip: don't try to squeeze the hearts until instructed to do so."

"Gotcha," Paris said, writing that down. "Will we get to do that eventually?"

"In here?" Cristina looked around. "Not unless I get a cadaver hook-up for an anatomy lesson."

Yeah, she had no idea what the Danger Shop was or did.

"Unless you count CPR. In which case, probably next week."

"I know CPR," Paris said promptly because of course she did.

"We'll see next week."

Best brush up, Paris, 'cause Cristina was now going to check your technique in extreme detail.

She is absolutely going to judge everything you say, but sure. It could be worth a shot.

Spice Girl names subject to change as Cristina's opinion of your character changes. But otherwise, she's remarkably consistent when she assigns people stupid nicknames.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Humanoid Health and First Aid, Wednesday, Period 1

Sign in

Re: Sign in

Re: Sign in

Re: Sign in

Re: Sign in

Re: Sign in

Re: Sign in

Listen to the lecture

Re: Listen to the lecture

Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Re: Introductions

Talk to Cristina

OOC