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Lies Your Other American History Teachers Told You, Friday

There was just the one teacher at the head of the class, but he was looking chipper. It might have been the coffee.

It was probably the coffee.

"Welcome to class," he said, smiling at them. "My name is Tony Stark. Captain Rogers isn't able to be here today, but you will meet him next week."

For HYDRA related reasons.

"This is Lies Your Other American History Teachers Told You, so we will be looking at the more neglected parts of US history and the widely accepted misconceptions about historical events in this country." Which probably meant less political rants? Maybe? "But, it's Friday and you've spent all week doing introductions, so let's make this easy. I have a list of fun history facts, not just about the US, so pick one that appeals to you and tell us your name, okay?"

Right to the point, this one.

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Ready for some knowledge.

Gratuity Tucci

Bobby Drake

Norman Babcock

Paris Geller

They were all so good!

"I'm Gratuity Tucci," Tip said. "And in 1979, President Jimmy Carter went swimming and got attacked by a giant rabbit."

It was simple, succinct, and beautifully surreal. Tip loved it.

"Always a good one," Tony replied cheerfully. Because even he had yet to fight giant rabbits. "Up there with the time former Vice President Dick Cheney shot a man while hunting."

". . . That doesn't sound like it has quite the same charm."

"It did at the time?" Tony ventured. "Dark humor."

"If you say so."

You were getting some serious side-eye from the 15 year old, Tony.

Tony shrugged because sometimes you needed to laugh or you'd just cry. "Welcome to the class, Gratuity."

... He’d get to the actual class exercise in a moment, but first: “Are you actually Tony Stark?” he asked, squinting suspiciously. Because Stark? Teaching high school? Bobby thought that was pretty much just a mutant superhero thing.

Tony hummed and nodded at that. "Well, I'm a Tony Stark. I take it there's one where you're from."

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m a Bobby Drake,” he introduced himself. “... There’s two of me where I’m from. And I liked the fact about Andrew Jackson’s swearing parrot!” Because of course he would.

"Two of you?" He'd circle back to the parrot later.

“Time travel thing,” Bobby supplied helpfully. “Me and my friends were brought forward from the past.” For reasons!

"...alright," Tony replied, nodding along with it. "Time paradox. I feel you."

"That's why I'm here, really," Bobby explained. "I mean, so far the future's great with the tiny pocket phones and the whole TV channels about food but I was hoping maybe this class would help me catch up on some of the other stuff I should probably know since I'm living in the future now."

"We will try our very best," Tony promised. "I'll let Captain Rogers know to look out for you since he's been in the same boat."

"I'm Norman Babcock," Norman said, giving a little wave to the class, "and I kind of like the one about 'Operation Paul Bunyan,' where they sent... basically an entire army and then some, just to cut down a tree."

A lot of the rest were just depressing. Flaming monkeys? Bombs strapped to dogs? C'mon, people.

People sort of were the worst. But it was always important to know these things.

"Norman, good to meet you. That's a good one to pick. Did you also see the one where the army left with 80 and returned with 81 because they made a friend?"

"The random Italian friend, right?" Norman smiled a little at that. "I liked that one, too. The silly ones, where nobody really gets hurt."

He'd seen the wrong end of what happened when things went terrible. He'd seen it a lot. Silly happy endings were kind of his jam. Well. Those and horror movies, but that was different.

"We will keep that in mind with the lesson plans." But American history was awful, so...

Norman gave his head a little shake.

"I liked the silly ones, but I'm here for the honest ones," he replied. "Even if honest is ugly. I want to know how things really happened. I've seen serious history trivialized to the point of being novelty before."

"Even better. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it an all," he said with a knowing sort of smile.

"And nothing can get better if you never stop to acknowledge what went wrong in the first place," Norman agreed. "So... it's important. Even when it isn't necessarily fun."

"I'm Paris Geller and of course if there are only two cars on the road in Ohio, they ran into each other. Of course that happened."

"Well, the midwest." Ohio counted as the midwest, right? Right.

"Lot of idiots out there," Paris said, nodding. "I've heard. I'm not going further into flyover country than the Poconos."

"Probably for the best. I had a layover in Iowa and it was the worst day possible." It might have been Illinois? They all blurred together.

All the I states were basically the same. Everyone knew that. "You were being punished for something," Paris said, nodding. "Or you were running for President. Those are the only reasons to be in Iowa."

Bribe him with more coffee. It'll help.

I almost completely overslept this morning.

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Lies Your Other American History Teachers Told You, Friday

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