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fandomhigh2014-03-07 04:36 am
holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2014-03-07 04:36 am
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The Modern Workplace and You: Friday, Period 1
An important thing students might notice today was that the skinnier crazy teacher was absent. This was because Cheryl was off having the mother of all bad trips.
That probably wasn't the first thing they noticed, though. The first thing was going to be the larger, blonder teacher excitedly running laps around the outside of the classroom, only stopping periodically by her desk in order to pick up a large cellophane-wrapped package full of a white powder and shovel some spoonfuls directly into her mouth.
Pam's laps had choo-choo sounds effects, like she was the world's lamest dairy train. Oh, and in case there was any mystery at all about the substance -- or, say, if you were clinging to some feeble hope that that was sugar -- she was also screaming out "COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!"
Once enough students filtered in, Pam decided to begin teaching class. So she stopped the laps abruptly and turned to address the students with twitchy eyes.
"Hi-everyone-welcome-back-to-class!" she said, all in one breath. "Cheryl's on a bad trip and I'm on cocaine. Cocaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaine!"
That was going to be another spontaneous lap. It was hard to stay focused when you were this fucking high!!!!
"Anyway! I can teach by myself! We're going to talk about HR! YAY HR!!!" Pam waved her hands in the air excitedly. "HR is the best job ever! You get to go through employee files and gossip about them! Let's say someone asks for a leave of absence! You can ask why! It's your job to know! And she might tell you it's to have surgery on that weird cyst on her back! And then you get to tell everyone that Jane's got an ugly cyst on her back!!"
HR WAS SERIOUSLY EXCITING. ESPECIALLY ON COCAINE.
"Or let's say Lana has herpes! And then you know not to bang Lana! Not that Lana was going to bang you anyway! But that's a dealbreaker! Except she doesn't! And this is useful information to have! Especially if you want to write a popular gossip blog! Or start banging your co-workers! Because you know what's wonderful, guys? COCAINE!"
Pam wriggled her hips and sang out an improv jazz number, drumming on the desk to accompany the do-bop scatting. Say, did she look thinner? She'd dropped about ten pounds. Not on purpose or anything. Mostly from not eating (well, not eating food) and running laps while crazy fucking high.
"Oh! Oh! And you can blackmail people! Let's say you know someone got herpes and they're banging someone else and now that person's at risk for herpes! You make them pay you or you'll tell!! Or you get creative, like making them star in one of the pornos you're filming in the bathroom! Or you get them to buy you cocaine! I love cocaine!"
They might have gotten that impression, Pam.
"So team up!!! Blackmail each other! Blackmail me! Write up gossip! Make a gossip blog and tweet updates! Interview each other for dark secrets you can use! And then you can get money! And you can use money for more cocaine!"
Pam finished the lecture by shoving her entire face into the package, as if it was a feedbag, and excitedly nomming away, with loud, happy snarfing sounds. Just chowing down some cocaine. Might not resurface for a while.
............. So yeah. That happened.
(Huge WARNING for drug use. Pam is now AU'd into her season 5 self, who is -- and I'm being serious here -- just outright eating whole kilos of cocaine. My canon is so wonderfully fucked up, you guys. Flying solo because the lovely![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
notmysupervisor is AFK. Wait for OCD!)
That probably wasn't the first thing they noticed, though. The first thing was going to be the larger, blonder teacher excitedly running laps around the outside of the classroom, only stopping periodically by her desk in order to pick up a large cellophane-wrapped package full of a white powder and shovel some spoonfuls directly into her mouth.
Pam's laps had choo-choo sounds effects, like she was the world's lamest dairy train. Oh, and in case there was any mystery at all about the substance -- or, say, if you were clinging to some feeble hope that that was sugar -- she was also screaming out "COCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!"
Once enough students filtered in, Pam decided to begin teaching class. So she stopped the laps abruptly and turned to address the students with twitchy eyes.
"Hi-everyone-welcome-back-to-class!" she said, all in one breath. "Cheryl's on a bad trip and I'm on cocaine. Cocaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaine!"
That was going to be another spontaneous lap. It was hard to stay focused when you were this fucking high!!!!
"Anyway! I can teach by myself! We're going to talk about HR! YAY HR!!!" Pam waved her hands in the air excitedly. "HR is the best job ever! You get to go through employee files and gossip about them! Let's say someone asks for a leave of absence! You can ask why! It's your job to know! And she might tell you it's to have surgery on that weird cyst on her back! And then you get to tell everyone that Jane's got an ugly cyst on her back!!"
HR WAS SERIOUSLY EXCITING. ESPECIALLY ON COCAINE.
"Or let's say Lana has herpes! And then you know not to bang Lana! Not that Lana was going to bang you anyway! But that's a dealbreaker! Except she doesn't! And this is useful information to have! Especially if you want to write a popular gossip blog! Or start banging your co-workers! Because you know what's wonderful, guys? COCAINE!"
Pam wriggled her hips and sang out an improv jazz number, drumming on the desk to accompany the do-bop scatting. Say, did she look thinner? She'd dropped about ten pounds. Not on purpose or anything. Mostly from not eating (well, not eating food) and running laps while crazy fucking high.
"Oh! Oh! And you can blackmail people! Let's say you know someone got herpes and they're banging someone else and now that person's at risk for herpes! You make them pay you or you'll tell!! Or you get creative, like making them star in one of the pornos you're filming in the bathroom! Or you get them to buy you cocaine! I love cocaine!"
They might have gotten that impression, Pam.
"So team up!!! Blackmail each other! Blackmail me! Write up gossip! Make a gossip blog and tweet updates! Interview each other for dark secrets you can use! And then you can get money! And you can use money for more cocaine!"
Pam finished the lecture by shoving her entire face into the package, as if it was a feedbag, and excitedly nomming away, with loud, happy snarfing sounds. Just chowing down some cocaine. Might not resurface for a while.
............. So yeah. That happened.
(Huge WARNING for drug use. Pam is now AU'd into her season 5 self, who is -- and I'm being serious here -- just outright eating whole kilos of cocaine. My canon is so wonderfully fucked up, you guys. Flying solo because the lovely
notmysupervisor is AFK. Wait for OCD!)
The TA Is Still Around [3-7]