fandomhigh | How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, March 4, 2014]

How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, March 4, 2014]

A ridiculously tanned Anakin stood in front of the class today with an easy smile on his face. "Hopefully you all enjoyed your vacations as much as I did."

Hot weather and the water were never going to be anything but a magical combination for Anakin.

"But back to work today," he concluded as the Danger Shop filled with big eyed ~~lemurs~~ Lurmen. "Meet the Lurmen--a race of pacifists native to my galaxy. Their homeworld has been invaded by an occupying force. You are there with the class and the Lurmen are absolutely refusing to fight back. The nearest army to help defend the Lurmen are a two day flight away: what should we do?"

Anakin smiled ruefully. "And you can't ask me. During this particular mission, I was fighting off a fairly massive concussion."

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"Well, okay, I can't guarantee that I could, but don't underestimate the power of bullshit. I walk up to them under a white flag, say I'm representing the opposition and want to parlay, and just talk as long as they'll listen. Assuming they don't just shoot me right off the bat, of course."

GETTING SHOT WAS NOT AN OPTION, JOKER.

And the look on Elsa's face seemed to say about as much, too. Somewhere between horrified and stern.

"If we're going to go that route, we either find somebody who can survive that sort of risk, or some way to make absolutely certain you do," she stressed. "Getting ourselves killed doesn't do these people any favors, either."

Correction: Getting shot was not an option unless it was important.

"I'm not really comfortable delegating this one," Joker told her. "Someone else is just gonna screw it up. Come up with a better plan, or else get me a bodyguard. This is all the Danger Shop, anyway. I'll be fine."

He shrugged. "Besides... I'm joining the military when I graduate. This is the sort of thing I might have to... Oh, hey! Better plan! Where are the ships these people landed in? Let's steal a few and rip shit up!"

Well, hello, mental whiplash. Elsa actually stood there in silence for a moment, trying to process just how swiftly the course of the topic had switched over.

"... Steal their ships? Can we do that? Do you think they'll be left unguarded? I... suppose they are expecting their opponents to be pacifists..."

"Not unguarded, no. They're not idiots. But... lightly guarded, probably. We'd need someone with combat skills. And there's the problem of unlocking them, too -- do they have keys, or a password, or what?"

"Never mind that, is there someone who knows how to make them work in the first place? Can you?"

Were they the same as the ships from Joker's own time? Were they even remotely intuitive? Was she overthinking a simulation that was clearly started to keep them occupied while the teacher took a nap?

"Though... if it worked, it would be..." Hugely irresponsible? Insanely dangerous? "... I can't picture it working. But I think I want it to."

Joker shrugged. "I don't know how things work in Professor Skywalker's universe, no... but there's a decent chance I'll be able to figure it out. And once I do... well, our problems are solved."

"Unless they brought an armada?"

Elsa was a spoilsport sometimes. Sorry, Joker.

Joker considered that. "How big of an armada?" Because, you know, best damn pilot in the history of ever.*

* Will be. Once he's been trained.

Edited 2014-03-04 22:32 (UTC)

"The sort of armada you bring with you when you're looking to take over an entire planet," Elsa replied.

An entire planet of pacifists, sure, but still. Planets were pretty big.

Joker blinked at her. "Dammit! I hate it that you're right!" He looked around. "We're not talking a colony world, with one city and a bunch of empty, are we? They'd need an insane number of ground troops if they wanted to make this a land war, which means a bunch of huge-ass ships in orbit, which means we're screwed."

"Professor Skywalker said that this was the Lurmen's homeworld," Elsa confirmed, sighing. "Not a colony, a planet that they've called home from the very start. They might be pacifists, but still, the numbers that would be needed to overthrow them all with any sort of speed or efficiency..."

She frowned a little.

"We might need to put our negotiation skills to the test, as much as I'd like to make off with one of the enemy's ships..."

"It could work if we had the right team," Victor offered, since this discussion was becoming far more interesting than watching Anakin nap. "Like, my powers are really good for getting into a spaceship and starting it up. But I can't do that and keep the guards busy, and I'm not exactly a professional pilot."

He could fly the Leapfrog, but it tended to be a pretty jerky experience for all involved.

"And I'm not exactly a fighter," Elsa replied, frowning thoughtfully. "I mean, unless we can win a fight by quoting geometry textbooks at the invading forces."

A beat.

"I suppose I could try to provide a diversion all the same. I could..." She had no idea. "... Sing at them? They'd probably be confused enough for someone to slip by, but I doubt it would last long."

"But confusion might be enough," Victor speculated. "The Lurmen are pacifists, right? Might be easier to get them to help us if we didn't start by killing a bunch of people just trying to do their jobs." A beat. "Er, even if that job is being an invader."

"I have to wonder, too, just how deeply their pacifism runs," Elsa noted, glancing at the Lurmen for a moment before looking back to Victor. "I mean, I wouldn't expect them to ever take up arms, but are they the sort to speak up? Or to run? Or to simply sit down and wait to be conquered? How they react to the invaders is going to make a big difference to how easy they are to protect."

"Right, 'cause if they're just gonna lie down no matter what, it's a totally different situation from if they'll help us in ways that aren't fighting," Victor agreed. "It'll be harder to keep them safe until the army gets there if they don't want to stay safe."

"So much of what we do hinges on what sort of people the Lurmen are, and what sort of enemy their attacker is," Elsa sighed with a shake of her head. "I suppose at the very least, we know what we're capable of."

Okay, that wasn't entirely accurate, either. Elsa wasn't exactly advertising her powers, here.

Joker gave him a puzzled look. "Uhhhhhh... Just what did you think I was going to do with the ships?"

Victor shrugged. "Get the Lurmen onto them and away from the guys trying to take over their planet?" he suggested. "I dunno, man. I'm just saying, if the Lurmen think we're as bad as the invaders they might sabotage anything we try. We shouldn't draw first blood."

Joker weighed that. "...Oh. Yeah, okay, that's a good plan, too. I was thinking more along the lines of turning the ship's weapons on their camp before they had time to react. Wars aren't won by being nice, you know?"

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How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, March 4, 2014]

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