fandomhigh | How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, February 11, 2014]

How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, February 11, 2014]

"Right, so this weekend I apparently used my influence to blackmail and murder people," Anakin said dryly as he paced around the frozen simulation of a herd of zebras and two groups of people pointing spears at each other. "And for the record, as far as I'm aware, there's no diamond mine fortune to be found on this island. Today we're going to add a bit more violence to our negotiations."

He pointed at one group of people. "These guys think that zebras are black with white stripes." He pointed to the others. "They think they're white with black stripes. You have five minutes to brainstorm ideas before they start poking each other with those spears."

He clapped his hands together. "Go."

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Blackmailing or killing someone!

Elsa of Arendelle

Joker Moreau

Topher Brink

Korra

Cosette Fauchelevent

Victor Mancha

Mercy Thompson

Jessica Drew

Toby Logan

Yours is not to wonder why the hell they want to kill each other over the color of a zebra, but to stop them from doing it.

"What if you... come up with a third option?" Elsa looked a little bemused by the scenario, but she wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to contribute to a class when she actually knew what a zebra was. "What if we were to tell them that one half of all zebras are one, and the other half are all the other? Or perhaps point out that it all averages out to grey in the end, so it's hardly worth killing one another over?"

Diplomacy! And she thought those were rather more politic replies than what she was thinking, which was simply telling them that they were all being ridiculous, no colour scheme was worth murder.

Anakin smiled. "What happens if they both decide they've been tricked and turn on you?"

"... Then I suppose I get very good at running, very quickly," Elsa replied, a little wide-eyed. "I'm allergic to being skewered."

Most people were. Funny, that.

"Maybe I should include running laps in your homework," Anakin mused.

"That still has more to do with diplomacy than my business class has to do with business," Elsa decided after a moment of thought. "I think I could handle laps."

As opposed to the bare-knuckle free-for-all that Pam and Cheryl had expected last week Friday.

Well, they were in the most technical sense, out of the damn minds.

"I'll make sure I add it to the curriculum for next week."

They were going to love him!

Joker poked around on his omnitool for a few moments.

"Okay, so, a few thoughts," he said. "First of all, real actual scientists" -- he pointed to the glowing paragraphs of text floating in the air above his wrist -- "say that they're black with white stripes. Good enough for me, but when has science ever solved a debate? These people are willing to kill for their stupidity, so they're probably not going to just take a smarter person's word for it."

He turned the omnitool's screen off, because it waving around in the air every time he moved his arm was getting distracting.

"Secondly -- and, again, science, but more practical this time -- we could take, I dunno, twenty or so zebras, find a way to measure the surface areas of the the black and white stripes on each one, and average it out. We could get them involved, and have a team of one person from each side measuring each zebra. But I dunno how you'd measure, and that white underbelly is really gonna throw things off."

He shrugged. "But thirdly -- and, really, I think this is the most important point -- do all of you not have eyes? Because what I see are stripes that are dark brown and light cream."

"Well, what we think tends to have very little bearing when you're negotiating," Anakin said. "Most of the time you'll be thinking 'what a bunch of idiots.'"

Which was why Obi-Wan had handled most negotiations.

"What do you think would happen with the angry guys with pointy sticks if you tell them straight out that they're wrong?"

"Well, it depends," Joker answered. "A rational person, when confronted with enough evidence, will eventually... AHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah, no. We're gonna get slaughtered. Anyone bring a weapon?"

"Jedi always have at least one," Anakin said, "but the goal is to come up a solution that doesn't end up with everyone trying to kill the messenger."

"Well, sure, that's always the goal..."

Joker thought for a moments. "Okay, how about this: These people, which you've presented as caricatures, have a full and rich civilization outside of their stripe-related warfare. Is there something that they want or need that we can provide for them? Or, even better yet, something they each need from the other, so they can symbio... symbioti... symbiosi... synergize?"

"Very good," Anakin said, nodding. "Let's say that one has access to better water and grazing lands, but the other has the only real grove of trees in 50 kilometers. What would you do with that information?"

Joker frowned in thought. "I'd... probably try something along the lines of 'I will talk the other people into letting you use their trees if you agree to stop fighting over the damn stripey-horsies already'. I'd try to frame it as me bribing them, 'cause if honest negotiations were gonna work, they'd've done it already."

Victor wasn't too fond of the idea he came up with; it seemed to come from the part of his brain that was wired to be a supervillain someday. But he said it anyhow.

"Could we create a common enemy?" he wondered. "Blitz in there, make a big scene that doesn't actually hurt anyone, and get them so pissed off at us that they forget they were arguing with each other."

"So now you have two groups with spears chasing you and a herd of startled zebra," Anakin said. "What happens next?"

"Um." He hadn't really taken it that far. "I guess I go stand on something really tall and shout at the group to just chill out?"

Okay, so maybe this idea wasn't 'evil genius' so much as plain dumb, he thought.

Anakin laughed. "The nearest high ground is a half mile in front of you. Can you beat them there?"

"Me personally, yeah," Victor said hopefully. "I can fly. Somebody else, probably not."

Or don't, if that's what you've decided.

He's here for all of your non-diamond mine related questions.

People have fought over stupider things?

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How to Make Friends and Influence People [Tuesday, February 11, 2014]

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Brainstorm!

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Stop the violence!

Talk to Anakin!

OOC