Kaidan Alenko (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
not_a_whiner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomhigh2014-01-14 12:46 pm
not_a_whiner) wrote in fandomhigh2014-01-14 12:46 pm
Handling Your Powers, Tuesday
The class met up in a simulated gym hall, a set of seats at the front, an open space at the back. Kaidan stood in front of the class, waiting for all the students to filter in and find their seats. His conversation with Jack yesterday had made it clear to him it might be necessary to share, in order to create an open space for discussion-- and so when everyone had arrived, he began to speak.
"I told you a little about myself last week," he said. "And then I had you share your own worries with me. I think it's only fair, in the interest of sharing, that I tell you my own story in full. I'm not saying this because I want any sympathy - I got over this a long time ago. But it was hard to get to that point. I made a lot of mistakes until I got a handle of myself."
He studied the class for a moment. Certain people in particular: they had had similar problems.
"As I've said, human biotics are still fairly rare. I was part of the first generation. When people like me started getting born, nobody knew what to do with us. There wasn't any precedent. Nobody had any experience with it. Sometimes biotic children would break their own limbs and nobody knew how to stop it. So they reached out to other species who had known biotics for a much longer time than we had. That led to the creation of BAat, Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. It was a program aboard a boarding school, and they instated alien instructors to teach us."
"The problem was, we'd only just gotten out of a war with this same alien race," he continued, "A lot of our instructors were veterans of that war. So they found reasons to push us. It was a grueling program-- either you came out of it strong, or you came out of it broken. Several students died. We were supposed to do everything with our biotics, even the simplest tasks."
"One day, one of the instructors pushed too hard. He insisted a friend of mine, Rahna, pick up a glass using her biotics. She was exhausted and dehydrated; she just wanted a glass of water. When she refused to use her biotics, our instructor broke her arm." He took a breath. "I snapped. Lost my temper. I lashed out with my biotics. The instructor died, the incident was brushed under the rug, and the program was discontinued."
He glanced across the class once again, picking out the various faces, remembering what they'd said last week. "There wasn't any safety net for me when I got out. I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own, and it wasn't easy. So I understand it, when you express worry about hurting someone, about having been in that position. I have. And it took me a long time before I reached a point where I could control it."
He ran a hand through his hair. "If anyone else wants to share their story, the floor is always open at the start of the class," he said. "We'll be starting with physical exercises today. I intend for us to open every class with them from here on in, but they won't be the focus of the lesson every time."
"I told you a little about myself last week," he said. "And then I had you share your own worries with me. I think it's only fair, in the interest of sharing, that I tell you my own story in full. I'm not saying this because I want any sympathy - I got over this a long time ago. But it was hard to get to that point. I made a lot of mistakes until I got a handle of myself."
He studied the class for a moment. Certain people in particular: they had had similar problems.
"As I've said, human biotics are still fairly rare. I was part of the first generation. When people like me started getting born, nobody knew what to do with us. There wasn't any precedent. Nobody had any experience with it. Sometimes biotic children would break their own limbs and nobody knew how to stop it. So they reached out to other species who had known biotics for a much longer time than we had. That led to the creation of BAat, Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. It was a program aboard a boarding school, and they instated alien instructors to teach us."
"The problem was, we'd only just gotten out of a war with this same alien race," he continued, "A lot of our instructors were veterans of that war. So they found reasons to push us. It was a grueling program-- either you came out of it strong, or you came out of it broken. Several students died. We were supposed to do everything with our biotics, even the simplest tasks."
"One day, one of the instructors pushed too hard. He insisted a friend of mine, Rahna, pick up a glass using her biotics. She was exhausted and dehydrated; she just wanted a glass of water. When she refused to use her biotics, our instructor broke her arm." He took a breath. "I snapped. Lost my temper. I lashed out with my biotics. The instructor died, the incident was brushed under the rug, and the program was discontinued."
He glanced across the class once again, picking out the various faces, remembering what they'd said last week. "There wasn't any safety net for me when I got out. I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own, and it wasn't easy. So I understand it, when you express worry about hurting someone, about having been in that position. I have. And it took me a long time before I reached a point where I could control it."
He ran a hand through his hair. "If anyone else wants to share their story, the floor is always open at the start of the class," he said. "We'll be starting with physical exercises today. I intend for us to open every class with them from here on in, but they won't be the focus of the lesson every time."
Re: The Floor Is Open
She folded her arms, pulling in, hoping to regain her composure.
"They're not here," she said, in a steadier voice. "I'm jumping at shadows. It's ridiculous."
Re: The Floor Is Open
"Fear isn't rational," he said. "You can't beat yourself up for feeling afraid, Eleanor. You went through something pretty bad; there are going to be scars. You can learn to live with them, but you can't just put 'em back where they came from."
Re: The Floor Is Open
"All right," she said. "I ... Thank you."
She wasn't ... sure why she was thanking him, exactly. But she felt better, for having said it, and for him reassuring her that it was normal -- as normal as one could be, under the circumstances. It seemed appropriate.
Re: The Floor Is Open
"But if you want some tricks to help you get a hold of fear that bothers you," he said, "There are a few. I can't promise you any of them will help, though. I had to muddle my own way through too."
Re: The Floor Is Open
Re: The Floor Is Open
"There's the old thing about, uh, counting to ten," Kaidan said. His expression was wry. "I'm not kidding. Sometimes it helps. The basic idea is-- you've got to make some space between the fear and the reaction. Or... between the fear and you. Counting is one way. Another one is to swallow it until you can write it down. Set a time of day when you're by yourself and let yourself really feel everything, do whatever you need, then you take all the notes and let it all out. So when the moment comes, you can tell yourself you'll have your chance. Later."
He paused. "For me, questions help," he said. "I try to be logical. Like-- does what I'm about to do make sense? Is there a reason why I'm feeling this way? Why am I angry? If I can defuse the reason behind it, usually, I can calm down."
Not always. But usually.
"But it's... really about what works for you personally."