fandomhigh | Diversity and You, Class #3, Period #2, May 21st

Today, the class had ~~handwavily~~ been told to meet in the Danger Shop. When they got there, they would find themselves in a replica of a park, surrounded by skyscrapers; those from this world might recognize it as NYC's Central Park. Their teacher was standing before a replica of Bethesda Fountain, typing away on her Blackberry; perched on the Angel of the Waters sculpture were three creatures. They stood as tall as the average human, and nearly looked human -- flabby torso, legs -- except for the heads and wings, which looked like birds of prey. They only wore socks, so when the Manbirds shifted on their perches, you could see a long, feathery appendage dangling between their legs -- not their genitalia. Just the tube that protected it.

"Don't throw any change in," Callie warned. "I know, it's a fountain, but trust me on that. Right, so. We're meeting here and not in the classroom for a very important reason. That's so I don't ruin my shoes. Our topic is when diversity goes horribly wrong, or what happens when you introduce a new species into a population in the worst way possible, or --"

"Suck my balls!" interjected one of the three.

"Why you don't feed the Manbirds," she said, very very dryly. "So, a while back, a vacationing tourist named Vincent Campanetti found the Manbirds and thought they were hilarious. He taught them some phrases, and fed them some of his spare change. They started parroting phrases back at him. He thought this was hilarious and so, of course, like the moron he was, brought them back to New York, where they had no natural predators."

Thanks, Vincent.

"So they bred, and bred, and bred, and now, Manbird season is one of the worst times in Manhattan," Callie sighed.

"Put your cheeks into it!" another Manbird called out.

"That middle one is female, by the way, and she's asking for change. Oh, I should note. They developed a highly specialized language, based on the few phrases he taught them -- all of them vulgar. It's entirely pronunciation based. There are over five hundred variations of the phrase 'suck my balls,' none of which actually mean 'suck my balls.' I happen to speak Manbird, and it's not an easy language to learn."

She finally put away her Blackberry. "Anyway. The Manbirds eat loose change. They live near fountains, they leave gigantic dumps on the ground, and if you throw coins to them, they will flock to you and beat you with their appendages and wings until you cough up the rest of your money. All while shouting what seem to be obscenities. The smell of Manbird shit does not come out of your shoes easily, which is why I didn't get real Manbirds." That and, she didn't actually want any of her students to be bludgeoned to death. The vice-principal had hinted that was a no-no.

"So," she said. "If you want to actually talk to the Manbirds, I can translate. Or we can talk about how maybe the integration could have gone better, or maybe Manbirds were never meant to be in Manhattan. Or we could sit here and enjoy Central Park."

"Last thing. Next week, bring some money -- yours, or if you don't have any, someone else's. We're going shopping. In Hell."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Mingle. Chatter. Listen to the sounds of Manbirds shouting "Gobble my knob!" to one another.

NOTE: There's a big sign warning your character not to throw coins into the fountain. Feel free to try it anyway, if you want; you'll get divebombed by the Manbirds, and then the simulation will cut out and Callie will chew you out.

Edited 2012-05-21 19:01 (UTC)

With vulgarity!

Sam-chizzing-Puckett

What? It's totally vulgar in her world.

Edited 2012-05-21 19:57 (UTC)

Bucky *@&#$ing Katt

(newspaper censors are harsh)

Fucking Sparkle, you pants-shitting douchefucker.

Because somebody has to have a canon with no compunctions about vulgarity.

Loki Laufeyson

...by Odin's beard?

Thelma Bates, thank you very fucking much.

Yeah. Those are ... those are manbirds, all right.

Have you ever wanted to ask a demon to translate conversations between you and a Manbird? ... Probably not. But if you're curious, now's your chance!

"No, you suck my balls!!!" Bucky shouted at the manbirds. (Even though he personally didn't have any, anymore.) He climbed up onto the edge of the fountain -- being careful to avoid the water -- and kept shouting various unimaginative insults.

He had, in fact, completely missed the entire point of the lecture.

The Manbird on the right looked confused. He scratched his head and shrugged at the other two. "Suck my balls?" he asked.

"You just asked him where his brother keeps the silverware," Callie explained. "Nice going."

(I am a filthy pronunciation modder up in here.)

Edited 2012-05-21 22:03 (UTC)

"No, I didn't," Bucky told her. "I asked him to SUCK MY..." He trailed off, turning his attention from her back to the manbirds. "Yeah, YOU, I'm talking to you!!! And I want you to suck my big, hairy, tiger balls, you filthy, ferret-loving, disgustifying LIBERAL!!!"

"Gobble my knob!" yelled the one on the right. "Put your cheeks into it!"

"He's insulted that you think his family is involved in fencing stolen library wires," Callie sighed. "If you want me to pass along what you're actually saying, I'm going to start charging a translation fee. Feel free to keep yelling gibberish at them."

"That's not what it said," Bucky protested. "I demand an apology!!!"

"So," Callie said. "Are Manbirds just not a species we can integrate into normal society? Was it done wrong? Should Mr. Campanetti have left them where they were? What about the fact that every single New Yorker hates Manbird season?"

"They're vermin -- it's as simple as that," Bucky growled. "For the good of the world, they should all be dragged out somewhere they can't be smelled and shot."

"Who decides who counts as vermin, again?" Callie asked. "They have a thriving culture, even if they do enjoy beating each other with their ... genitalia covers."

"...Me," Bucky answered. "I did. Just now. Did you miss it? They're vermin."

Callie typed for a few seconds on her Blackberry before reading off, in a stilted voice:

"Vermin (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/vermin), noun, noxious, objectionable, or disgusting animals collectively, especially those of small size that appear commonly and are difficult to control, as flies, lice, bedbugs, cockroaches, mice, and rats." She raised an eyebrow. "I'll give you disgusting and objectionable, but 'of a small size'? They've got a hundred pounds on you easy."

"Yeah, well, who are you going to believe?" Bucky asked, offended. "Me, or the magical Internet? It's a well-known fact that Wikipedia lies."

"These are really all over America?" Thelma said, incredulous.

"They're in New York," Callie said. "It's worse during Manbird season, and better when it's not. I have no idea how bad it is in flyover country."

I.e., everything that wasn't New York, San Diego or LA.

"Right. Glad no one will import these here, then," Thelma said. "I don't know anything about learned behavior and all that, but they seem pretty awful."

"Oh, they are," Callie said. "Be glad I programmed them not to take dumps on your shoes."

The scent never really came out. Ugh.

Thelma's face crinkled.

"Right. So they're just all around unlikeable, then. But they're smart like people?"

It was an odd case.

If they're here!

Seifer was here. And still amazed at this class, in a good way though.

She's here.

It's never explained why Callie speaks Manbird. But she also knows Aramaic, so maybe she's just into obscure languages.

Also, my canon is insane.

Diversity and You, Class #3, Period #2, May 21st

Before Class - DIV03

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