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fandomhigh2012-05-17 08:04 am
mouthy-merc.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2012-05-17 08:04 am
Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 17, 2012]
The classroom was set up with a number of soft, padded mats and pillows. Many of which smelled like play dough and apple juice, others of... less pleasant smells. Here's hoping that you grabbed one of the good pillows?
But not the one Juliet had claimed. She’d bite you if you tried to take it away. Anakin turned the lights down low. “Naptime,” he began, “because apparently it’s ‘wrong’ to shoot children with tranquilizers.”
"Yeah, who knew?" Deadpool added, ignoring the ginger child that was attempting to use his mask as a hand hold to climb... somewhere. It was possible she hadn't given that much more thought on the matter. "Jan, that's my face. I swear to god, I will sell you to the circus and take all that money to buy myself a sports car."
Jan, it seemed, did not buy that for a minute as she giggledevilly evilly, resuming her climb.
“Red one?” Juliet asked interestedly before whacking her father in the legs with her pillow. Anakin gave her a sour look. “So we’ll read a story and see if we can get these kids to sleep, then the room will generate some children of its own for you to read to.”
Children programmed by Anakin and Deadpool. Have fear, students.
Deadpool snagged the child turned monkey, holding her around the waist under his arm as he nodded. "Now, you might think it's easy to put a kid down for a nap, but you'd be wrong. So, so wrong. A kid who can't walk around is easier, mostly because babies are like cats in that they sleep, eat, poop. And then sleep some more. But then the kid gets to a point where they know what's best--"
Somewhere in there, someone was whining, "'m not tiiiiiired. I wanna play with Juliet." Whoever could it be?
"--but they're wrong because they want to pass out at any moment, so it's best to make it in an organized fashion. Preferably in a bed or on the couch instead of on top of the dog. Or in some finger paints."
“NOT TIRED, DADDY!” cried Juliet, who’d just pinged to the idea that the nap was for her, just before bolting for the door.
“Catch her!” Anakin called out.
"See, that's why I kept Jan's feet off the ground as soon as the word 'nap' hit the conversation," Deadpool said, holding a sulking limpet of a child up higher for people to see. Somehow this was going to be the least traumatizing thing about her growing up. What with the whole mutant messiah thing. "Use your Jedi powers!"
“But then they’ll never learn,” Anakin pointed out, reaching out and locking the door with the Force.
Deadpool shrugged. "I could always threaten to leave her with her grandpa and his skanky girlfriend." He was an awesome dad, thank you. "Or take away her toy swords."
"NO!"
"Yeah, you kids are gonna looooove fake parenthood today," Deadpool said with a smile that wasn't friendly at all.
But not the one Juliet had claimed. She’d bite you if you tried to take it away. Anakin turned the lights down low. “Naptime,” he began, “because apparently it’s ‘wrong’ to shoot children with tranquilizers.”
"Yeah, who knew?" Deadpool added, ignoring the ginger child that was attempting to use his mask as a hand hold to climb... somewhere. It was possible she hadn't given that much more thought on the matter. "Jan, that's my face. I swear to god, I will sell you to the circus and take all that money to buy myself a sports car."
Jan, it seemed, did not buy that for a minute as she giggled
“Red one?” Juliet asked interestedly before whacking her father in the legs with her pillow. Anakin gave her a sour look. “So we’ll read a story and see if we can get these kids to sleep, then the room will generate some children of its own for you to read to.”
Children programmed by Anakin and Deadpool. Have fear, students.
Deadpool snagged the child turned monkey, holding her around the waist under his arm as he nodded. "Now, you might think it's easy to put a kid down for a nap, but you'd be wrong. So, so wrong. A kid who can't walk around is easier, mostly because babies are like cats in that they sleep, eat, poop. And then sleep some more. But then the kid gets to a point where they know what's best--"
Somewhere in there, someone was whining, "'m not tiiiiiired. I wanna play with Juliet." Whoever could it be?
"--but they're wrong because they want to pass out at any moment, so it's best to make it in an organized fashion. Preferably in a bed or on the couch instead of on top of the dog. Or in some finger paints."
“NOT TIRED, DADDY!” cried Juliet, who’d just pinged to the idea that the nap was for her, just before bolting for the door.
“Catch her!” Anakin called out.
"See, that's why I kept Jan's feet off the ground as soon as the word 'nap' hit the conversation," Deadpool said, holding a sulking limpet of a child up higher for people to see. Somehow this was going to be the least traumatizing thing about her growing up. What with the whole mutant messiah thing. "Use your Jedi powers!"
“But then they’ll never learn,” Anakin pointed out, reaching out and locking the door with the Force.
Deadpool shrugged. "I could always threaten to leave her with her grandpa and his skanky girlfriend." He was an awesome dad, thank you. "Or take away her toy swords."
"NO!"
"Yeah, you kids are gonna looooove fake parenthood today," Deadpool said with a smile that wasn't friendly at all.
Re: Listen to the Story
"The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview’s over.
I’ve got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep," Anakin continued, letting his voice grow a little quieter.
Re: Listen to the Story
Deadpool gave Jan a pat on the ankle, only receiving a weak kick in response. More attempt to shove him over than anything. It was a willful day. Oh, who was he kidding, all days were.
"The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I’m not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep."
Re: Listen to the Story
"You don't even have a bear," Anakin hissed back.
"Is my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavorite!"
"It isn't."
"Is!"
"Isn't!"
Oh, right, book.
"The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep."
Re: Listen to the Story
"The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I’ll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You’re not gonna sleep."
Re: Listen to the Story
"This room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep."
Re: Listen to the Story
"Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you’re fucking asleep," he said in a low voice, eyeing the slow, even breaths Jan was taking warily.
Re: Listen to the Story
"We’re finally watching our movie.
Popcorn’s in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You’ve gotta be kidding.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep."
Re: Listen to the Story
"...I was closer," he informed Anakin, digging snacks out of one of the many pouches.
Re: Listen to the Story
"No. One story, then naptime."
"AGAIN!!!!"
Anakin hated the terrible twos.