Ash's Art Appreciation, Lecture #10

[names-ash.livejournal.com]

Ash paces in front of the classroom, wearing a full black suit, white shirt, black tie, and a black hat.

The room is dark, and he's wearing sunglasses.

When all the students take their seats, he begins to sing.

And dance.



Comin’ to ya on a dusty road
Good lovin’ I got a truck load
And when you get it you got something
So don’t worry cause I’m coming

I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man

Got what I got the hard way
And I’ll make it better each and every day
So honey don’t you fret
Cause you ain’t seen nothing yet

I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
Play it steve!
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man

Listen
I was brought up on a side street
I learned how to love before I could eat
I was educated from good stock
When I start lovin’ I just can’t stop

I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man

Well grab the rope and I’ll pull you in
Give you hope and be your only boyfriend
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
You’re a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man


"A-hem," he says after finishing his routine. "This ain't no music class, but I've got a list of art related musicly questions for everyone.

One, What makes music special?
Two, What makes the Blues special?
Three, Why do my balls itch?
Four, How many nuns would a nun-chuck chuck, if a nun-chuck would chuck nuns?
Five, Has anyone ever seen Doctor Carter outside her classroom? I'm beginning to think she's avoiding me.
Six, What's love got to do with it?
Seven, What exactly is the 'That' which Meatloaf refers to?
Eight, How Many Roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?
Nine, Who would win in a fight: The Three Tenors or The Stooges?
Ten, What if God was one of us?
Eleven, Does anyone have photos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Twelve, Does anyone have videos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Thirteen, If you have a marching band going down the street playing in 3/4 time, and another marching the opposite direction playing in 7/8 time, what's the likelyhood of anyone caring when they run into each other in a scene of utter brassed-out carnage?

Also, you'll find copies of Cosmo under each of your desks. Please fill out the quizes inside and return to my office by the end of the term. That will be your final. Now get to the discussion, kiddos"

Comments

[courier-gavin.livejournal.com]

"Buh?" Jake said, blinking rapidly. That was... some routine. He felt under his desk for the magazine and stared at it. "...I want to cry."

[psycho-barbie.livejournal.com]

Callisto blanched at questions eleven and twelve, and hoped Ash never met Principal Bristow's teddy bear.

[krycek-rat.livejournal.com]

Krycek folded his arms on the desk and rested his head against them, face hidden. He may or may not have been mumbling pleas for sanity, but he certainly didn't seem much interested in answering the questions.

[lisacuddy.livejournal.com]

One, What makes music special?
Two, What makes the Blues special?
Uhhhh...

Three, Why do my balls itch?
I believe that's a medical condition called Callistoias Priapism

Four, How many nuns would a nun-chuck chuck, if a nun-chuck would chuck nuns?
Ninja Nuns? Good name for a band.

Five, Has anyone ever seen Doctor Carter outside her classroom? I'm beginning to think she's avoiding me.
Ya think?

Six, What's love got to do with it?
In the case of you and Carter, nothing.

Seven, What exactly is the 'That' which Meatloaf refers to?
See question #3

Eight, How Many Roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?
Walking down Carter's road definitely makes you a man.

Nine, Who would win in a fight: The Three Tenors or The Stooges?
Depends on what's at Craft Services

Ten, What if God was one of us?
DEATH goes here, don't see why God couldn't enroll.

Eleven, Does anyone have photos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Twelve, Does anyone have videos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Ask Spider

Thirteen, If you have a marching band going down the street playing in 3/4 time, and another marching the opposite direction playing in 7/8 time, what's the likelyhood of anyone caring when they run into each other in a scene of utter brassed-out carnage?
0/0

[12parseckessel.livejournal.com]

Han, still upset from the run-in yesterday, signs in and sits in the back, unobtrusively.

The questions make no sense, and she just buries her face in her hands

[persian-eunuch.livejournal.com]

Bagoas doesn't understand the questions again, but does his best to answer what he can.

He grabs his Cosmo and leaves.

[aka-vala.livejournal.com]

Vala drops in

One, What makes music special?
A talented musician.

Two, What makes the Blues special?
It's a pretty color?

Three, Why do my balls itch?
Get the Clinic to check that one, 'cuz I ain't gonna.

Four, How many nuns would a nun-chuck chuck, if a nun-chuck would chuck nuns?
42 (*duh*)

Five, Has anyone ever seen Doctor Carter outside her classroom? I'm beginning to think she's avoiding me.
Nope and I can't imagine why...

Six, What's love got to do with it?
I dunno, but I've always thought of it as a kind of second-hand emotion.

Seven, What exactly is the 'That' which Meatloaf refers to?
"Explict, slashy fanart", according to an absolutely hysterical vid I saw once.

Eight, How Many Roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?
I don't know. Road-walking isn't the usual criteria for manhood where I come from.

Nine, Who would win in a fight: The Three Tenors or The Stooges?
Is this one of those cartoon boxers things?

Ten, What if God was one of us?
Would God still have to do the Cosmo quizzes as a final?

Eleven, Does anyone have photos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Oh, I wish, I could make a fortune.

Twelve, Does anyone have videos of a certain Strip Triad game?
Oh, I wish, I could make a *mint*.

Thirteen, If you have a marching band going down the street playing in 3/4 time, and another marching the opposite direction playing in 7/8 time, what's the likelyhood of anyone caring when they run into each other in a scene of utter brassed-out carnage?
infinity/pi

[oatmanspatient.livejournal.com]

One: The music videos. Usually they have hot chicks in it.
Two: It's a pretty color.
Three: Might want to take a shower every now and then, Coach.

Four: Marty skips the question.
Five: She's playing hard to get.
Six: What's love but a second hand emotion?
Seven: Beats me. I would do anything for love.
Eight: 42
Nine: Stooges. Wicked eyepoke defeats singing ability anyday of the week.
Ten: Just a slob like one of us?
Eleven: No.
Twelve: No.
Thirteen: Nil.

[stykera]

Stark, as usual, has no idea what Ash was on about. But he makes an attempt at some of the questions anyway.

"One: um. Which music? Your music? Any music?
Five: No
Six: Everything.
Seven: Meatloaf that talks? Did it come from the cafeteria?
Eight: If he's a man walking down roads, haven't they already called him a man by saying he's a man walking down roads?
Nine: The Stooges. Those are the ones who poke each other in the eye, yes?
Ten: Which God?
Thirteen: People like carnage. There is a good chance they will care. Especially if it is very loud carnage."

Then he picked up his copy of Cosmo and flipped through it, wide-eyed.

[likeguidelines.livejournal.com]

Barbossa came into class with his Secret Santa parrot perched on his shoulder.

The bird seemed slightly more traumatized by the dance routine than Barbossa.

Barbossa scratched his head and tried to answer the questions. The parrot amused himself by staring at the rest of the class.

Then Barbossa flipped open his magazine and began filling out the quizzes. The parrot leaned over his shoulder, reading along. If parrots could read of course.

Which they can't.