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Philosophy Classroom, office hours

Tara is available to philosophy and ethics students to discuss their problems, or just chat.

((ooc: Apologies for lack of Thursday office hours. Today I handed in my thesis, the work of the last 9 months. Wo0t!))

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"Han Solo. If you listen to the radio, you have some idea of the mess I'm in." He sits down, looking very miserable. "I need someone, who isn't tangled up in this, to explain Earther sexual ethics, because every time I turn around I'm messing up somehow."

Tara furrows her brow. "I do listen to the radio, Mr. Solo, but I'm afraid when I don't know the names it's all a bit of a blur. Would you like to explain your situation to me?"

((Mun, on the other hand, is a heavy Han/Bagoas shipper. But I haven't been keeping up with things the last week, I'm afraid.))

He tries to think where to start. "Back home, sex isn't a big deal. Marriage can be anywhere from two to six people or more. Two is most common, four's a close second. But-- Aw hell, I'm going at this all wrong."

He shifts again. "So there's this guy, Bagoas. We're getting pretty serious. I've stopped flirting for him, and I finally understand why he wants to be my only one. Thing is, he found out I'd screwed someone I really shouldnt have. I didn't tell him...hells, I can barely tell myself."

"Okay," Tara nods, trying to follow the threads of his speech. "So you're in a relationship. Polyamory is normal for you, and so you conducted yourself under that expectation. Monogamy is normal for him, and so he's upset that you were 'unfaithful'? Is that right?"

"Monogamy ain't normal for him, but it's what he really wants. He was a concubine to one of your great warriors, an Al'skander." (pronounces it just as Bagoas does) "He had to compete with hundreds of others, men and women for attention. After that, he wants someone to love him and only him. And I wish he'd told me this two weeks ago."

He takes a deep breath. "I've got a rival for him. That one has beaten me to a pulp once or twice and generally given me hell since we met. And somehow, last week--" he takes a deep breath, swears softly under it for a moment and continues "last week I let him fuck me. Thought it might defuse some of the anger and tension, nothing more than that. I still don't like him. If I never see him again it'll be too soon."

Tara nods. "Does your society often use sex as a way of settling tensions or rivalries?"

The laugh he gives has no humor in it. "Professor, in my language one of the words for sex between men is the same as the word for fight. And my clan is still pretty primitive in a lot of ways, despite the high tech and ten millennia of space travel."

He shakes his head. "I'm supposed to talk to him today, but he's an avoider. He'll duck me if he can, give me the silent treatment if he can't. And his...guardian invited me over tonight to explain myself."

"He says he's leaving school, that I've made a fool of him. I haven't told anyone except you. I wouldn't. I haven't even been able to tell myself."

Pursing her lips, Tara thinks for a moment. "People who avoid confrontation usually do so out of fear. I don't know your lover, but if he was a concubine, I would imagine sex itself is fairly cheap to him. I can't imagine the sex is the problem. What you're dealing with is a betrayal of trust.

There's a difference between having sex and making love. You've been making love to him, and having sex with other people. The sex isn't likely to mean a lot to him, but the love would. Now he's doubting your love, and he knows that you link sex and violence. If it's not love, it's sex, and if sex and violence are linked, how can he be sure you won't hurt him?"

Tara sighs. "Mr. Solo, I'm guessing here. I don't want to send you off in the wrong direction. But I know about people who avoid confrontation, who answer with silence. It happens because you're afraid of what will happen if you talk. Even if he gives you the silent treatment... I think he needs to hear what you have to say."

Amazed at having it all explained so logically, he sits in silence for a minute.

"I'd never hurt him. He's so much littler than me. But you're right, there was something in there about me not loving him. And I think that's the real problem."

He looks at the floor again. "I know he's always afraid of getting angry, of saying what's on his mind. I've been encouraging him to speak up and tell me. I'm no Jedi mindreader. Maybe tonight, he'll speak up."

When he looks up, his eyes are clear. "So a last question: what is appropriate behavior in this time and place? I see a lot of emo and angst happening over relationships and sex, and so far I thought I'd avoided most of it."

Tara shakes her head. "I can't tell you that, Mr. Solo. Some people have perfectly appropriate relationships that are just casual sex. Some people send each other love tokens, and others would worry that a gift meant there was something that needed to be apologised for. The best relationships sit down and figure it out for themselves. What I can tell you is that you need to tell him - honestly - how you feel, what you want the relationship to look like, and what you're going to do to make that happen. The angst only happens when people expected different things."

"One last thing, Han." Tara bites her lip, not wanting to push her own experience onto Han's lover, but knowing what it's like to be too afraid to speak. "When people are afraid of speaking, it's one of two things. He's afraid of what getting angry will say about who he is - and he's afraid of how you're going to react. If you don't do anything, you can't do anything wrong. He needs to know that you want the bad parts of him, as well as the good."

"I do. I want all of him. The part that dances with me after dinner and the part that gets mad at me for being a dumb selfish kid."

He stands up. "Thank you, ma'am for taking so much time, when I'm not even one of your students."

"Any time, Han. I mean that." Tara smiles softly. "Tell him that, okay? Tell him all the things you love about him that he's afraid to show you, or afraid you'll reject. It's easy to believe someone loves your good parts. Trust comes when they've seen the worst, and love you still."

"He's sure seen me at my worst. Seen me getting beaten, gone out of my mind on the fear toxin and plain furious. He loves me anyway. We're going to get through this."

"I'm sure you will, Han," Tara smiles, her eyes soft. "Good luck."

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Philosophy Classroom, office hours

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