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fandomhigh2011-03-05 12:06 am
wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2011-03-05 12:06 am
Classrooms Around Campus, All Day Saturday
It was Saturday, and that meant Career Day! Unbeknownst to all the students who had taken the career placement test, Fandom had apparently conspired to place them all in workshops that didn't quite fit the answers they gave for their tests. The island was tricky that way. Not to mention that the workshops that the island had planned were somewhat different from the workshops an ordinary school might offer on Career Day. As in quite a lot different.
So the classrooms all around the school were filled with visitors from off-island and island alike, all of whom had been led to believe that they would be teaching eager-minded groups of students, excited to learn about their prospective careers. This assumption was not necessarily accurate.
[[up early early early for timezones!wait for the OCD or puppies will die. the puppies are safe now.]]
So the classrooms all around the school were filled with visitors from off-island and island alike, all of whom had been led to believe that they would be teaching eager-minded groups of students, excited to learn about their prospective careers. This assumption was not necessarily accurate.
[[up early early early for timezones!
Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Hopefully.
And yet, there he was, with a capuchin monkey perched on his shoulder, stuffing sunflower seeds into his mouth by the handful and chewing them into a gooey pulp before spitting the mushed-up remains onto the desk in big, sticky globs. They were globs that even a few of the squirrels, who he had bribed into keeping his company for the duration of the presentation, really wanted nothing to do with.
The broad assortment of other creatures that were mulling about, from flamingos, to ducks, to a breed of deer with a rare variation in pigmentation that served as a perfect example of divergent evolution in a segregated environment that would have made Darwin give up on finches forever, seemed to be more or less unbothered by the antics of the loud man in the equally loud clothing with the awesome hair who had gathered them here today.
"Well, well, well," Ace began, looking at the students with a raised eyebrow. "It would seem that these homo sapiens of the adolescent persuasion are vying for my job."
Which was kind of the point, Ace.
"Before I get really started, I have to stress that being a pet detective is not for everyone. It takes a sharp mind, a gentle touch, a worldview that stresses that all creatures are... equal." There was a brief pause while he wrestled back the desire to state that somehow, bats were exempt from all-creature equality, because that was absolutely unfair and a horrible thing for an enlightened individual such as himself to be saying, even if they were ugly and creepy and virtual bastions of disease and parasites and other nasty-- Anyhow. "To be able to solve mysteries that might arise regarding animals, one must first be unafraid to think like an animal, and like a man." Ace drew in a deep, meaningful breath before he levelled the students with a look that was intended to convey just how important, and how challenging, such a thing could be.
"You need to be more aware of your surroundings than the other cops, who will make a point to go out of their way to... mock, to step on your tiny, six-legged friends in the animal kingdom while calling it a homicide... to try to remove you from your case while repeatedly messing. Up. The. Evidence!" There was another pause there, and then Spike, the monkey on his shoulder, reached out and gave Ace a much-needed pat on the head and a handkerchief, which Ace blew his nose into for a good two minutes. Noisily. "Thank you, Spike."
Ace took a deep breath to compose himself before pressing on.
"You need to be a step ahead of everybody, to keep them guessing, to see their motivations while still being aware of the needs and feelings of the missing individual that is relying on you-- YOU, kids, to make certain that they find their way home, safe and sound. To make certain that the inhumane human scum that's put them through their terrifying ordeal has been brought to only the most fitting sort of justice imaginable. And, of course, to make certain that you get paid, because a love of animals alone will unfortunately never pay rent or put kibble in the bowl at the end of the day."
Fiber. Ace needed that kibble in order to stay regular, damn it.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
"I have prepared no pamphlets today, no... cheap pencils with glittery pawprints all over them and my name stamped up one side. Because such things will not assist you, children, in your quest to learn if being a pet detective is right for you. No, no, I've decided today to go a far more practical route. Today, you'll have the opportunity to familiarize yourselves with the client, the true reason to take the same proud, noble route that I've taken. Walk a mile in their paws, students. Learn their lingo, see through their sometimes multi-faceted eyes. And try not to get crapped on."
He gestured to the assortment of animals, holding out his arms in a grandiose gesture that invited all the little creatures to come forth, the squirrels, the flamingos, the teal deer, raccoons and monkeys and parrots and skunks that had been hiding in cupboards and under desks and in the garbage can in the room. And while they emerged from their hiding places to investigate the students, Ace hit a soprano note, throwing his head back and howling to the ceiling about the glories of his profession.
Ace loved his job, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps someday, you could, too.
Just not as well as he did.
[... I got carried away. I blame Jim Carrey for being awesome and insane.]
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Yeah. Squall was probably in the wrong session.
He glared at the animals, hoping they'd go away.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
"You're a pet detective?" she asked.
That seemed like a good place to start.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Oh, there was such an immature grin creeping over his face as he said the word 'dick.'
Look, some words were just priceless.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
No, not really. This was why Ace didn't deal with humans, when he could help it. Maybe by association.
"Kidnapping, most often." He flicked his head to the side, and then to the other side, and then back again. Apparently, in Ace's brain, this was supposed to mean something.
Ace was special.
"Any animal, great and small. Snowflake, the mascot of the Miami Dolphins. A sacred ba-huhhh..." Deep breath. Barrel on after jumping up and down a few times, fighting off a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. "A sacred white specimen o fthe order Chiroptera, whose disappearance means that the fate of a peaceful tribe of African peoples hangs in the balance. The prized pooch belonging to a distraught supermodel who prefers alternative payment methods..."
Some jobs were their own reward, really.
"Obviously, it's only very rarely that the pets themselves do the hiring."
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Well.
"And you're sure you're not, like, out on a day pass or something."
Just checking.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
This was Ace, throwing his head back and pulling in another breath, one that took a few solid seconds to complete before looking at her pointedly, and in one steady go?
"Female from Seattle, still stuck in the 1990s and a fan of grunge music. Hasn't seen her family in several months, and can't stand her place of employment but has no idea what sort of career she wants to pursue from here. Lazy, lazy, lazy, and makes a big show of hating everybody around her, but is secretly looooooonely and craves human companionship. Terrible with pets, and probably has at least a rodent or two on her conscience, but lives with a black-and-white cat, still young, which likely belongs to her roommate." A pause, another deep breath. "Who is apparently prone to lighting themselves on fire."
And he'd found a way to deduce it all, yes.
Go ahead, George. Ask him how. Possibly after the monkey sitting on his head stops applauding.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Finally, she managed to get her mouth back online.
"Speedy wasn't my fault!" Yes, he was. "And I'm not lonely!" Yes, she was. "And who do you think you are, anyway!?"
'Mouth' had apparently rebooted more quickly than 'brain.'
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
The business card never lied, George.
Ever.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
Somewhere, he could just feel it, Ender was laughing without knowing why.
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
...
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE? Blackagar was really, really hoping they did not believe he was suited for this job.
And why on Earth did Lockjaw also show up?
Re: Fur, Feathers, and Scales: Why YOU Want To Be A Pet Detective
On the other hand, awwww, cute animals. Yes, someone was a little squishy inside.