fandomhigh | Dealing With Idiots | Friday

At the front of the decidedly ordinary classroom stood two men in Regency clothing - if one stretched the definition of man quite a bit for the shorter one. "Good morning; this is Dealing With Idiots class. If you're not meant to be here, you've just failed today's first test of whether you're intelligent enough to take it; get out." Which of course required a sigh and grabbing someone by the collar. "Not you, Baldrick. For once."

Edmund pointed to the small, scruffy, and thoroughly smellable man whose collar he was somewhat gingerly holding. "This is Baldrick, your object lesson. The good news is that he won't be here for every class. The other good news is that I will; my name is Edmund Blackadder. You can call me Mister Blackadder or sir to my face, call me anything you like behind my back, as long as I don't hear about it. Baldrick, what happens if I hear about it?"

Baldrick paused as if trying to recall it from his very small store of available memory, then his face brightened. "You punch me in the kidney?"

"Not always; sometimes I punch you in the face." Edmund released Baldrick's collar and wiped his hand fastidiously on the front of his frock coat. "I'm given to understand that the school has some ridiculous 21st Century rules about teachers meting out physical violence to students, but rest assured I'll find something equally unpleasant to do to you, possibly involving doing Baldrick's laundry by hand."

"...Laundry?"

"It's when you wash your clothes. Not actually a 21st Century concept, just one you've been incapable of grasping for the last thirty-five years." Edmund turned his attention back to the class to add, "With those preliminaries out of the way, let's get on to you. Everybody who isn't an imbecile has to suffer them; I suffer more than most, so I'm uniquely qualified to teach you how to do so -- but there's no point in it if you're not worth the effort, so today is about winnowing the wheat from the--"

"Turnips!"

"......Fine, let's go with that."

[OCD is up - have at it!]

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She would go blind of staring at those things.

"Not a chance in Hell, teach."

Ah yes, there was the Rilla problem again. He hadn't really counted on there being girls in the class.

"If you prefer, you can point to the general area on Baldrick where they'd go, if he were ever to take the trousers he's wearing off."

As soon as he'd said it, Edmund realized his own stupidity, and spun around to face the man behind him, getting "DON'T!" out before Baldrick was even in view, and following it up with an equally imperative, "EVER."

"...I think I'll pass." And she inclined to the side, facing the same direction Edmund was. "Why you let him stick around if you hate him so much?"

That's it, divert him from the horrible underwear.

"As if I could get rid of him?" Edmund snorted. "There's been a Baldrick attached to my family since the Wars of the Roses."

"Not the same Baldrick, though," Baldrick piped up. "It's a density thing."

"It's a dynasty thing." Edmund rolled his eyes and pressed on. "And no, not the same Baldrick. The same trousers, though, I'm fairly sure."

"That would be kind of cute if you didn't look like you could hit him all day long." Then it just turned to be really creepy.

"You can totally toss him to the sea and let the waves wash him, though." She had to make an effort not to add please.

"I tried that one; I got fined for polluting the harbour."

"Eh..."

Okay then, Baldrick was something between awesome and incredibly gross on Charlie's eyes now. She could, in theory, make him a lot cleaner, and even careful not to be too dirty, but Charlie had been going on without Pushing people so far, and it felt...liberating.

"Let him out in the rain? Roll him around in the snow? There has to be someone in this island capable of making water."

"Oh, I can make water!" Baldrick said cheerfully. "Actually I'm quite good at it. I filled ten bottles in two w--"

If Charlie was hoping the violence would stop anytime soon, she was sadly mistaken, though at least it was merely a cuff on the back of the head.

"Shut up, Baldrick; that's not what she meant. Get out of here and go roll in the snow."

"Alright, but if I come down with ammonia, it'll be your fault." So saying, Baldrick jammed his tricorn hat on his head and shuffled out the door.

Charlie was half amused, half concerned by the idiot that had just left the classroom. She would probably want to make sure he ended up dry after the rolling.

"But he must have at least one redemptive quality?

Edmund had to think about that one for a bit. "...He left when I told him to?"

"Well, he sort of trusts you? So he's...errrr, reliable?" So maybe Charlie was sorry for him.

"Yes; every time I have a cunning plan, I can always rely on Baldrick to cock it up."

Dealing With Idiots | Friday | Period 4 (Session 1)

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