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fandomhigh2009-11-20 06:36 am
suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2009-11-20 06:36 am
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Win Friends | Period 4 | Class 11
On this day the class met as handwavily instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the hot teachers be lurking around the building, hoping for a piece of Dean Awesome.
"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts."
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.
The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating
"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."
Students were then provided with an online form to completebecause the mun is a dork:
"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts."
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.
| Pros | Cons |
| Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios | Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos |
| Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule | Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters |
| Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location | Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury |
| Women more emboldened to approach you | ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you |
| Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism | Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction |
| Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched | Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures |
| Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates | Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers |
"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."
Students were then provided with an online form to complete
Sign In | Class 11
Lecture | Class 11
Activity | Class 11
Completed Assignments | Class 11
Dean Awesome | Class 11
OOC | Class 11
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Lecture | Class 11
Re: Completed Assignments | Class 11
Picture:
Age: 16 physically, eternal spiritually
Height: 5'4"
Religion: All
Music: Foxglove, Tori Amos, the Beatles, Chopin
TV: Cartoons
Who I am: A friend who comes to everyone in the end. Also I like apples and Disney movies. I love people, but I'll smack you upside the head if you're just stupid.
Who I want to meet: I meet everyone sooner or later.
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Completed Assignments | Class 11
Username: formergodking
Age: Older than your phylum
Height: Five feet, eight inches.
Religion: I will tolerate your worship.
Music: My enemies' howls of pain, disco
TV: Smile Time
Who I am: When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet. Illyria was all they needed to know.
Who I want to meet: Those who appreciate leather, sharp objects, and tentacles. Yog-Sothoth need not apply. I have not forgotten that party.
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Completed Assignments | Class 11
Age: 19
Height: 5' 8"
Religion: Catholic.
Music: Garbage. Whatever.
TV: The news. Occasionally. When I know to look for myself, making an appearance.
Who I am: A Capulet. The prince of cats himself. Art thou seeking royalty?
Who I want to meet: A woman pleasing of shape and quiet of tongue. I've time for anyone, save the blood of mine enemy. Special exception might be made for gingers.
Re: Sign In | Class 11
Re: Lecture | Class 11
Yes, someone is unamused.
Re: Dean Awesome | Class 11
Re: Dean Awesome | Class 11
Re: Dean Awesome | Class 11
Oh how she missed Professor Upland.