fandomhigh | Humorous History: Friday, Period 1, Class 11

"Abraham Lincoln is usually considered one of our best Presidents. He won the Civil War, ended slavery, was honest, and had a really classy look with his beard and hat," Jim said as the class started. "And before that he was known as a great debater. His debates with Stephen Douglas during a campaign for a seat in the US Senate are pretty much legendary."

"And all of that is great. But before that, he challenged a guy to a sword fight in a pit."

"When he was in the Illinois state legislature, Lincoln had a friendly rival named James Shields who he worked with a lot. They had some bipartisanship going on, which was nice. But then Shields became the State Auditor, made a bunch of unpopular decisions, and got a lot of hassle for it. Lincoln started writing letters to newspapers under fake names to complain about Shields. Then his friends started to join in and they started taking personal shots, making up stories about how he embarrassed himself at parties and had some very personal issues when it came to women. The kind of issues that they make pills for. I'm not being more specific than that."

"Shields got mad and forced the newspaper's editor to tell him who was sending the letters, and the editor gave Lincoln up. Lincoln took all the blame for it since one of the other people doing it was a cute girl named Mary Todd and he wanted to impress her, proving that sometimes you do very stupid things for a crush."

Jim pointedly DID NOT look at the camera just then.

"Shields was mad when he found out his buddy Abe was behind it, so he demanded a letter retracting all of that libel. Lincoln didn't like the tone, so he refused until Shields sent a more 'gentlemanly' - and that's a quote - letter. Shields didn't like that, so he challenged Lincoln to a duel."

"Back then, if you refused a duel then you basically weren't a real man and wouldn't get reelected and a certain cute girl wouldn't go out with him, so Lincoln agreed to it even though he thought the whole thing was really stupid. But since he was challenged, Lincoln got to pick the rules."

Jim started writing the rules on the board. 1) Island. " It had to take place on an island that was technically part of Missouri since dueling was legal there. Makes sense." 2) Big swords. "They would be dueling with 'Cavalry Broadswords of the largest size,' and since Abe had several inches on Shields this gave him a huge advantage. He figured he'd be able to disarm Shields pretty easily without any of the messy death they might get with guns." 3) In a pit. "The duel was to take place in a ten foot wide and twelve foot deep pit. Annnnnnd..." 4) Plank.. "in the middle of the pit there would be a wood plank that neither man could step over."

"It was a completely ridiculous series of rules that Lincoln hoped would get Shields to drop the challenge, but Shields still wanted to fight up until the actual day of the duel. Shields was pretty nervous, and Lincoln didn't help that when he walked up to a tall tree with his sword and started chopping down some of the high branches. Shields realized he didn't stand a chance in a swordfight against a guy who was six-four, so he called off the fight. Lincoln apologized and everyone was happy."

"Well, everyone besides the crowd waiting on the mainland. Somebody dressed a log up like a corpse and put it up for display on the boat back, which really freaked the crowd out. Lincoln and Shields both found this hilarious and bonded over it. They were good friends for the rest of their lives, and Lincoln even made Shields a general in the Union army in a few years."

"Okay, obvious assignment! Pair up and come up with the most ridiculous terms for a duel you can. You need weapons, a location, and any stupid rules you want."

"Oh, also, next week is Thanksgiving, so no class. Enjoy the holiday."

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"Jaime Reyes," Jaime shot back with an amused smirk and a firm handshake. "A pleasure and all that other stuff you're supposed to say when you meet someone new."

"Back at you," Hannibal said, nodding. "So, ridiculous duel terms? My first thought was dueling wearing high heels. Ridiculous and strange."

"High heels, huh..." Jaime nodded. "That'd work if you weren't a girl, and since neither of us are..." Unless Fandom was screwing with him today, "That'd work. But we need a weapon and location, too... Maybe an ice skating rink? That'd go well with high heels."

"Oh god," Hannibal said, already laughing at the mental image. "I can see a lot of accidental stabbing of the ice and your feet happening there. I love it."

Jaime smirked and nodded. It would be pretty awesome, yeah.

"So: location and ridiculous footwear decided. Stabbing implies swords, I guess? But that seems insufficiently ridiculous."

"Fingernail clippers?" Hannibal suggested. "They've got that sharp little thing that we could use. It'd guarantee having to move around the ice on those heels."

"Hmm... but someone might actually get stabbed that way," Jaime pointed out. "What about those pool noodle things?"

"Oooh, good thought," Hannibal said, nodding. "That'd just be a lot of smacking each other but no major injuries. And that'd be good because I know my ass would fall on the ice a few times."

"Yeah," Jaime agreed. "And they're floppy so you'd have to swing them really, really hard. Which would make you fall over and stuff, right?" He didn't exactly have a lot of ice experience. Shocking for a kid from El Paso, really.

"One time I went ice skating, I was on my ass more than I was on my feet," he shared. "Hitting me with something as light as a pool noodle would knock me down. It'd end up being a duel of who could stay on their feet, really. Much better than getting stabbed."

"Then clearly we are geniuses."

It was obvious.

"I agree," he said with a firm nod. "And our duel will clearly be the most ridiculous thing known to man."

"I think I'll see about nominating a stand-in. I look terrible in heels." Actually, Jaime had no idea if he looked terrible in heels, but he rather suspected that was the case.

"Yeah, I didn't wear 'em when I was a girl either," Hannibal said, making a face. "I'd end up breaking an ankle and never live it down."

"I don't think you'd live down a duel on ice with pool noodle things no matter what shoes you were wearing."

"Hey, if me or my stand in won, at least we could gloat while getting made fun of," Hannibal pointed out. "There'd be some saving of dignity there."

Jaime laughed. "I think you must be using a really flexible definition of 'dignity'."

"I've had a gremlin bite where I thought I was an old woman talk show host," he admitted, shaking his head. "I'm a little bit looser with that word now. That didn't kill me so this can't."

Hopefully, it wouldn't.

"Unless you slip on the ice and break your neck," Jaime countered.

"...don't put that possibility in my mind, Jaime," Hannibal said, rubbing his neck. "Though, hey, sponge baths from nurses."

He was an optimistic one.

Jaime opened his mouth to object, but got distracted by that suggestion. "Hmm... you make a strong point."

"We'd just have to make sure we were pathetic and nice so we'd get the hot nurses and not the old lady ones," he advised. "Sponge baths from old lady nurses wouldn't make me feel better."

"Yeah... those'd be awkward..." In this, at least, Jaime spoke from experience. "It'd help that around here I probably wouldn't end up in a hospital where my mom got to assign my nurses..."

"Your mom's done that before?" Hannibal asked, wincing. "That's unfortunate."

"She's a nurse herself," Jaime explained. "I think she wanted to make sure I didn't fake being injured any longer than I actually was injured, you know?"

Humorous History: Friday, Period 1, Class 11

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