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fandomhigh2009-10-23 12:02 am
makesfaces.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2009-10-23 12:02 am
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Humorous History: Friday, Period 1, Class 7
"Welcome back, everyone," Jim said when class started. "We're at the point in the semester where the syllabus I put together is really more of a guideline. But since I forgot to plan for a break week and I've really wanted to talk about this topic for a while, let's just skip straight to Andrew Jackson."
"Jackson was the seventh President of the United States and he was a pretty polarizing figure. And when I say that, I mean he was a jerk. He had a policy of 'Indian removal,' where he had Native Americans sell their lands for pretty much nothing before sending them out west. Many people thought he was just shy of being a tyrant. And I think nothing really says how strongly people reacted to him better than the fact that he was the first sitting President to have an assassin make an attempt on his life. But he's also the only President ever to beat his would-be assassin with a cane, which brings us to our point for today; Andrew Jackson was homicidally insane."
"Case in point, he participated in a whole lot of duels. Most historians say it was thirteen duels, which is a crazy number of times to meet up with some other guy and shoot at each other. Other sources put it at over a hundred because, really, what's another eighty-seven after you've survived the first thirteen? But this one time, he killed a guy by shooting him in the junk."
"That happened before Jackson was President when this guy, Charles Dickinson, insulted Jackson's wife - who, by the way, he married after breaking up her previous marriage. Jackson responded by challenging Dickinson to a duel. But Dickinson was known as a really good shot on the draw, so Jackson decided to just let Dickinson fire first. Dickinson drew, shot Jackson in the chest - so close to his heart that it was too dangerous to have the bullets surgically removed, so they stayed there until he died many years later - and then got to watch as Jackson drew his gun and took careful aim."
"By the rules of dueling, once the duel starts you have to stand there and take whatever happens. Dickinson decided to run away because there was an apparently unstoppable killing machine aiming a weapon at him, but he was caught and brought back to be shot. Once everyone was ready again, Jackson lowered his aim and shot Dickinson in the crotch."
"Okay, Dickinson died from the wound, so it's probably more likely that he was shot in the gut where fatal damage could be done. But the future President killing a guy by shooting him in the crotch is a lot funnier, and that's why it's the version remembered by history and taught in this class."
"So," Jim said, reaching under his desk and pulling out several Super Soaker Vaporizer pistols with fully loaded water reservoirs. "I know this is Homecoming weekend and you might not want to do any homework, but if you want to get a small feel for what it was like to be Andrew Jackson, feel free to take one of these water guns. And if anyone insults your honor, go ahead and challenge them to a duel. And then go ahead and report back next week on what you did with them."
***
"I'm giving teenagers water guns hours before a dance, where you never know what kind of drama might pop up. And I won't be chaperoning the dance because I have the radio broadcast tonight. So, no, I don't see how this could go poorly at all."
"Jackson was the seventh President of the United States and he was a pretty polarizing figure. And when I say that, I mean he was a jerk. He had a policy of 'Indian removal,' where he had Native Americans sell their lands for pretty much nothing before sending them out west. Many people thought he was just shy of being a tyrant. And I think nothing really says how strongly people reacted to him better than the fact that he was the first sitting President to have an assassin make an attempt on his life. But he's also the only President ever to beat his would-be assassin with a cane, which brings us to our point for today; Andrew Jackson was homicidally insane."
"Case in point, he participated in a whole lot of duels. Most historians say it was thirteen duels, which is a crazy number of times to meet up with some other guy and shoot at each other. Other sources put it at over a hundred because, really, what's another eighty-seven after you've survived the first thirteen? But this one time, he killed a guy by shooting him in the junk."
"That happened before Jackson was President when this guy, Charles Dickinson, insulted Jackson's wife - who, by the way, he married after breaking up her previous marriage. Jackson responded by challenging Dickinson to a duel. But Dickinson was known as a really good shot on the draw, so Jackson decided to just let Dickinson fire first. Dickinson drew, shot Jackson in the chest - so close to his heart that it was too dangerous to have the bullets surgically removed, so they stayed there until he died many years later - and then got to watch as Jackson drew his gun and took careful aim."
"By the rules of dueling, once the duel starts you have to stand there and take whatever happens. Dickinson decided to run away because there was an apparently unstoppable killing machine aiming a weapon at him, but he was caught and brought back to be shot. Once everyone was ready again, Jackson lowered his aim and shot Dickinson in the crotch."
"Okay, Dickinson died from the wound, so it's probably more likely that he was shot in the gut where fatal damage could be done. But the future President killing a guy by shooting him in the crotch is a lot funnier, and that's why it's the version remembered by history and taught in this class."
"So," Jim said, reaching under his desk and pulling out several Super Soaker Vaporizer pistols with fully loaded water reservoirs. "I know this is Homecoming weekend and you might not want to do any homework, but if you want to get a small feel for what it was like to be Andrew Jackson, feel free to take one of these water guns. And if anyone insults your honor, go ahead and challenge them to a duel. And then go ahead and report back next week on what you did with them."
***
"I'm giving teenagers water guns hours before a dance, where you never know what kind of drama might pop up. And I won't be chaperoning the dance because I have the radio broadcast tonight. So, no, I don't see how this could go poorly at all."
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