The History of Sex: Workshop 4, Period 3 (Thursday, June 5)

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the beach, children! Did everyone like Tink's bathing suit? Wasn't it ever so chic? She really thought this color looked splendid on her. And how good of Barney to bring mai tais! Wasn't Barney the best teacher ever? They should applaud.

"Remember kids, applause equals booze," Barney said. "And today, we're gonna need all the booze we can get." He took a sip of his own drink. "Ms. Bell, why don't you share today's topic with our would-be minions." Because obviously none of them were good enough to be actual minions.

Of course not! Except her employees. Hello, employees! Her employees were totally her minions, and they opened the store so that she didn't have to when she was hungover. Hooray, minions! Tink loved her minions ever so much. ... What were they talking about, again?

"Class. Drinking. Horrific examples of what pass for sexual organs on other planets...take your pick," Barney replied, adjusting his tie.

Oh! Yes! That! Children, listen carefully! Sometimes, in other planets, or dimensions, or whatever strange freakish place these people were from, people had really weird anatomies! And not like two heads or anything, but weird stuff sexually! That totally counted as a class topic, didn't it? Oooh, and could he top off her mai tai please? This sun made her thirsty.

Barney paused to fill Tink's glass. "This is the interdimensional part of the course. Pay attention people, I met an alien at the bar this weekend who told me his kind mate with violence and screaming. And sex on top of tables." Okay, so he might be exaggerating that last part. "Now, imagine that with a bifurcated member." Shudder? Anyone?

Ow. Tink was going to need a few moments, here, for that visual to go away. .... And gone! Very good. So! Strange anatomy, of the non-bifurcated variety!

In some galaxy or other, Tink didn't pay attention to the boring parts, there were people called the Centauri. They looked human enough, except the men had six penises on their chests, and they were long and bendy, and the women had their girly bits on the lower back. Children, if they ever went home with a guy from a bar, and he had long, bendy chest-penises? They should probably run for it. If they could outrun the long, bendy chest-penises. Good luck!

"Isn't there some alien chick with three boobs? Now her, I like because boobs are Awesome. It's like really short girls with a D cup - they're more than half boob! What up?" Barney grinned gesturing to show what he meant.

Yes! Eccentrica Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six. It was all right to call her a whore because she called herself one, so she was probably a real prostitute in some manner. Prostitution was sort of trashy in Tink's opinion, but making the guy buy you a nice dinner, that was just making sure he appreciated you. You spent time looking good, he could totally spend a little cash, that was just how the system worked.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with prostitution. Everyone needs a little Sunshine once in a while. Wait, she was a stripper, not a hooker. Mary! That was her name, but she was actually a paralegal. True story."

Oh, Tink had no problem with prostitutes, just that, you know. She considered actually taking cash herself to be tacky. Much more subtle to ask for expensive gifts and it all turned out equal in the end. Anyway! That was an important part of the history of sex, children: the fact that prostitution itself was a very old, very respected tradition except for the respected part, because lots of housewives were jealous and bored and acted like prostitutes were below them, because they had settled for only sleeping with one person in exchange for financial stability and somehow that was an improvement over many. Housewives were boring and stupid.

"Amen," Barney toasted to that. "You, student-like people. Your assignment today is to design an alien. You get to choose things like its name, hobbies, employment, where its reproductive organs are located, and how it interacts with other aliens in order to have sex. If it has sex. Again, your choice, but remember you're going to have to defend your choice."

And remember, 'because that would be very funny' counted as a pretty good defense. Look! There was paper, and there were moddable drawing tools like pencils and crayons and all that. Draw your alien! And its weird, strange naughty bits! Do it! Tink and Barney would be collecting the papers and using them to decorate their office!

"And once we've been satisfied or whenever you feel like pinging into the thread you can lie in the sun and drink mai tais." Barney hated that the stupid computer wouldn't let them use real alcohol, so he and Tink were probably the only ones actually getting drunk today.

(OOC: This class veers to the NWS vocabulary more than usual. Nothing too explicit, but we give fair warning.)

Comments

The Sign-In [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

With your weirdest icon. Weeeeeeeeeird.

Re: The Sign-In [6/5]

[ashockingbitch]

Jenny Sparks

The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

Make up an alien. Draw its no-no bits. Mock each other's art.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[ashockingbitch]

Jenny took a long, bracing drink of something alcoholic before she started drawing Jack Hawksmoor's genitalia from memory of that one time she'd seen him in the shower. That sort of thing never really left a soul. Occasionally she paused for more alcohol. She needed it.

((We don't actually know what Jenny's teammate Jack's naughty bits look like, but they were, um, modified by aliens and a woman once vomited upon seeing them.))

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[raspberryturk]

Reno may have cheated a little by drawing an alien that already existed. But sssh. Nobody had to know that Jenova was real.

And Reno was not in the least an artist.

No, he didn't know really why Jenova had boobs if she didn't reproduce normally, either.

[[Picture is... Uh? NWS. I think.]]

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

Alec sat down and thought carefully about what would make an alien Sexually Awesome.

What ended up on paper seemed to be a human-looking "alien" with boobs and distinctly male genitalia.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[ihaveniceteeth.livejournal.com]

Between Jack's stories and the files in the Torchwood database, Gwen really wasn't stumped for bizarre alien genitals.

Her finished drawing had a rather large amount of tentacles.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[cheminthehead.livejournal.com]

Gladys was not so good at creativity, but she tried. She drew what looked like an orange beach ball with green feet and a wavy mane. No-no bits were not at all appropriate, so she left them out.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[imac-kenzie.livejournal.com]

Mac was in no way an artist. If it was on a computer, fine. Any other time? No.

What came out of her attempts was nothing more than a couple of odd-looking appendages and a bulge that was probably there just to fill a gap.

Didn't look like it would any good for what it was designed for, to be quite honest.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[my-tragic-past.livejournal.com]

So many ideas, and where to start? Two heads, definitely, because it was so freaking hot when someone stuck their tongue in his ear, but someone who could do both ears at once, well, that was even better. And four arms because two never seemed to be enough -- with big hands to boot. He drew in a tight, chiseled torso. Oh, and two sets of male genitals with nice swinging low-hangers.

But two legs would be sufficient. Kevin was a big fan of sexy hip bones, and he just couldn't picture a four legged dude having sexy hip bones.

He was quite happy with this. Yes, yes he was.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[thatsamilkshake]

Francine's eyes had been growing wider and wider and her cheeks pinker and pinker as the lecture went on. Now she stared at her paper. No-no bits? No, no, no, no, no.

Besides, she couldn't draw worth a crap anyway. That was Katchoo's thing. Francine could... uh. Could... She'd think of something. Eventually.

Her finished product looked exactly like a hot human guy in a tuxedo, if you couldn't draw worth a crap. He had sparkling teeth - she added extra sparkles, just to make sure at least that was recognizable. If he also bore more than a vague resemblance to Professor Bond..it'd be a miracle because she couldn't draw worth a crap.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[sarcasm-guy.livejournal.com]

Sokka drew five very naked stick figures with boobs having sex in a pile, while another stick figure with no boobs and a warrior's wolftail watched and grinned.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[likethegun]

Sam's artistic skills were about the level of stick figures, so his alien was very thin, but reluctantly, very well-endowed in the feminine areas.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[always-damp.livejournal.com]

Toby sorts stared into space for awhile before settling on sketching out what might have been a man with an enormously enhanced extra no-no bit in his chest.

If you squinted real hard, it kinda looked like Kevin.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[saltandammo.livejournal.com]

Dean thought for a moment and then drew several figures, both male and female, and all of them hot. It was the only way he could think to illustrate a shapechanger.

Re: The Very Creative Activity [6/5]

[intraspective]

Ino was giggling by now. Seriously? They had to make up a freaky alien?

And they were getting marks for this? What? Well, she wasn't complaining.

Her finished drawing had a some very nice male genitalia indeed, and extra arms because that was always nice. Yes. Ino had never claimed to be particularly creative, no.

Hand Your Paper In to Barney and Tink [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

Defend your reasoning while they mock the living crap out of you.

Re: Hand Your Paper In to Barney and Tink [6/5]

[ashockingbitch]

Jenny presented her paper to Barney and Tink. "This is my teammate Jack. Aliens really did this to him. I think it allows him to *DELETED DUE TO BEING ON A PUBLIC COMM* cities."

Re: Hand Your Paper In to Barney and Tink [6/5]

[raspberryturk]

Reno handed in his paper.

"It has no arms. All the better for... Uh." Reno looked at the paper, and then shrugged. "Actually, for all I know, it's a disembodied head now, without the body, too. Long freakin' story."

Re: Hand Your Paper In to Barney and Tink [6/5]

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

"So it's got all the parts I like," Alec said, handing his in. "Also it needs sex like most people need oxygen."

Re: Hand Your Paper In to Barney and Tink [6/5]

[ihaveniceteeth.livejournal.com]

Gwen pointed to the tentacles. "You really don't want me to explain these further, trust me."

Sunbathing and Drinking [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

After you hand in your artwork, you can lay out and catch some rays.

Re: Sunbathing and Drinking [6/5]

[isourking.livejournal.com]

Ron decided to abuse his TA rights and just laid out.

Teacher's be damned. They were probably too drunk to notice anyway.

The Non-Alien TAs [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

Dawn, who owes them laps, and Ron, who should do some to keep fit, omg!

Re: The Non-Alien TAs [6/5]

[lilpunkinbelly.livejournal.com]

Dawn was there, stretched out on the beach and wearing a pair of shorts and a halter. Laps? What were those?

The Professionally Hot [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

All their no-no bits are in the proper location(s).

The OOC [6/5]

[tinkerbitch.livejournal.com]

Voila.